Sunday, November 28, 2010


Is change possible?  Can people change? Do you really change the essence of who you are?  If you are generally a happy person, can you become an unhappy and grumpy person in old age?  If you are an impatient person can you learn to be patient?  If you have never allowed another person to be intimate with your soul, can you learn to develop deep, meaningful relationships?

I have changed. I have changed important parts of who I am.  I have learned to be patient when in my twenties I was never patient.  I used to be a black and white thinker and now I think in color and do not see things as black and white.  I am more accepting of people and their situations where I used to be judgmental.  I used to keep people at a distance instead of letting them into my soul where they could hurt me and now I am more open to pain as well as deep and intimate relationships.

I recently watched the movie, "Shopgirl"  in which Mirabelle is pursued by two men.  One man Ray Porter, is not willing to change the essence of who he is and in fact keeps himself at a emotional distance in order to protect his heart from pain in the event of a break up.  The other man, Jeremy, embarks on a journey of self-awareness in order to make himself worthy of Mirabelle's affections and win her love.  One man is willing to change, the other is not.  The consequences are apparent in the last line of the movie as Ray states, " [I] feel a loss although [I] purposefully kept Mirabelle at arm's length so that when [I] broke up it would not hurt [me], which it invariably did."

Yet, as I experience my relationships with other people, I rarely see them as being open to change.  They seem to view their world as closed as opposed to an open view of how things are, or how they are in relationship to it.  They are not open to changing their political view given new information.  They are not open to change their view of seeing other people as good if they have in the past seen a group of people as bad.  If they tend to be pessimistic, they are not open to seeing the world through optimistic eyes.  If, in the past they have shut themselves down to being vulnerable to intimate relationships, they are not open to deep, meaningful, yet vulnerable and intimate relationships.

Is it possible to change the essence of who you are?

Saturday, November 27, 2010


We all have contradictions in our behavior.  We may say we value dependability yet we will be perpetually late to appointments, making people wait on us. Or we may say we desire fidelity and monogamy, yet we may seek out multiple sex partners.  We may say we love someone, yet not spend time with them, call them, emotionally connect with them.

Do we do these things because we are complete a@#holes, or because we truly want what we say, but we also desire the opposite, the proverbial, 'having their cake and eating it too'?

The phrase means that once you have eaten your cake, you cannot have it again.'s_cake_and_eat_it_too

We all have choices in this life.  Often, we do not want to limit our choices for fear we will miss out on something else.  Sometimes we may want to be all things to all people.  We may want to fulfill all our desires.  We may fear being vulnerable, so withhold a part of ourselves and instead seek shallow relationships instead of intimate ones.

Are there consequences to having your cake and eating it too? Yes. Yet, it is up to the individual to decide if the consequences are worth the choices they are making. What are they missing out on by trying to have it both ways? What deep, meaningful relationships are they passing up? Are people pulling away from them because they are not dependable? Will they be alone?

We all have contradictions.  What are yours?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Conditional Love

To love a person, no matter how they may disappoint you, to love them in spite of their faults, to love them when they makes choices that aren't approved of, that is unconditional love. 

We all desire to be loved unconditionally. The mormon church teaches a different kind of love. It teaches a conditional love. If you don't do what god expects, he will withdraw his love.  If you leave the mormon church, you are labeled an apostate and your family members are then told they cannot associate with you and then be worthy to enter the mormon temple.

Here is a quote from one of the authorities in the mormon church:

While divine love can be called perfect, infinite, enduring, and universal, it cannot correctly be characterized as unconditional. The word does not appear in the scriptures. On the other hand, many verses affirm that the higher levels of love the Father and the Son feel for each of us—and certain divine blessings stemming from that love—are conditional

"The full flower of divine love and our greatest blessings from that love are conditional-predicated upon our obedience to eternal law. I pray that we may qualify for those blessings and rejoice forever." - Russell M. Nelson, "Divine Love," Ensign, Feb. 2003, page 20

I will take unconditional love over conditional love any day, mormon church.

Monday, November 22, 2010


Have you ever been loved? I mean truly loved? An all consuming love?
Have you ever loved? I mean truly loved? An all consuming love?
Is it possible to make yourself vulnerable enough to allow yourself to be consumed by passion and lust and love?
Have you known someone who has let you into the very reaches of their soul, the most vulnerable place, the deepest, darkest reaches of their heart and mind?
Have you opened yourself up to someone to reach into the very deepest parts of your soul?
Is it possible for two people to find each other on this great earth who are willing to find this place at the same time?

Is great, sustaining passion possible?

In Dreams

In Dreams

lying here in bed….alone
thoughts keep me awake…warm, sensuous kisses
your hand on my back…pressing gently then firmly, moving me  into you
the warmth of your leg next to mine…the heat rising into my skin
my hand caressing your neck…your arm, your chest
the weight of your body on mine…pressing into me
sweat rising…passion that cannot be contained
where are you…only in my dreams?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Desires of my Heart

The Desires of my Heart

Oh, to be in an emotionally committed relationship…
Where intimacy is shared
With someone who is into me
A caress, a touch, a kiss, a sigh…
Someone who is open to me returning their affection
Thinks of me and calls me…
Who works and plays as hard as I do
Someone who considers me…
And loves me for who I am
Here’s to not settling for less than the desires of my heart…

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Happiness; an internal pursuit

I had someone tell me that someone who is seeking happiness through external pursuits, when they attain what they are looking for, will find it lacking and look for the next external pursuit, thinking it will fulfill them, only to find it is lacking also.  For example, someone who thinks that the next big car will bring them happiness, when they get the car, will drive it for a while, then are bored and want the next car or a house or promotion, or whatever.  They go from pursuit to pursuit, always looking for happiness, only to be disappointed.  Happiness needs to be an internal pursuit, not external.

I cannot add anything to this article. It speaks to me:

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Standing Alone

I was a shy child. More than shy, introverted.  I was the 7th out of 10 children.  I was lost in a sea of dysfunction.  There was no possible way my Mother could give all these children the time we needed to have our emotional and social and mental needs met.  There was no way possible my Father could possibly make enough money to support such a large family.  Did they try? In their own way, I think they did. I am not faulting them.  This is not the point, the point is about me.  How did a shy, introverted child who was completely suppressed in every way; who was overtly told and covertly raised to submit and not think for herself, come to think for herself, to actually have some semblance of a backbone, to go against everything she was taught; to leave the confines of her upbringing to become the person she is today?

When I was about 13, I did something to make my Dad mad (don't remember what is was) he told me to lay down on the stairs as he started to take off his belt to whip me.  I fundamentally knew this was wrong. I had already gone through puberty, and this felt a violation to my body and to a teenage girl as well as an excessive punishment to whatever I had done. He was a very scary man. I stood up to him and told him to go ahead and hit me, but that I would go into child protective services and show them my welts and bruises and report him.  He stopped and put his belt back on and he never hit me again.  A few years later, there was a trip the Mormon church was putting together for the youth. As it was announced in church, I wanted to attend, but after the meeting, my Dad pulled me aside and told me I had to attend, I had no choice.  I told him at that point that I would not be going. I didn't go.  I finished college-- against my families support, with a degree that was looked down on. What gave me the strength to do all this?  To this day, I still do not know.  This video comes closets to explaining:

Years later, I was able to also leave an abusive marriage; leave an abusive church organization, go out and get a job when I hadn't had one in 15 years, start being responsible for my finances when I wasn't allowed access to my own checking account for 10 years, and pay all my bills for the first time in 20 years.  It was like walking off a cliff.  I cannot even begin to express how scary this all was.  All my Mormon friends abandoned me, the only religious life I ever knew I was walking away from. I had to redefine my relationship with god and who I was as an individual and not as a couple. I had no idea, when I walked off that cliff, what was at the bottom-- the ocean full of raging water and ragged rocks or a cushion of pillows and an air tramp.

I now have a job that pays my health insurance, a life insurance policy and a retirement benefit. I feel like an adult for the first time since I was self supportive in my early 20's.  I'm an adult! It only took me 20 years to get here.

Here is a list of how my individuality was eroded:
*Submit thoughts to parents
*Do not disobey or you will be whipped
*Girls clean up after the entire family each and every day (servant-like)
*Must be in a certain time, but time is not clarified
*Girls are not equal to boys in the family; boys get motorcycles, bikes; girls get clothes; boys get scouts and sports, girls get to watch
*cannot wear jeans
*Get married and have 10 kids
*College is for men. Women can only go to find a husband
*Feel lots of guilt for not being good enough

*Must wear certain clothes
*Must attend Wednesday meetings, Sunday meetings and Seminary, be busy
*Do not think or act on sex thoughts
*Must listen and submit to the male authority
*listen, to not express your own differing thoughts
*Do not drink or smoke, do not drink tea or coffee
*Do not eat out on Sundays, dress to the nines for church
*Do not wear more than one pair of earrings, flip flops, or have sleep overs for the kiddo's
*Bow your head and say 'yes' I will obey my husband
*Have a passive mind, do not think for yourself
*Do not work, stay at home, have lots of kids, even if it doesn't fit your personality
*Feel lots of guilt for not being good enough

*Stay home, even though you told me you didn't want to
*No access to finances, checking account
*Contradiction in  everything; I love you, I can't be with you; I want dinner on the table at six, I won't be home till 7; etc.
*One way street; no assistance in problem solving, no time spent with girls and wife after dinner (head in computer), no engaging in conversation during dinner; no time spent with family in family time, wait till wife is in bed before coming to bed, etc.
*Feel lots of guilt for not being good enough

Deep down in my soul, I knew I could think for myself, I could act for myself and have it not offend god. That this was having personal integrity.  I just knew this.

I believe because I knew this in the base of my soul, I was able to make decisions, ultimately for myself and walk away from an organization that was telling me differently, from a family or origin that was telling me differently, from a husband that was telling me differently. Self esteem must be based on the internal, not the external to have the strength to make the decisions necessary to stand alone.

Monday, November 1, 2010


There were two Mormon church buildings that were the victims of arson recently. The man arrested for the arson, it is reported, is a BYU student recently excommunicated from the Mormon church.  Since I know nothing about his story, I cannot speak to what happened that may have led to his possible/alleged desperation to commit such a terrible act of revenge (if convicted).

What I can talk about are the many, many stories where people are treated harshly by leaders of the Mormon church.  The Mormon church says it is a church of love.  The Mormon church excommunicates members who have committed fornication. The Mormon church excommunicates its members and then claims it is out of love. The Mormon church shuns its Members who have a crisis of faith. The Mormon church shuns Mormon women who are divorced.  The Mormon church shuns youth who are different, do not fit in, do not fit their mold or idea of what is acceptable.  I have seen this time and time again.  I have experienced this personally.  My children have experienced this.  My friends have experienced this.

In other Christian churches, if people are experiencing a crisis of faith, they are embraced, counseled, supported.  In other Christian churches, if they are struggling with a sin, they are embraced, counseled, supported.  In other Christian churches, if someone is an odd person out, they don't fit a particular mold, they are embraced, accepted and supported.

Harsh vs. Love

It leads people away.