Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Push-me Pull-you

This is the one thing in my marriage I ruminated on the most that I could not deal with and begged the husband to change. I realize now that this is what he thrived on and kept him going since it kept the drama alive, reminding him of his childhood. Although children of dysfunctional homes will tell you they want to escape it; this is what feels comfortable to them, this is what they know, and unless they actively change what they know, they seek what is comfortable to them, they create patterns of familiarity.

 We would be going on; being happy, then he would begin to pull away from me emotionally. He would refuse to call me from work. Then he would be late coming home without a phone call. Then he would refuse to spend time with me and the kids after dinner. Then he would refuse to go to bed until after I was already asleep. This pattern would repeat itself until I would do something; try and talk to him, complain, write him a letter, cry. Then he would tell me I was too emotional, too needy, too something; I was the one expecting too much.

This was the game; the push-me pull-you game. Push-me away, pull you closer once you create some sort of drama about it. He would then do something to placate me, but only temporarily. There would be peace in our relationship for a time, and then the cycle would repeat itself. The cycle of him pushing away emotionally became longer and longer.

 It is a game a person plays who tries to manipulate the emotions of others. The game a person plays that is emotionally abusive. The game a person plays who doesn’t know how to take responsibility for their own behavior.


marrieddudesaywhat said...

I can totally relate to this.

My wife and I have been having difficulty since day one. Married 13 years, separated for almost two now.

Her father was a raging alcoholic, and died drinking at 58. Her parents divorced when she was 14 or 15, and the whole family maintains that her dad was "a good dad" and "never got angry". This was not the human being I experienced.

The whole family seems to be addicted to drama, upset and conflict.

As soon as my wife starts to feel close to me, she picks a fight, attacks my character, spirituality; anything she can find to coerce me into getting upset, then she convinces herself that we are "not meant to be". She has a fear of commitment, and therefore, controls the relationship by leaving everything "loose" and undefined.

I have been to the courthouse to file for divorce, but I ran out of time and money for the fees, and have two beautiful kids. I see the damage that this has already done to them. I know divorce would devastate them.

I feel your pain and frustration.

Anon said...

Married Dude,
Have you tried counseling? Will she go? If a marriage can be saved, it experience tells me, however, that the one who needs the help is the one who is resistant to acknowledging and receiving help. I feel for you; this does cause so much damage. I hope you can find peace.