Agency and Morality

I wonder and I wonder at the concept of agency...

What does it mean to choose? Are we free to choose or are we punished if we make a choice that is counter to the *right* choice?  According to the Mormon church, there is ONLY one choice, to do what they tell you:

"When our leaders speak, the thinking has been done. When they propose a plan--it is God's Plan. When they point the way, there is no other which is safe. When they give directions, it should mark the end of controversy, God works in no other way. To think otherwise, without immediate repentance, may cost one his faith, may destroy his testimony, and leave him a stranger to the kingdom of God."
Ward Teachers Message, Deseret News, Church Section p. 5, May 26, 1945
Also included in the Improvement Era, June 1945 (which was the official church magazine before the Ensign)

"Always keep your eye on the President of the church, and if he ever tells you to do anything, even if it is wrong, and you do it, the lord will bless you for it but you don't need to worry. The lord will never let his mouthpiece lead the people astray."
LDS President Marion G. Romney (of the first presidency), quoting LDS President (and prophet) Heber J. Grant "Conference Report" Oct. 1960 p. 78

"When the Prophet speaks the debate is over".
N. Eldon Tanner, August Ensign 1979, pages 2-3

"Follow your leaders who have been duly ordained and have been publicly sustained, and you will not be led astray."
Boyd K. Packer (General Conference, Oct. 1992; Ensign, Nov. 1992)

Yes, from the times of Brigham Young: "The Lord Almighty leads this Church, and he will never suffer you to be led astray if you are found doing your duty. You may go home and sleep as sweetly as a babe in its mother's arms, as to any danger of your leaders leading you astray, for if they should try to do so the Lord would quickly sweep them from the earth."

Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 9, p. 289, 1862.

To today, the leaders of the Mormon church have claimed that they speak for god  and will not lead us astray. There have been recent developments that have led many people to have a crisis of faith and to attempt to stem this, the leaders are once again telling the people to not trust in their own moral compass, but to trust in the leaders of the church. In the most recent Ensign article, the  LDS leaders want you to trust them even when they have lied to you 

I left the Mormon church BEFORE I knew that Joseph Smith took other men's wives from them (the church calls this polyandry, but since polygamy and all its various forms was illegal at the time, then these marriages were illegal so he was in fact just engaging in adultery. He also lied to Emma, his only legal wife. He also used manipulation to gain access to girls as young as 14 years old.  Link to LDS acknowledgments ) 

I left because it isn't right to discriminate against people because their skin color is different than my own.
I left because it isn't right to discriminate against people because their sexuality is different than my own.
I left because it isn't right to discriminate against people because their gender is different than yours.
I left because it isn't right to pursue the impossible idea of perfection at the cost of being your best. I left because my moral compass compelled me to leave.

Why did I leave the Mormon church? I left because I could not trust priesthood authority over my own thoughts/feelings/intuition/spirituality.

Too many times the priesthood authority said what was right contradicted my moral compass and in the end, I must follow my own moral compass.

Why You Should Be There

I have been watching this blog post Why I Won't Be There go around the internet and facebook for the last several weeks and have largely ignored it until I can't anymore. As I think on it, I have to wonder, why do women like her not get it? As I lay awake this morning thinking of this, I thought of Rosa Parks. As she worked a very long and hard day and had very tired and sore feet and she got on that bus at the end of that day, all she wanted was to sit down and ride the bus home. She had no intention of starting a Civil Rights Movement.

She just wanted to rest. For all her hard work at her job, she got kicked off the bus that day. What would have happened if other black people did not come to her aid? What would have happened if other black people said, "that is her fight, I will not protest with her." What would have happened if Martin Luther King did not see the importance of what she did and chose instead to not take up her cause? Where would the civil rights movement be today?

Why would Miss Lemony and women like her hold all women down? Why can these women not see the that they are their own worst enemy? I have repeatedly said that any group that does not have equal access to privilege, power and money are not equal. The women within the mormon church are not equal with men. Let's look at each one of her points and show her and women like her how completely unequal they really are:

1.  The priesthood is something we can all exercise. I use the priesthood all the time when I ask my husband for a blessing

Is she really saying this? How can she possibly believe she is exercising the priesthood when she is asking for something from somebody else?  When I am at work and I ask my boss for a raise, do I have the same authority as my boss does? No. Can I give myself a raise? No. This is the silliest thing I've heard. A woman cannot give herself a blessing. She cannot even give her children a blessing. She has no more authority to give others a blessing as she has no authority to give herself a raise at work. Faith is not the same thing as authority, Miss Lemony. When women do not have access to power, they are not equal.

2. But as a woman, it’s not my gender role to be given the priesthood in the same way that a man is. It’s not sexist...

Yes, Miss Lemony, it is sexist, that is exactly what this is. Have you been out into the real world lately?  Most of the real world ordains women to the priesthood in other religions, and guess what? Those churches have not come crashing down in chaos. They run smoothly and orderly. The males in the congregations are not emasculated. In the real world, women are accountants, doctors, engineers, and men are nurses and teachers. Men are stay at home caregivers and daycare workers. There are no such thing as gender roles, Miss Lemony. In the real world, where you work, people just work, they are  not divided  up according to gender, but what job they are suited for. When women do not have access to privilege, they are not equal.

3.  parts of the women’s rights movement is moving past the “equal” mark and taking it to the “We’re even better than men” 

You make this statement as though it is fact yet give no data to prove your point. I would like data on this. You then go on to give an anecdotal story you heard in the news about some parents that would not disclose the gender of their child (again, you don't even link us to the article)...how is this part of the women's rights movement? This is a strawman argument, you have moved beyond discussing feminism into discussing one incident of a family protecting the privacy of their child. The two issues aren't related. Also, if this child was a male, is this part of the feminist movement? How is one parent's right to protect their privacy have anything to do with feminism? You have missed the mark on this one.

4. Being a woman is a blessing. It is a gender that is inherently gentle and nurturing.

 I don't think we are wishing we were men, or denying that being a woman is anything less that wonderful. There seems to be some confusion between sex differences and gender differences.  From the AMA manual, “gender vs sex: gender refers to the psychological/societal aspects of being male or female, sex specifically to the physical aspects. Do not interchange.”  sex is not gender

The term “gender” refers to culture and should be used when referring to men and women as social groups, as in this example from the Publication Manual: “sexual orientation rather than gender accounted for most of the variance in the results; most gay men and lesbians were for it, most heterosexual men and women were against it” (APA, 2001, p. 63).

The term “sex” refers to biology and should be used when biological distinctions are emphasized, for example, “sex differences in hormone production.”  "Gender is not sex. If god determines sex at birth, or better yet, in the pre-earth life, then what about intersex people, also known as hermaphrodites?  Intersex can be found in the human population as well as in the animal kingdom."

I've already done extensive research about gender being on a spectrum on my blog post here:  research on homosexuality  Women CAN be gentle and nurturing, not all women are this way. Many men are this way, also. Being gentle and nurturing is a character trait, not a gender trait. Would you, as a married woman, who desires children some day, want a husband who is not gentle and nurturing? Did you marry a man who is not this way? When I date, this is one of the qualities I look for in a man. Do you want men working in primary, scouts, young mens or even assigned as bishops who are not gentle and nurturing? This is not exclusive to women. This is a human and even an animal characteristic. How many times have you seen pictures posted on Facebook of animals being gentle and nurturing to their offspring? Do you really want these traits to be exclusive only to women?  I don't.

5. "Femininity is something to be proud of, and I am proud to say that my Heavenly Father has endowed me with gifts that my husband doesn’t have, and has endowed my husband with gifts that I don’t have. But all those gifts benefit both of us."

Yes, your husband has talents you don't have, and you have talents he doesn't have. Welcome to the human race. We are all unique.  This doesn't mean we must fit into a mold called gender, it means we all have strengths and weaknesses. We aren't all that different, males and females, we are very similar to each other. This is why women can do math and men can nurture. Men and Women similar  We should not be excluded from the world of finance, from making decisions over money in our homes, in the church, in businesses. If we are excluded from money matters, we are not equal.

6. "But when it comes to the world professing that gender isn't a factor anymore, even if it means changing doctrine or naming baby girls gender-neutral names all for the sake of “making her equal to men”–I take a step back.

Really? Why are these things defining for you? Why is ordaining women defining for you? Why do you get to decide for all parents how they get to choose the names of their babies?Have you read this article: I feel unequal when  or this article  If gender roles were reversed  Do you really understand the issues at hand? You say you don't have children yet. Do you know how it feels to carry a child for 9 months, to have medical problems, to finally deliver that child, to name that child, only to turn that child over to men, some not even related to the child; to hold that child and bless that child? Do you know how it feels to be a part of every part of that child's birth and then to not be any part of its blessing? What is so wrong with my desire to hold that child when it is blessed? Or to bless that child?

What is so wrong to desire to give a healing blessing to my children? To give them a blessing as they go back to school? Or to have the Relief Society have complete autonomy over its callings or finances? Do women like you really think we are asking too much? 

Miss Lemony, I'm a woman, and I'm proud of it. I also desire equality for myself and all women. Just as Rosa Parks could not fight for Civil Right on her own, we are all needed to fight for Women's Rights together.

Lives of Mediocrity?

I have friends who have left the mormon church who stay up on all things mormon. I'm glad they do, since I have no desire to. Because of their diligence, I actually read an Ensign article this month. President Monson is the one given credit for this piece that makes people like me cringe.

Cringe

I would like to tell my mormon family and friends why this article and ones like it make me and others who have left the mormon church cringe.

1. A quote from the Ensign article, "the need to rescue our brothers and sisters who have, for one reason or another, strayed from the path of Church activity 

Mr. Monson then goes on to ask what mormon member's responsibility is to *rescue* us. First, the mormon church believes very strongly in free agency, and as such, those us who have used our free agency to leave the mormon church do not want our agency infringed upon by having people attempt to force or influence us back into an organization we no longer wish to be a part of. We left of our own free will. We studied our way out, we anguished our way out. Please do not minimize our agency or our choice by thinking you can pray us back in, or love bomb us back in.

2. "There are, of course, others who need rescue. Some struggle with sin while others wander in fear or apathy or ignorance. "

 I can assure my mormon family and friends that this is false. Profoundly false. We do not struggle with sin. We have completely redefined our world so we no longer define our world the same way you do. The definition of sin is this, 'A wilful violation of a religious principle'  dictionary  We no longer believe in the same religious principles that you do. Where we once believed that drinking coffee was a sin, we no longer do. Where we once believed that taking our garments off was a sin, we no longer do. We are not sinning, we have just stopped believing in the same religious principles that you do.

Just as we do not believe in the Hindu religion, and therefore we do not believe it a violation to eat beef, we do not believe in the mormon religion and we therefore do not believe it a violation to  drink coffee, tea or alcohol. Just as we do not believe in the Muslin religion, and therefore we do not believe it a violation to cover our hair, we do not believe it a violation to wear tank tops, bikinis, or shorts.

Although we understand that you believe there is only one true church, we no longer believe this. We understand you see us as lost and wandering in fear, apathy or ignorance, but we do not see ourselves as this. What we see is that we have opened our minds to new paths, new ways of thinking, new ways of seeing the world. We see now that we were rigid in our understanding and beliefs and we are now free to choose new paths and views and read things that were closed to us before. We feel a sense of freedom that we didn't feel before. We understand now how chained and closed off our minds were.

3. Mr. Monson then quotes a letter from a man who desires to come back to church. Why does Mr. Monson make the assumption that all people who leave are exactly like this man? One anecdotal experience does not translate to all of us. We are not reaching out to the church, to church leaders, or to our family. We want to be left alone. We have made this perfectly clear. We do NOT want to be called to repentance, we do NOT want to be love bombed, we do NOT want conference talks mailed to us, emailed to us or posted to facebook. We do NOT want the missionaries sent to our door or to us on facebook. We want our agency respected.

4. Mr. Monson then makes an analogy between those of us who have willingly left the church and a picture of a man in a boat trying to get back to his family on shore. First of all, we are not lost, we chose to leave a controlling institution that we do not believe in. If we are at sea, this is modern times where we have modern navigational tools at our disposal, including GPS, compasses, radar, sonar and a good captain would plot out his trip and know what kind of weather he may run into. In fact, there are so many modern navigational tools available to boat captains, that most light houses are not used anymore. We have NOT left our families and we do NOT love them less. Please stop implying that our families are left behind. We left the church, not our loved ones.

5. "The less active can’t long rest content with mediocrity once they see that excellence is within their reach."

 Really? Those of us who have left are living lives of mediocrity? Is that really what you think of us? We are mediocre and you are excellent? This attitude of superiority is a big part of why we left...do you not see that? You view yourselves as superior to everyone else in the world. Why would anyone really be drawn to you and your church when you look down on everyone who isn't a part of you. Do you really not get it? You sit on your Rameumptom and preach how great you are, and don't understand you are not better than us or the rest of the world. Get over yourselves.

Please understand that there is no one right path. The path we have freely chosen is where we are happy, where we choose to be, where we are free to be us.

 Do not put any more barriers between you and us by attempting to rescue us, seeing us as sinners, frail, weak, lost, mediocre, apathetic, full of fear, or ignorant.

A Letter to fMh

A Letter to fMh

Dear fMh,

I have been following your public stand to fight for equality within the Mormon church over the last few years. I applaud you and your efforts. I support the, 'Wear Pants to Church' day; the 'Let Women Pray in Conference' and the 'Ordain Women'.  While I was still a member, these are all causes I believed in and these are all causes I believe women within the church should have in order to be considered equal partakers with the men.

Each week, I would get together with my Mormon girlfriends and we would talk about these things. We would talk about polygamy and how it bothered us that we were told that we would accept it once we were in the Celestial Kingdom. We would talk about our Mother in Heaven and how we knew nothing about her and felt shamed in church by wanting to have her as an equal part in the discussions with Heavenly Father. We would talk about how we wanted to hold our babies when they were blessed. We would talk about how we wanted the last say over callings in Relief Society or Young Women's or Primary, rather than the men dictating all that to us. We would talk about how we wanted a say over our budgets, and so much more. Yet, every Sunday when we walked across the threshold of the church, our discussions would come to a halt because we knew our voices would not be heard and that complete obedience and compliance was expected.

My crisis of faith became so intense, I began to drag my family around to every ward in the area, thinking that the issues I was having was just within the wards and if I found the right ward, I would be content. After several months of this, I realized how large my crisis of faith really was and I announced to my family that I wanted to attend another Christian faith. My very faithful and patriarchy husband announced that he would not follow me there.

As my crisis grew I talked with the area president and thought he understood, but then my husband talked with him and then a meeting was called with my husband, the bishop, the stake president and the area president all in attendance. I was told that I would be able to tell them about my crisis of faith. As I began, the area president cut me off, told me that this was serving nobody and that all I needed to do was submit to the bishop and my husband.

I was shocked, I just looked at him and said, 'No.' I got up and left the room. This was the beginning of the end for me. I walked away from the church, no longer wanting to be affiliated with a misogynistic organization. I knew the consequences would be great. My marriage dissolved in divorce. My Mormon friends no longer associate with me. My relationship with my extended Mormon family is strained. Yet, I feel a sense of freedom that I could not have anticipated. As a woman, I have discovered that the world does not treat me as a child that cannot make decisions on my own about finances, who I can have as my friends, my own sexuality, what I can and cannot drink, who can be my friends.

I have learned to grow up and make my own decisions and be my own boss. I no longer report to men about my sexual habits, my finances, my church attendance, or what I choose to put in my body.  I learned that it is not their business and I am free to choose for myself and therefore I also own the consequences and I do not report to anyone except myself. This is true freedom and happiness.

I have learned that the church didn't care about my whining, either. Just like the male patriarchy felt they had a right to surround me with four men in suits in my own home and minimize me by telling me my thoughts and feelings didn't matter, the only thing that mattered was submitting to their will, the church patriarchy doesn't care about your causes, either, feminist Mormon housewives. The church is ran by males in power who surround themselves with YES men. They are in charge of billions of dollars. Why would they listen to some women who want change? They have all the power and money and they see no reason to change. You can form all the petitions you want, have all the protests you want, and the church may throw you a bone every once in awhile, like having one while woman pray in one general conference every six months, but real change won't happen. Why?

Because the leadership must be motivated to change. What would motivate them? Only two things:
1. Money
2. Attendance

As long as the women in the church put together their petitions, no real change will happen. Why? Because the women in the church continue to pay tithing and tithing is the backbone that makes the church run. Without the money coming in, the church cannot build its church buildings, its temples, or its City Creek Malls.

As long as the women in the church continue to attend church each week and serve in their callings, the church isn't going to listen to a word you have to say. Why? Because the women in the church are the backbone of making sure the church runs day-to-day. Without the women serving in their callings, no ward would ever have a meal served at an activity, no funeral would ever get food, no bread would ever show up to sacrament meeting, no music would get sung, the Primary would come to a halt, the young women would not get taught, Sunday school would be harmed and there would be no Relief Society. Without you, women, the church could not function. Each ward also get money based on attendance, and if women didn't show up, each ward's budget would be harmed.

Do you want to make an impact, women? Go on strike. For one month, do not pay tithing, do not show up to church, do not fulfill your church callings. Send your children with your husbands.  Let your husbands deal with the unruly children during sacrament. Let the men pick up the load in young women and Sunday school. Let the men scrounge around for bread when it doesn't show up for sacrament.

Strike, women.  If you really want to affect change, STRIKE.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

No Change Will Happen...

After I walked away from my marriage, I went to therapy, I needed to know what I did wrong in my marriage and I needed to know how to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. In the last session, I told the counselor I was afraid to date, I didn't want to date the same type of man. He told me to ask the men what was their ownership in the failure of their relationship. If they could own part of the problem, then I could date them. If all they did was blame their ex's, they viewed themselves as victims, and when problems would arise in our relationship, they would blame me instead of being a companion in looking to coming up with a solution, compromising and looking for a win-win.

I have discovered that it has been very difficult in finding men who do not view themselves as victims. It is easy to blame the other person instead of taking ownership over problems.  As I have looked at the women who view themselves as feminists within the Mormon religion, I see much of the same victimization.

They want change, they blame the church for not embracing it, yet, all they do is complain and accept the situation they are in.  They take no ownership of their part of the problem.  They pay tithing to an organization that subjugates them, does not allow them equality or equal access to callings or money.

Why would an organization change when they are given tithing dollars each month as well as bodies in the pews that silently tell them by their presence they are going to continue to tolerate the abuse?

The women continue to serve the church through accepting the callings that allow the church to function.  What if all the women sent the men to church with children to keep quiet on their own? What if all the women stopped teaching Primary, nursery, Sunday School?  What if all the women stopped paying tithing?

Why does the church not change? Because it doesn't have a reason to.
As long as the women gripe and continue to support the church through serving and attending and paying, the church will continue as it always has.

Victims get out of it what they want; attention without any real effort to change.
If you want real change women, leave.
If you want to just complain, you are just a victim.

More

More obedience
More sacrifice
More devotion
More perfection
More kids

Less money
Less time
Less patience
Less happiness
Less sex

More anxiety
More depression
More migraines
More suffering
More conflict

Less quality
Less commitment
Less tithing
Less attendance
Less devotion

More conformity
More dissonance
More denial
More contradictions
More abuse

Less acceptance
Less authenticity
Less reality
Less voice
Less boundaries

More anger
More blinders
More walls
More delusion
More submitting

Less collaboration
Less equality
Less passion
Less power
Less respect

More meditation
More pondering
More truth
More thinking
More searching

Less subjugating
Less blame
Less controlling
Less conditioning
Less pressure

More peace
More time
More money
More love
More happiness

Less Fear
Less guilt
Less pressure
Less repression
Less shame

More color
More voice
More communication
More wisdom
More....Me

The mormon way

Some mormons are able to interpret what they hear from the leaders as advice and not feel as though they have to literally follow everything as gospel.  I had difficulty with this.  When Hinkley said that women should only wear one pair of earrings, I already had two set of holes in my ears.  I thought it was okay to wear earrings in both sets of holes since I already had the holes.  My sister got really mad at me, telling me how evil I was for not following his advice literally.  When I was going through my crisis of faith, I was looking for understanding and love and acceptance from my leaders, what I got instead was being told to *submit* to their authority.  Was the leaders' word the be-all-end-all, or just a guideline to take or leave?

I remember so many times when a temple was going in an area, it often would not meet height codes for the area, or would bring in too much traffic for a residential area.  The neighbors would complain, file a legal motion; and mormon members would cry religious persecution when people just didn't want a very tall building/lots of traffic, etc. in their neighborhood.  Has it occurred to the mormons that by blindly following the lead of their leaders instead of being objective about the opposition, that the opposition has indeed a valid point? Or does any opposition always come down to the church being victims and always being right?

In California, the church fought against gay marriage.  They asked the members to donate money and time into fighting to make it illegal.  When people were outraged against the church, the church claimed religious persecution; not once thinking they were the ones who were trampling all over other people's right to love and marry whomever they wanted; not once thinking they were fighting against the rights and privileges of others who had done nothing to harm them.

Here is an article where the mormons are told to follow their leaders and if they don't, they are told they will suffer:  http://www.lds.org/liahona/1981/06/fourteen-fundamentals-in-following-the-prophet


This week, a neighborhood association was told to back down from its opposition to the building of a mormon church building.  The neighbors had been told the building would never be higher than a certain height.  The church is now proposing to build in opposition to that height limit.  Can the church claim persecution from the neighbors like they have in the past?  Can the church claim they are victims of religious persecution? Hardly, since its neighbors are mormon, in Provo, UT.  The neighborhood association President?  A BYU college professor.  http://www.heraldextra.com/news/opinion/editorial/article_f0b1b074-f5e3-5eb2-ac71-aa230e5c1239.html#.T_oQc0KCAio.facebook


Just submit, members, no questions asked...that's the mormon way....secular or religious, the leaders are used to getting their way.

Box of Crayons

I have come to define what morality is very differently over the last several years.

I have come to view the world like a box of crayons, full of colors instead of just a black and white crayon.

I was raised to believe that every decision was simple; yes/no, right/wrong, black/white, following rules set by religion.

I do not believe this any more.  Making a moral decision any more, is based on treating people with kindness, being happy, making decisions that do not harm others. For example, it is more important that I spend time with my family than serving in a church calling where I am not with my family.

I have made some important life decisions lately that make me very happy. Yet, I am not able to share these decisions with my family.  Why? Because my family will not be happy for me.  If these decisions make me happy, then why won't my family be happy for me?  Because my family makes decisions based on an absolute moral judgement of black/white and right/wrong.  They will judge me, criticize me, condemn me.  

I hope that one day my happiness will be placed above a set of outdated religious rules.  Until then, I will continue to be estranged from those people who are supposed to love me unconditionally.

Regrets

Some people say they live life with no regrets. I don't understand that.

This weekend I was watching home videos of Mr. Lover from his early 20's.  He had a speed boat and a great group of friends.  They would take his boat and 2 others out to Mojave Lake a few times each summer and camp out and water ski and have a great time.  Of course, there was lots of food, alcohol and music.

What was I doing in my early 20's?  Serving a mission for the mormon church, getting married and having kids. It's too late now to live that life of freedom and frivolity.  I didn't have the opportunity to have a life free of worry and responsibility.  I didn't have a life full of friends and happiness and carefree. Instead I had a life of paying bills and work and concern for the future.

Why? Because the mormon church said.  They said to get married young, even before you have the ability to sow wild oats, before you have college done, before you are financially settled.  Have children right away, even before you are financially ready for them, before you are done with school, before you are settled in a career.

Regrets? Yes, I have a few.

Not Good for Women ~ Part V

One Box Fits All
In 1987, president benson talked to the members of the mormon church and said these words:

In the eternal family, God established that fathers are to preside in the home. Fathers are to provide, to love, to teach, and to direct.
But a mother's role is also God-ordained. Mothers are to conceive, to nourish, to love, and to train. So declare the revelations....
opportunity and responsibility of wives is "to multiply and replenish the earth...and to fulfill the promise which was given by my Father before the foundation of the world, and for their exaltation in the eternal worlds.

Young mothers and fathers, with all my heart I counsel you not to postpone having your children....The Lord clearly defined the roles of mothers and fathers in providing for and rearing a righteous posterity....Women have claim on their husbands for their maintenance.... This is the divine right of a wife and mother. She cares for and nourishes her children at home. Her husband earns the living for the family.... the counsel of the Church has always been for mothers to spend their full time in the home in rearing and caring for their children.  http://fc.byu.edu/jpages/ee/w_etb87.htm

Has this dated, 1950's view of the family changed? Let's look at the counsel given in 2008: 

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness

and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. http://lds.org/Static%20Files/PDF/Manuals/TheFamily_AProclamationToTheWorld_35538_eng.pdf

What if this one-size-fits-all-mold doesn't fit everyone? What about these scenarios:

1. A woman has the need, desire and drive to have a career

2. The family finances dictate two incomes

3. The father desires to stay home and the mother is capable of making more income

4. A woman, who has never had the opportunity to get married, desires to have a child

5. Gays

6. A couple, who are traumatized by divorced parents, desire to be in a relationship, but to not sign on the legal paperwork and make it legal (marriage)
7. A couple who does not desire children; who wants to postpone children until they are firmly established in a career or education or feel emotionally ready and prepared

Of course, these scenarios are out of the round holes the church insists everyone fit into, thus they do not allow any varying for those of us who are the square pegs. Here is a quote from the church's hand book for women who would desire a child, but are not married:

Artificial Insemination

The Church strongly discourages artificial insemination using semen from anyone but the husband. However, this is a personal matter that ultimately must be left to the judgment of the husband and wife. Responsibility for the decision rests solely upon them.

Artificial insemination of single sisters is not approved. Single sisters who deliberately refuse to follow the counsel of Church leaders in this matter are subject to Church discipline

There is no varying, no flexibility, no kindness, no compassion for people who do not fit the mold the church has designed and said all people must fit into. Even when research shows there is more than one way, that it is good for women to work; they are not flexible and will not accommodate any other view.

http://jezebel.com/5867571/having-a-job-makes-moms-healthier-happier

There are some people within who are able to be cafeteria mormons (they can pick and choose those doctrines they want to conform to and follow, much like a person would pick and choose what to eat in a buffet line).  They are the ones who seem to be able to look at these things say, 'eh, whatever; I'm going to church and doing my own thing.' Then there are people like me who are all in or all out.  We aren't black and white thinkers, but we are very ethical.  If we are going to live certain principles, we are going to do it all the way.  

We feel we are violating our own ethical codes; if we say we are going to follow an ethical code we will follow it, but we aren't only going to follow it when it suits us. We are the ones who have left the church because the church is not willing to accommodate our free thinking.

The box did not fit, so we broke out of the box.

If Only

If only one could find peace in the mormon religion.
If only one could do all that was asked of one to reach the mormon heaven.
If only one could find happiness in the mormon church.

If only:
http://www.afterallwecando.com/

What is the fact?

The entire time I was a mormon, the leaders would warn us to not listen to opponents of the church. They warned us that they were evil, they were sinners, they were tools of the devil.

We were warned that although people who opposed the church would say things such as, 'there are significant changes to the BoM' the leaders in the church would tell us that only minor spelling errors had been made.

You have to see this, then decide for yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1foCKuxjTA&feature=share

How can you still believe in your leaders, who are not honest with you?

Choose for Yourself

Tonight, I sit in the shade, listening to the music, people watching in downtown Boise.  It is Wednesday and Alive After Five. People are eating, mulling around, drinking beer and wine. Children are splashing in the water ponds.  I hear laughter and see friends getting reacquainted.

As I watch this scene, I marvel that ten years ago, I was taught that this scene was sinful, that to associate in this environment would be considered 'the appearance of evil' and therefore should be avoided. As I take in the scene, I wonder why. Why is this sinful?  No one is being murdered.  No children are being abused.  No grand theft is taking place. So, what is the sin? People are drinking alcohol, including myself.  I have a glass of wine sitting in front of me.

Is the very nature of drinking the alcohol sinful?  Not that I can tell.  Everyone seems to be drinking responsibly.  I see no one drinking in excess.  I see no one acting irresponsibly.  I see no crimes being committed due to drinking.  This isn't to say that these things don't happen, but it is clear by the scene in front of me that the vast majority of people are able to drink in moderation and responsibly.

I believe people for the most part are able to make wise choices for themselves, including drinking alcohol, tea and coffee.  These should be personal choices and not imposed from a church.

http://mormonthink.com/wow.htm

A Wasted Life

I tried to be the Mormon that was expected of me. I just cleaned out a 4-drawer filing cabinet full of files from F.A.R.M.'s articles, lessons I taught from 20 years as a gospel doctrine teacher; ideas as an activities leader, and 100 family home evening lesson that I spent one year and several hundred dollars putting together.

I accepted every calling that was asked of me. I was a stay at home mother for 15 years despite the fact that it was against my personality and I resented being it. I was a square peg in a round hole. There was only one way to be a Mormon woman. It was okay for the husband to neglect me, to abuse me. It was not okay for me to walk away.  When I began to openly question if this was really God's plan for me, I realized that a loving God would not require me to suffer such abuse. That He would not require only one way to live. Why would a loving God make me have desires to serve people in the real world then say I can only serve by putting together an activity lesson? It was silly, trite, absurd to say that I could not do good in the world like I am now, working with children with disabilities. I feel fulfilled, content, happy. I never felt any of that serving in the church.

The church told women like me that we were selfish for desiring to work outside the home. I do not feel selfish. I could only clean my house so much. It was linear work- I never received pay, a promotion, or was told I had done a good job, let alone a pay raise. I never felt I was accomplishing anything. I could only change so many diapers, clean so much, do so many crafts. There are women who love it, enjoy it, are fulfilled by it--I just wasn't one of them.  Then, when the children were in school, I tried to have the talk with the husband about going back to work part time. No go. He would not even discuss it with me. He walked out of the room when I brought up the topic.

Each. And. Every. Time.             For five years.

I was only good for cooking his meals, cleaning his house, taking care of his needs. I had to beg for money. I had no access to the checking account balance, to the finances. I was a servant. I existed for his pleasure. He was having no change in his status.  This was going to be my future. This is Mormon heaven. Good for the men. Bad for the women.

A wasted life. That is what it is. I wasted my life trying to do what other's told me to do instead of what I wanted and desired. Sad.

Fear

I sit on the couch, surrounded by 4 men; the estranged husband and 3 church leaders. I thought that one of these men were on my side. Was I wrong. I had been struggling with what to believe about the Mormon Church.; I was having a crisis of faith. I had found out things. Terrible things and am struggling because of what I have learned. I had bishops admit to me that they do not make church callings based on being directed by the Holy Ghost as they tell everyone they do; but in fact what is easy, practical, logical, popular. I had told the estranged husband I wanted to attend some other Christian church. He told me he wouldn't follow me there. I had already decided that the Mormon Church could not be true but was keeping these thoughts to myself. I was not attending church. I was not raising my hand and sustaining these church men as my leaders. I had not renewed my temple recommend. I find out later that these men sitting in my house are not here to help me and support me through my crisis of faith, but to apply pressure. I found out later that the estranged husband has been in private communication with these men, turning them against me. Something he would continue to do with future bishops.

The one with the most power, the one who I thought was on my side, speaks. He tells me that I must submit to the husband and the bishop. I am shocked. He had previously told me that he was in my corner. I feel humiliated and horrified. I have been feeling lost and completely alone and have felt I have nowhere to turn and now the one man I thought would support me has turned on me. I tell him "No." I stand up and walk out. I am shattered. My sister once said that what others perceived as a breakdown was in fact a breakthrough. That is what this moment was for me. I got in my car and drove. I didn't know what I was going to do. My marriage was in a shambles. I didn't know where my faith was going to go from this point. I didn't have anyone to turn to; I felt I had no path to walk, I felt lost and all alone. This was the loneliest and lowest point in my life. In that car ride; I began to forge a new path. I turn around and drive back home.

Nobody likes to be forced into a corner with no options but to submit to another person's will. These men think they can use fear to get me to do what they want when love and acceptance would be the wiser choice. I decide from that moment on that I would not submit to fear; fear of losing my eternal reward (what god would have us follow him based on fear?); fear of losing my family; fear of losing everything unless I submitted to fallible men?

The definition of submit is:

sub·mit

  –verb (used with object)

1. to give over or yield to the power or authority of another.

2. to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.

3. to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit a  plan; to submit anapplication.

4. to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose (usuallyfol. by a clause): I submit  that full proof should be required.

Why is a man’s opinion, power or authority of any more value than mine? A man is as fallible as I am. Does being male make him more intelligent, his opinion, his power any better than mine?  I cannot understand submitting to another man who is as fallible as I am, who is as easily prone to mistakes as I am.  I cannot understand submitting to someone who is prone to controlling and manipulating.  We can teach each other and learn from each other, but we should not be required to submit to another.