Emotional Abuse and Autonomy

Emotional Abuse and Autonomy

“You need to have more kids, especially with how beautiful all your girls are.” My mother-in-law tells me for the hundredth time. Inside I’m seething, as I have to wonder why it is anybody’s business how many kids I have, especially my mother-in-laws when she knows how difficult my pregnancies are as well as the deliveries. She only has three kids, so who is she to tell me to have more kids, anyway? Why is it anybody’s business? I hate it when people tell me how many kids to have. I’m overwhelmed as it is, and this only makes me feel more overwhelmed.

“I’m going to take you to Africa and swing you from the trees.” Joe, an acquaintance tells me in a flirting manner.  I feel so uncomfortable, I don’t know what to say, what kind of come-on is that anyway? How completely inappropriate. I never know how to handle this, so I answer with a soft no, “I’ll just build a tree house and hide from you in its safety.” My soft no doesn’t work, as it often doesn’t, as he persists; “I’ll just build a ladder and come into your tree house.”  I walk away at this point because I’m so disgusted. My guy friends tell me it’s my fault for not giving him a strong no by just telling him to fuck off. I contend that a soft no would be respected by any person who respects boundaries.

“Your behavior is so juvenile, you need to stop acting so silly.”  I’m told this on the internet by someone who doesn’t like my sense of humor.  Why do I need to stop acting silly, I ask myself, I’m not hurting anyone, if it bothers them, why don’t they go somewhere else where it isn’t bothering them? If my behavior isn’t harming them, why do they feel compelled to tell me I must act according to what they want?

I’m tired, I want to go to bed.”  John then tells me it would offend him if I didn’t stay up and watch a movie with him.  The next day, I could hardly make it through my work day, I was so tired and then I resented him for making me too tired to make it through the day.

“I think this is funny!”

“That’s not funny, that’s stupid, and anyone who thinks that’s funny is stupid.” Says my friend.  Well, now I just feel ashamed.

“I’m so angry at Randy!”

 “How dare you…anger is of the devil, you need to repent.” 

“I’m sorry, was just expressing how upset I was that Randy raped me. Now what do I do with all these conflicting emotions?”

“Stop texting and listen to the speaker!”

 “But it’s boring.”

 “I don’t care.”

 Now I’m bored and frustrated.

As I left a controlling church, I realized how much I was told how to think:  your thoughts will condemn you, your bad thoughts lead to sinful actions, sexual thoughts are evil, etc.  I was told what to feel: anger is wrong, jealousy is wrong, sadness is wrong, be happy all the time. I was told how to behave: wear modest clothing, attend church every Sunday, do your church calling, listen to uplifting music, etc. As I look back on this, I realize that very little of these things had to do with harming others, but more with controlling me.

I began to learn to set clear boundaries and take control over my own emotions, thoughts and behavior. This has been a big learning curve for me. I have had to learn from others how to do a lot of this. I have been taught that my thoughts, feelings and behaviors aren’t really mine, but in the control of patriarchy as well as authority.  I have had to learn assertive communication skills in order to take back my personal power.

I remember listening to some women who were going through marriage counseling and how they were being told they could not control the behavior of their spouse, they could tell their spouse what bothered them, but their spouse was in complete control of their own behavior and could then choose to change their own behavior or choose to not change it. This was very difficult for me to understand at first. What if that behavior was damaging to the relationship? Wasn’t the spouse obligated to change? Could they be compelled to change? I have come to understand that we cannot compel others to change, not if we want a healthy relationship with them. We can assertively ask for what we need in a relationship, then after that, we have a choice; we can accept, compromise or walk away.  This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn.

Sulking, giving the silent treatment, yelling, or name calling are not healthy ways of communicating our wants and needs. We can ask for what we need, but the other person can choose to accept, reject or compromise. We become manipulative and lose ground if we use passive aggressive or aggressive tactics.

There are behaviors that are harmful, such as abuse, name calling, withholding money to control, etc. that should not be tolerated and if the person does not change, walking away is the best option. But I’ve often wondered about lots of other behaviors that are annoying but not harmful. How do we deal with the annoying behaviors of others?  I have learned we do the same. We can ask people to change, but they are still in charge of themselves and if they choose to not change, we choose to ignore or walk away.

Walking away can look like a lot of things. We can go into the another room, we can leave a party where someone is being obnoxious, put on head phones so we don’t have to listen to annoying sounds, etc.

As the years wane, I began to ponder why people think it is their right to tell other people how to act when it isn’t harming them. I wonder why people think they must tell others how to dress (mostly modestly) how to think (it isn’t okay to think about sex) or how to feel (it isn’t okay to feel anger, jealousy or sadness). 

I run a support group and this is always a point of contention within the group, as people attempt to control others by telling them what behavior and feelings are acceptable and which ones are not. This causes the most contention within the group than anything else. I have learned a lot over the years as I had to moderate the group. I have learned this; that people have a right to their own self-determination over their own thoughts, feelings and behavior as long as they are not harming others.

It is when others attempt to control our thoughts, behavior or emotions that causes the greatest amount of friction in relationships.  We seek autonomy.  I see other’s attempt to control us through passive words, behavior, ideas as well as through aggressive words, behavior and ideas. People are not separate from their behavior, and to say their behavior is bad, wrong or in error, but they are not is the same as calling them bad, wrong or in error.

Such things as sulking, the silent treatment, yelling, or name calling are just a few ways people use to attempt to control other people’s behavior, emotions or thoughts.  Why is it so difficult to allow other people the autonomy to self-determination?

The definition of emotional abuse includes this: verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth."

So, when a person attempts to assert control over others, it is a form of emotional abuse. Each person needs to be able to determine for themselves, from the very small things, to the very large things. We can choose our sexual partners, when we are tired and need to rest. We get to choose how many children we are capable of having (or none at all), as well as which emotions we are feeling, from sadness to frustration to anxiety to anger to happiness. We get to choose our clothes, and even our laugh and sense of humor.  We choose our thoughts and ideas as well.

Respect

I don't want a man to control me

I want a man to respect me

and love me completely

is that really too much to ask?

Why They Leave?

'You are so angry'
'You are so hateful'
'You will only be happy again when you come back to church'
'You are unhappy because you are sinning'
'You will only be at peace when you leave your sinful life behind and begin attending church again'
'Tithing has natural consequences if you don't pay to the church'

These are all things I have been told when I stopped attending the mormon church. I fundamentally reject all of them. I have never been happier or more at peace since leaving.  I have told many people,

'Good things happen to good people; bad things happen to bad people.
Bad things happen to bad people; bad things happen to good people.
This isn't religion, this is life.'

When I stopped paying tithing, I was so afraid that god was going to reach out and punish me. That didn't happen. I went from working a minimum waged job-part-time job, to a full time job, to a full time job with benefits. I have been able to support my children.  Why? Because I worked damn hard and took extra classes to supplement my education. That is life. God had nothing to do with it. Neither did paying or not paying tithing.

It is easy for people who live their lives by certain values to then judge everyone by those same values. People who pay tithing have been told all their lives that if they pay, they will be blessed. Yet, statistics show that those same people are no more financially well off than those who don't pay tithing. Also, there are more filings for bankruptcies in the state of Utah than any other state.  http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon356.htm

I was told my entire life as a mormon that those who leave, do so for only a few reasons: 'You want to sin'; 'You have been offended'; 'You are too lazy to walk the straight and narrow path'.

There is a new survey that shows these assumptions to be false:
http://whymormonsleave.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/WhyTheyLeave_30Jan2012v4.pdf

Here is an excerpt:


Reasons why People Lose Faith
If you no longer believe that the LDS church is the true church (and once
did), which of the following were factors in your loss of belief:
                                                 Moderate to Strong Factor                         Primary Factor
I lost faith in Joseph Smith                                            81%                        39%
I studied church history and lost my belief                     84%                        39%
I ceased to believe in the church's doctrine/theology       87%                       38%
I lost faith in the Book of Mormon                                 79%                       35%
I re-evaluted what it means to believe/know, and realized
that I never really believed.                                             52%                       18%
I lost confidence in the general authorities                       71%                       18%
Church's stance on homosexuals / Prop 8                       68%                      15%
I did not feel spiritually edified at church                         67%                      15%
Church's stance on women                                            70%                       14%
I became bothered by church culture
 (e.g. conservative politics, etc.)                                     57%                       11%
I lost my faith in God 39% 11%
Church's stance on science-related matters                     64%                         9%
I lost my faith in Jesus                                                   39%                          8%
I lost confidence in my local church leadership                41%                         8%
Church's stance on race issues (blacks, native
  Americans, etc.)                                                            72%                         7%
I did not receive the promised spiritual witness                 37%                         6%
I received a spiritual witness to leave the church and go
  elsewhere                                                                      18%                         5%
I or someone I loved was abused by someone in the church.12%                     3%
I wanted to engage in behaviors viewed as sinful by the
church (e.g. alcohol, extra-marital sex)
                                                                                        8%                         1%
I was offended by someone in the church.                         8%                         1%
Lack of meaningful friendships within the church              13%                         1%

Not Good for Women ~ Part V

One Box Fits All
In 1987, president benson talked to the members of the mormon church and said these words:

In the eternal family, God established that fathers are to preside in the home. Fathers are to provide, to love, to teach, and to direct.
But a mother's role is also God-ordained. Mothers are to conceive, to nourish, to love, and to train. So declare the revelations....
opportunity and responsibility of wives is "to multiply and replenish the earth...and to fulfill the promise which was given by my Father before the foundation of the world, and for their exaltation in the eternal worlds.

Young mothers and fathers, with all my heart I counsel you not to postpone having your children....The Lord clearly defined the roles of mothers and fathers in providing for and rearing a righteous posterity....Women have claim on their husbands for their maintenance.... This is the divine right of a wife and mother. She cares for and nourishes her children at home. Her husband earns the living for the family.... the counsel of the Church has always been for mothers to spend their full time in the home in rearing and caring for their children.  http://fc.byu.edu/jpages/ee/w_etb87.htm

Has this dated, 1950's view of the family changed? Let's look at the counsel given in 2008: 

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness

and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. http://lds.org/Static%20Files/PDF/Manuals/TheFamily_AProclamationToTheWorld_35538_eng.pdf

What if this one-size-fits-all-mold doesn't fit everyone? What about these scenarios:

1. A woman has the need, desire and drive to have a career

2. The family finances dictate two incomes

3. The father desires to stay home and the mother is capable of making more income

4. A woman, who has never had the opportunity to get married, desires to have a child

5. Gays

6. A couple, who are traumatized by divorced parents, desire to be in a relationship, but to not sign on the legal paperwork and make it legal (marriage)
7. A couple who does not desire children; who wants to postpone children until they are firmly established in a career or education or feel emotionally ready and prepared

Of course, these scenarios are out of the round holes the church insists everyone fit into, thus they do not allow any varying for those of us who are the square pegs. Here is a quote from the church's hand book for women who would desire a child, but are not married:

Artificial Insemination

The Church strongly discourages artificial insemination using semen from anyone but the husband. However, this is a personal matter that ultimately must be left to the judgment of the husband and wife. Responsibility for the decision rests solely upon them.

Artificial insemination of single sisters is not approved. Single sisters who deliberately refuse to follow the counsel of Church leaders in this matter are subject to Church discipline

There is no varying, no flexibility, no kindness, no compassion for people who do not fit the mold the church has designed and said all people must fit into. Even when research shows there is more than one way, that it is good for women to work; they are not flexible and will not accommodate any other view.

http://jezebel.com/5867571/having-a-job-makes-moms-healthier-happier

There are some people within who are able to be cafeteria mormons (they can pick and choose those doctrines they want to conform to and follow, much like a person would pick and choose what to eat in a buffet line).  They are the ones who seem to be able to look at these things say, 'eh, whatever; I'm going to church and doing my own thing.' Then there are people like me who are all in or all out.  We aren't black and white thinkers, but we are very ethical.  If we are going to live certain principles, we are going to do it all the way.  

We feel we are violating our own ethical codes; if we say we are going to follow an ethical code we will follow it, but we aren't only going to follow it when it suits us. We are the ones who have left the church because the church is not willing to accommodate our free thinking.

The box did not fit, so we broke out of the box.

Not Good for Women ~ Part II

Control vs Self Determination

Do you trust yourself to decide what to eat in the morning for breakfast?
Do you trust yourself to decide what to wear to work each day?
Do you trust yourself to decide what career to choose for yourself and your future?
Do you trust yourself to make daily decisions that are as small as what time you are going to go to bed to as large as what house you are going to buy?

If you think you are capable to make these decisions, then why does the mormon church feel compelled to micromanage each woman's life? They determine weather she can have only one pair of earrings. They determine that she cannot have tattoos.  They determine that she cannot wear flip flops, pants or casual clothes to church. They determine how many hours she should attend church, what volunteer hours she will serve, in what capacity, how much money she will donate to that church.  They determine what underwear you will wear. Even when you're entire body is covered, they still have a say, and will tell you those clothes are too tight!

http://thestudentreview.org/2011/12/06/byu-idaho-bans-skinny-jeans/
http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/blogsfaithblog/53068768-180/skinny-byu-jeans-clothing.html.csp
http://www.byuicomm.net/blog/2011/12/07/testing-center-reminds-students-of-dress-and-grooming-standards/

Are you a child? Why can't women make these decisions for themselves? Why do women need men to make all these decisions for them?  Women are told all the time that they are equal to men, that they don't need the priesthood to be considered equal to men.

Its been interesting watching all the women at BYU-I freak out because one man on a power trip put up a sign at the testing center banning women from taking tests at the testing center for a week, because he took it upon himself to interpret the honor code how he wanted; to ban skinny jeans. Who gave him the authority to ban skinny jeans? 

Why did he decide that all women on campus must now conform to what he decided was a moral way of dressing? Have any of these questions been asked? Why not? Why have none of the mormon women asked why one guy who is hired to run the testing center given the power to decide for all the women what they can buy, what they can wear, what is a moral way of dressing? Why is this not being asked? Any man with the priesthood has more determination over what a woman wears than she does. That is sad.

Because they are so used to being told what to think, how to dress, what is moral-- by men, that this very question, the essence of the root the problem; has not even been asked.

I can hardly wait for him to become a bishop! I can see the power trip already!

I want the women in the mormon religion who believe they are considered equal with men to accept a challenge. I want them to set their own standards of dress. I want them to stand up and say they will no longer have men set their standards of dress for them. Men will no longer say how tight their jeans will be, what underwear they will wear, how many pair of earrings they will have, what types of footwear they will wear to church.

Women, when you have the freedom to set your own standards of dress, then I will begin to believe that the male leadership regard you as equals.

If Only

If only one could find peace in the mormon religion.
If only one could do all that was asked of one to reach the mormon heaven.
If only one could find happiness in the mormon church.

If only:
http://www.afterallwecando.com/

If I Were God

If I were God

If I were God would I...
Make one man suffer for all the wrongs and sins of others?
Create humans in my image then call them unnatural and an enemy to myself?
Create humans in a fallen state when I call them the pinnacle of my creations?
Give them emotions and then say half those emotions are evil?
Give them reason and logic and then tell them to blindly obey?
Kill my creations through floods, earthquakes and tsunami's?
Create disease, birth defects and life long pain and suffering?
Give commandments to only a portion of my people that
are a requirement to return to my presence
thus damming the rest of my creations
to hell for simply being born to the
wrong parents and wrong
country and wrong
century?

A Wasted Life

I tried to be the Mormon that was expected of me. I just cleaned out a 4-drawer filing cabinet full of files from F.A.R.M.'s articles, lessons I taught from 20 years as a gospel doctrine teacher; ideas as an activities leader, and 100 family home evening lesson that I spent one year and several hundred dollars putting together.

I accepted every calling that was asked of me. I was a stay at home mother for 15 years despite the fact that it was against my personality and I resented being it. I was a square peg in a round hole. There was only one way to be a Mormon woman. It was okay for the husband to neglect me, to abuse me. It was not okay for me to walk away.  When I began to openly question if this was really God's plan for me, I realized that a loving God would not require me to suffer such abuse. That He would not require only one way to live. Why would a loving God make me have desires to serve people in the real world then say I can only serve by putting together an activity lesson? It was silly, trite, absurd to say that I could not do good in the world like I am now, working with children with disabilities. I feel fulfilled, content, happy. I never felt any of that serving in the church.

The church told women like me that we were selfish for desiring to work outside the home. I do not feel selfish. I could only clean my house so much. It was linear work- I never received pay, a promotion, or was told I had done a good job, let alone a pay raise. I never felt I was accomplishing anything. I could only change so many diapers, clean so much, do so many crafts. There are women who love it, enjoy it, are fulfilled by it--I just wasn't one of them.  Then, when the children were in school, I tried to have the talk with the husband about going back to work part time. No go. He would not even discuss it with me. He walked out of the room when I brought up the topic.

Each. And. Every. Time.             For five years.

I was only good for cooking his meals, cleaning his house, taking care of his needs. I had to beg for money. I had no access to the checking account balance, to the finances. I was a servant. I existed for his pleasure. He was having no change in his status.  This was going to be my future. This is Mormon heaven. Good for the men. Bad for the women.

A wasted life. That is what it is. I wasted my life trying to do what other's told me to do instead of what I wanted and desired. Sad.

Fear

I sit on the couch, surrounded by 4 men; the estranged husband and 3 church leaders. I thought that one of these men were on my side. Was I wrong. I had been struggling with what to believe about the Mormon Church.; I was having a crisis of faith. I had found out things. Terrible things and am struggling because of what I have learned. I had bishops admit to me that they do not make church callings based on being directed by the Holy Ghost as they tell everyone they do; but in fact what is easy, practical, logical, popular. I had told the estranged husband I wanted to attend some other Christian church. He told me he wouldn't follow me there. I had already decided that the Mormon Church could not be true but was keeping these thoughts to myself. I was not attending church. I was not raising my hand and sustaining these church men as my leaders. I had not renewed my temple recommend. I find out later that these men sitting in my house are not here to help me and support me through my crisis of faith, but to apply pressure. I found out later that the estranged husband has been in private communication with these men, turning them against me. Something he would continue to do with future bishops.

The one with the most power, the one who I thought was on my side, speaks. He tells me that I must submit to the husband and the bishop. I am shocked. He had previously told me that he was in my corner. I feel humiliated and horrified. I have been feeling lost and completely alone and have felt I have nowhere to turn and now the one man I thought would support me has turned on me. I tell him "No." I stand up and walk out. I am shattered. My sister once said that what others perceived as a breakdown was in fact a breakthrough. That is what this moment was for me. I got in my car and drove. I didn't know what I was going to do. My marriage was in a shambles. I didn't know where my faith was going to go from this point. I didn't have anyone to turn to; I felt I had no path to walk, I felt lost and all alone. This was the loneliest and lowest point in my life. In that car ride; I began to forge a new path. I turn around and drive back home.

Nobody likes to be forced into a corner with no options but to submit to another person's will. These men think they can use fear to get me to do what they want when love and acceptance would be the wiser choice. I decide from that moment on that I would not submit to fear; fear of losing my eternal reward (what god would have us follow him based on fear?); fear of losing my family; fear of losing everything unless I submitted to fallible men?

The definition of submit is:

sub·mit

  –verb (used with object)

1. to give over or yield to the power or authority of another.

2. to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.

3. to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit a  plan; to submit anapplication.

4. to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose (usuallyfol. by a clause): I submit  that full proof should be required.

Why is a man’s opinion, power or authority of any more value than mine? A man is as fallible as I am. Does being male make him more intelligent, his opinion, his power any better than mine?  I cannot understand submitting to another man who is as fallible as I am, who is as easily prone to mistakes as I am.  I cannot understand submitting to someone who is prone to controlling and manipulating.  We can teach each other and learn from each other, but we should not be required to submit to another.

Passive-Aggressive

There were signs. I just didn’t see them. I thought that since we didn’t fight when we dated or when we were engaged that was a good thing; that we got along beautifully. Little did I know. When we were talking about getting married I told him I wanted to pick out my ring, after all, I was the one who would be wearing it so I wanted something I would like for the rest of my life. He didn’t object; at least, not openly. This would be how things would play out the rest of our marriage. Little did I know.

We went together to pick the ring out. I found one I liked. The Salesman wrote down the number identifying the ring. The time came to propose in Arizona. He was going to propose so my family could be a part of the experience. He refused to propose at that time. Instead he placed the ring in his insulin bag and without my knowledge asked me to carry it around for days. For years to come, when people would ask how we got engaged, this is the only part of the story that he would tell; how he made me carry around my own ring without proposing to me. He thought it was funny—humiliating me like that.

We drove to Utah. He told me he was going to reserve a horse-drawn carriage and propose to me there. He built up my hopes. He drove me downtown. We walked around. He then told me he didn’t reserve the carriage. He drove me up a hill and proposed to me in his car. I was very disappointed. When I saw the ring I was even more disappointed; it wasn’t the ring I had chosen.

It took me years of marriage to figure out that all this was intentional. It was designed to control me; to allow him to be in control in a passive-aggressive way. He would repeat these behaviors in the marriage. He was not being ignorant or thoughtless. He set me up in Arizona and again in Utah, telling me his big plans of how he was going to propose to me, and then knocking me down by making it uneventful. He set me up by making me think I was getting the ring of my choice then knocked me down by substituting one of his choice that I didn’t choose or like.

Twenty years later when I was finally contemplating whether the marriage could be saved or not, we were separated and he called me on Valentine’s Day and told me there was a gift for me at the house. I went to see what it was. There on the table was a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Very expensive. My hopes were raised. He didn’t buy me a Christmas gift, after all- so maybe this meant there was hope. There was a card. I opened it. The card read, ‘A****, I love you but I honestly can’t be with you.’ Who tells someone with flowers that they can’t be with them?!

What the f**?! Is he really setting me up only to pull me down again? I couldn’t believe he is still playing this game with me, after 3 years of marriage counseling, after me telling him I couldn’t do this roller coaster in the marriage anymore! The next day I told my attorney to file the divorce papers.