One Small Cog

I've had a few discussions with a few different people lately and it has led me to ponder.

People think there must be some grand scheme or point to their lives. They worry and pontificate if they don't have their lives planned out, or if they don't know that they will leave a legacy behind, or if their life will be fulfilling, or they will have lived in vain. As I think on this, I often wonder what the neanderthal thought the point was to his/her life...I would guess he/she just wanted to survive long enough to have children.

What about a few thousand years ago, do you think people sat around and pondered on making goals, reflecting on the deep meaning of their lives? I suppose men like Socrates and Plato did. Certainly, the advent of leisure time had given humankind the resources to have time to contemplate such things.

Yet I wonder, is it really such a great mystery? I think of children starving to death on the streets in India. I don't think they ponder these things too much. Or the woman in Peru who is working three jobs just to keep her children fed and dressed. Do you think the point of this life is just to feed and clothe children and find some happiness in their day to day lives?

Is it imperative to leave a legacy behind? What if we do leave a legacy behind but it is unknown to us at the time that we are doing so; does it still count?

Do you think the great-grandparents of Nelson Mandela had any idea they would provide the DNA to such a great man? Any great person, for that matter, came from a line of ordinary, average people who had no idea that one day, their offspring would one day change the world.

I run a support group for people who are leaving or have left the mormon church. As I was going through my own crisis, many of the members reached out to me and helped me to see the great good I have done and the many lives I have touched. I couldn't see it at the time, as it seems so ordinary, so simple. Yet, through their eyes, I have helped them in ways that I had no idea I was impacting lives.

I donate money to an organization called Kiva.org. They give micro loans to individuals in countries where there is a lot of poverty. These loans aid families in providing for themselves, in starting, running and maintaining their own businesses.  In some small way, I am helping to change poverty.

Are these small things in such a big world? Absolutely. I have no illusions that I will have a huge impact on the world. I am only one small cog in a big, big wheel.

But I am one small cog.

The Human Condition

It's late, I'm tired, but my heart can't let me sleep.

Behavior.

 There is some behavior that is unacceptable. When someone harms or abuses another person, we have the right to say *no*, that is not okay to treat people that way and that person is not welcome in our lives.

Then there is behavior that alienates us, isolates us, is rude, or impolite, but is short of abuse. We also have the right to set boundaries around this behavior. We have the right to be assertive and say we want the behavior to change. The other person can then choose to change the behavior or not, it is their choice. It they choose to not change the behavior, we can choose to tolerate it or ignore it or we can choose to not have that person in our life at all or on a diminished capacity.

I have been having discussions about two topics lately. One has been on ending discrimination of marriage equality to gays and the other one is accepting people who disagree with us.

I have learned that who we have sex with does not harm or abuse another person. As long as it is between consenting adults, it also does not fall into the category of being rude or impolite to others. Why, then, are so many people so vehemently opposed to it? Yet, many believe it is their business and feel as though they can judge and condemn and shame.

I believe the answer is also closely tied to the second topic. I have been working within a support group to heal wounded feelings between two people. It has been difficult to help one person understand that he has been holding a grudge over a small slight, and he needs to let it go and seek forgiveness. He holds tight to Christian beliefs, yet he cannot see he is not being forgiving or understanding, instead he is being judgmental, hypocritical and hateful.

When a person holds strongly held beliefs and they feel those beliefs are being threatened, they feel they personally are being threatened, or rejected, when if fact, it is their beliefs that are being criticized. They are not able to distinguish between their belief system and themselves. In their view, they are one and the same. When someone is critical of their beliefs, they perceive they are personally being criticized. Here is a video that explains it better than I can:         Emotional reaction to rejection

With my first experience of reaching out to my family and friends who reject the idea of ending discrimination of allowing equality to gays, I had some success with at least one family member over this facebook post:       Love and Acceptance

With my Christian friend, I have been working with him to understand that no matter how much he truly feels he was offended, he must forgive and move beyond his hurt feelings. After weeks of working with him, he messaged me tonight and said he was ready to forgive and move on.

I have believed in the capacity to change, because I have changed, yet I see it so infrequently in others.

Tonight, my heart is full of love. Love for human kind for not failing me in a time that I need to believe in love and the human condition to change for the better.

Spectrums

A spectrum is any entity that has common elements, but vary in their features.  Light waves exist on a spectrum, as do sound waves.

Some social features also exist on spectrums.  Autism is one of these. People with Autism have similar characteristics, but vary in how these features present themselves. For example, they all have difficulty communicating, but one person can have verbal skills that look like any other person's verbal skills, but they have difficulty expressing themselves when they are frustrated, angry or confused. Another person may have no verbal skills at all.

Many skills or social issues present themselves along spectrums. Sexuality for many people is thought of as a black and white issue, but for scientists, it is along a spectrum. People may fantasize about the opposite sex, or be bi-sexual, gay, androgynous, or an Aphrodite. Healthy spectrums include a variety of sexual origins and not just two.

Attachment is another issue along the spectrum.  When we are children, we are very attached to our parents and family of origin, but a healthy child will grow up and detach from them. If a healthy detachment is made, there will still be a connection there (provided that the family of origin is not too dysfunctional) but the adult will be able to forge their own way in life without the family of origin continuing to control finances, relationships, emotions or other similar issues.

The adult child should make decisions on their own, free of interference. If advice is needed, the adult child should feel comfortable seeking advice, but if the advice is rejected a healthy family of origin will not feel rejected.  If an adult child is too detached,  it is often due being shunned because they chose a different religion, a different career or other choices the family of origin didn't agree with or because the family of origin was dysfunctional and the adult child is distancing themselves in order to make healthier choices. If the family of origin attempts to control the adult child through money, emotions or relationships, then a healthy detachment is more difficult to make.

When in relationships, spending time together is also along a spectrum.  Before being in a relationship, people have their own friends. Many couples are able to maintain those friendships, but some couples enmesh so completely, they lose the connection they have with their former friends. Having separate activities and friendships outside of being a couple is also along a continuum. It is often healthier for the relationship to maintain other interests and friendships. It gives the couple something to talk about when they are together, it helps build trust when they trust each other to spend time with others. Too much time with others may lead to neglecting the relationship and the one or both of the couple may feel neglected.

People will often learn throughout their lifetimes. Some people are not open to new ideas. Some people put up defenses to new experiences, new ideas. Some people are open to change, others are rigid and resist change.

Emotions are neutral, they are neither good or bad. Emotions tell help us interpret experiences and aid us in bonding with people and animals. The emotions of guilt and shame help us to know when we have done something to hurt another person or animal, for instance. When we have brought harm to someone, we feel guilt or shame.  These emotions can be manipulated by others, however, and taken to the extreme where we feel guilty or shame for minor things, such as kissing, holding hands, or saying silly things. On the other end of the spectrum, someone who doesn't feel any guilt or shame when they hurt someone is known as a sociopath.


How about you? Where are you along the spectrums?

Evolution

This is my take on Evolution:

Things change.

In order for a species to survive, it must change or adapt to its environment to survive.  A species that is resistant to change will not survive.

A species that has adapted to its environment is better able to survive.  Dawrin shows this in: Adaptation is the process that makes organisms better suited to their habitat.^[153][154] Also, the term adaptation may refer to a trait that is important for an organism's survival. For example, the adaptation of horses' teeth to the grinding of grass. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evolution

If a person becomes rigid in their thoughts or actions, then they are not able to accept change.  If they are not able to accept change, they are not able to adapt to survive.

When I was confronted with new information about the mormon church, I had to either accept it, or adapt to it, or become rigid and not accept it.

As I have often contemplated why I was able to eventually accept this new information and adapt to it, act on it, and leave the mormon church, I have wondered why so many others, when given this same information are not able to make the same changes in their lives.

Even though making changes in my life meant a great deal of anxiety, heartache and pain, I was able to adapt to the changes necessary.

I have come to believe that it is this fundamental idea that has helped me accept and change my circumstances and others have not.

I have the genetic ability to adapt and change, and others lack this ability to do so.

This is my working hypothesis and I'm sticking to it.