We all have secrets, right? We don’t tell everything to everyone in our lives. We don’t tell our best friend that we went out with another friend the night before without her because she just wouldn’t fit in, yet we didn’t want to not go and miss out on a boat load of fun. We don’t tell our spouse about our entire past before we met them. It’s in the past, after all.
There are some secrets that should not be kept in a marriage, however, and do cause irreparable damage. The last ten years of our marriage, the husband began keeping secrets, and they grew and grew, to the point that I could not get past them, and they destroyed our marriage.
The husband took over the finances all on his own. He put secret passwords on the checking account. All though I had a debit card and a checkbook, I did not have access to how much money was in the checking account and if we were being overdrawn or not. I did not know how much money was coming in and how much money was going out. I did not know how much money he was making. I did not have access to our investments. I begged and begged. He would sit down with me when I would get on him and go over the budget, but he did tricky things making it impossible for anyone to understand the budget. He had taken every bill such as the utilities and separated out the taxes so that I could not even understand how much money was being paid on household expenses. He was sabotaging me so that I would give up.
Then more secrets. I found out about at least 15 secret e-mail accounts. Then he put secret passwords on his cell phone. Then when he traveled he stopped telling me his room number so that I could not call his room directly and could only reach him on his cell phone. Then he began receiving phone calls at midnight. He would take his cell phone into the other room and then come back to bed stating that it was a wrong number. Did he think I believed him? Who goes into the other room to answer a wrong number? Then I found out about his 5 secret post office boxes.
When I would confront him he would tell me I was insecure. It was my issue. He had a right to his privacy. I was over reacting. It was all me. He was doing nothing wrong.
In marriage counseling he refused to discuss these secrets. The marriage counselor was too much of a wimp to hold him accountable. To this day I do not even know what he was keeping secret. With some objectivity, I believe it was one of two things; he was either having an affair or multiple affairs or he was just trying to manipulate me into thinking he was having an affair to make me insecure and look like an out-of-control idiot. Either way, I am glad I am out. What kind of marriage is that? An emotionally abusive kind.