Friday, January 21, 2011

Insider's Edition

Always wanted to know the inner workings of the morg but were afraid to ask? Find out what official church principles are here:

Being Offended

A talk by Bednar states that people leave the mormon church because they are offended.  I didn't leave because I was offended.  I left because I stopped believing in their shit.

After leaving, however I have decided to be offended.  I am offended that they expressed racist attitudes and beliefs and discriminated against blacks and even during the civil rights movement, refused to extend the priesthood blessings and temple blessings to blacks. are Inferior

I have decided to be offended that the mormon church continues to maintain women as inferior to men:

I have decided to be offended that the mormon church continues its history of discrimination by discriminating against gays:

I have decided to be offended that they lied to me about the true history of the mormon church and instead fed me and others a revisionist history: C. Kimball, second councilor to Brigham Young, on how monogamy can make a man wither and dry up:,.htm#"Brigham Young, on his whisky distillery an 1873 account, published in Frasers Magazine, Joseph was

I have decided to be offended about your secrecy on how you spend the tithing money that is donated, how much money is donated, and how the money is eventually moved to the corporate side of the church and that they encourage its members to pay tithing before they buy food or pay bills:

Mr. Bednar of the leadership of the church is asking its members to reach out to those of us who are emotionally immature and choose to be offended.  I choose to be offended by its practices, Mr. Bednar, not because I am emotionally immature.

I choose to stay away from an organization that practices deception and discrimination.  Asking its members to ask me back will not help me back as I choose to not live a life of discrimination and deception.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Speaking out

Why? Why does talking about things in the past matter so much to me? Why can't I just say live and let live and stop writing my blog?

*The morg harmed me in ways I haven't even begun to mention.  I know there are many, many, more out there, stuck, like I was stuck; feeling as if there is no way out of the morg for them.  I write to let them know, there is not only a way out, but happiness and peace are waiting on the other side.

*The morg played a role in the destruction of my marriage. How is this possible? When the husband's abuse was brought to their attention, they did nothing to stop the abuse.  They enabled the abuse by telling me to stay in the abusive marriage while not telling him he must stop.  The morg teaches men to be dominant and women to be submissive in marriages. Although not all mormon men take this to the extreme that the husband did, it enables those who have a penchant for abuse to flourish.

*I was lied to by the morg.  They lied about their true history, they lied about being the only true church of god, they lied about revelations/changing revelations, they lied about the temple ceremony coming from god.  This was not only on a grand scale, but on a smaller scale; I was told by bishops and stake presidents that they give church callings by the inspiration of the holy ghost.  I find out that they make callings based on need, desperation, popularity.  I want these lies exposed.

*Many people would say we owe our ancestors (who made great sacrifices to bring the mormon church to Utah) the dedication to stay in.  I say we owe our descendants the gift of truth, of freedom to choose a religion for themselves and not one imposed upon them by birth.

*It is still holding my family hostage. How? It requires 10% of their income to make it into their heaven.  It says families can be together forever--IF they are mormon, pay tithing, attend all their church meetings, do extra church callings, sacrifice family time to spend time at the church, they support their church leaders with complete devotion, are married (no singles, sorry), have many children, etc, etc.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


I was raped. This was many years ago. I do not carry the pain or the stigma attached to it anymore.  I am speaking out now for a number of reasons.  One reason is because I have resigned my membership in the mormon church.

When I was raped I went to my bishop for healing and help and understanding.  What I got instead was punishment.  I was disfellowshipped from the mormon church.  Why?  Because of a book by spencer w. kimball called, 'the miracle of forgiveness'.  (I refuse to capitalize his name, the name of the church, or the name of the book because I refuse to give any respectability to any of them.)  I have a first addition of this book.  It was used by bishops as a reference in disciplining members of the church who had committed sin. This is a quote from page 63, '...Your virtue is worth more than your life.  Please, young folk, preserve your virtue even if you lose your lives.  do not tamper with sin... do not permit yourselves to be led into temptation....Realizing that chastity is of more value than anything else in all the world.'

Because I did not fight back to the losing of my life, I was held responsible for my rape.  This is misogynistic and reprehensible.  To expect a woman to lose her life in the commission of a crime is outrageous.  If my house was on fire and I survived, would I be held responsible for my house burning down because I didn't burn with it? If I was burglarized and didn't fight for the loss of my purse, would I be held accountable for the loss of my belongings?  This is backward thinking.  Yet this is the thought processes of the leadership of the mormon church.

I am speaking out now to save others the pain that I have suffered.
I am speaking out now because I have a voice.
I am speaking out now because I can.
It is better to survive rape that to be killed by it.
I am a survivor of rape and happy to be alive.
I am alive and proud of it.
I will not be silenced!

In Charge

Paintball is great fun! I have wanted to play for years but I had no one to play with.  I couldn't get the husband to play.  I couldn't get the boyfriend to play.  Now that I am single, I can actually do things that I couldn't do in a relationship.  I love, love, love dancing! Now that I am single, I can go dancing any time I want.  Not only can I go dancing any time I want, but I am told I am good at it.  I can dance to 80's music or I can ballroom dance.  My husband didn't dance.  He promised me he would take lessons. He didn't keep that promise.  In my 20's, I would dance 2 or 3 times a week.  When I got married, how I missed dancing. I don't have to miss it anymore.

When I have been in relationships, I would always submit what I desired and wished to the will of the person I was in the relationship with.  If they wanted to watch Family Guy on TV, we would watch only Family Guy.  If they wanted to spend the night in because they were too tired to go out, we would spend the night in.  Too bad if I wanted to go out with friends.  My wishes and desires were always left on the back burner.

For the first time in my life, I get to do what I want to do.  I don't need to let someone else dictate to me what they want or need or desire.  It is a great feeling.  If I want to go out to a bar and drink tequila, I can.  If I want to dance till 2 am, I can.  If I want to go play paintball for the first time in my life, I get to.

It's a great thing to be in charge of my life and not have to submit to a man.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The Exodus

I am looked upon as an apostate.  An apostate is one who leaves the mormon church.  It isn't enough for me to say I just don't believe, which is the truth. I have to be labeled.  Why? Because the information that I carry is a threat to those who stay.

I was raised from birth to believe.  I went to mormon colleges.  I served a mission, I gave up 18 months of my life, preaching a gospel that I believed in.  I married in the mormon temple.  I was raising my children to live the same life I lived.  To turn and walk away from all of that threatens those who stay. If I can turn my back on all that I once believed, can they, too?

Although I have addressed many of my reasons for leaving, one of the doctrinal reasons, I have not addressed.  The very last lesson I taught in the gospel doctrine class was on this very subject.  I was called on the carpet for it in class by a former bishop.  I was called into the bishop's office and told that I could not teach this anymore.  Although I had come to accept many contradictory doctrines, I could not accept the  mormon's belief against scientific evidence against the book of mormon people being descended from the Jews/Hebrews.  The DNA evidence was overwhelming. For years I tried to justify it. I could not anymore. Here is one man's journey out based on this same evidence:

Cognitive Dissonance.  It was time for me to join the exodus.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


Have I lost my edge?

I have been angry at the mormon church for so long. I have been angry that they stole my life, meaning that I lived my life according to what they told me would make me happy and it turned out to be a lie.  I have been angry that they have attempted micro-manage my life; from how many pairs of earrings are acceptable, to flip flops being inappropriate for  church, to not allowing my children to have sleepovers; all decisions that I am capable of making on my own.

I have been angry at them for lying about the real history of the mormon church  I have been angry at them for lying about them being the only true church of god  I have been angry at them for suggesting their leaders are infallible  I have been angry at them for saying their leaders speak by the spirit and must be followed  I have been angry for them saying it is more important to pay tithing to the mormon church than to put food on the table  I have been angry that they say the only way to heaven is by paying tithing to the mormon church, doing secret handshakes in the mormon temples and making secret oaths in the mormon temples that they stole (my opinion) from the masons.

Now that I have turned in my resignation, my anger has dissipated.  Has most my passions been fueled by my anger? Have I now lost my edge?

Saturday, January 1, 2011


I resigned from the mormon church today.  If you leave a Protestant church, you just leave, but not in the mormon church, there is a very formal process.  You have to write a letter to the local church leader, the bishop and send a copy of that letter to church headquarters in Salt Lake City, Ut.  There is very specific information that has to be contained in the letter.  Because so many people are resigning now than ever before, people can resign by e-mail and by fax, now.  I resigned by e-mail.  I hand delivered the letter to my bishop, however.

That conversation was interesting.  The bishop asked if the letter contained allegations of abuse by my former husband.  I was not expecting this question. It upset me, as I had this conversation with this man before. He knew the answer. I admit I yelled at him, "Are you kidding me? You know he abused me! You know he was $7,000 in arrears in child support and yet he was given a temple recommend anyway! His bishop and Stake President knew this.  This is a misogynistic church. Yes, my letter spells all this out, but nothing is going to change!" He told me to stop yelling at him.  I calmed down and we had an interesting conversation.

We discussed  the origins of the church, how the mormon church grew out of Parley P. Pratt, Oliver Cowdery and Sidney Rigdon's desire to understand the nature of god and how they were members of the Campbellite church and how the mormon church and book of mormon contains the doctrines of the Campbellite church.  We discussed tithing and how the church spends 3 billion dollars on the city creek mall and yet expects its members to pay tithing even before they buy food for their family.

One of the most interesting discussions was about spiritual experiences.  He told me he just knows the church is true because he has had spiritual experiences.  He told me knows that I too have had those experiences.  He asked how do I explain that.  I told him that I have done a lot of research because I have had to be at peace with everything.  I told him this was one of the most troubling aspects for me.  I told him that I did have these experiences, but that they contradicted each other.  I told him that what I found is that science has explained these as our mind telling us what we want to hear.

I gave him an example that when I was dating the soon-to-be husband, I prayed about marrying him, and received an answer that he was the one that I should marry, that he would treat me well. He didn't, and then when the marriage was crumbling, I prayed as to whether I should divorce him and received an answer that I should divorce him, and received an answer that that is the path I should take.  This was very confusing to me.  Why would I be told to marry him, then be emotionally abused by him for 20 years, then be told to divorce him?  What kind of god was this?  When searching for answers, it makes sense that it was my sub-conscience telling me both answers and not some supernatural force.

I am a pleaser and my family was putting heavy pressure on me to marry.  It was logical for me to marry this man.  He was established, owned a home, was working on his masters, held down a good job.  When the marriage was dissolving, I had tried everything to make it work, literally everything, and the only path was the path out.  My mind knew this.

At one point the bishop tried turning this into a temple recommend interview (odd-here I was handing in my resignation and that is what he is worried about?) by asking me if I was keeping my temple covenants.  I told him I don't believe in that stuff.  He told me I wasn't going to convert him to believing my way.  I told him that wasn't my point, that I was just telling him all the research I had done so he knew I hadn't taken all of this lightly (again, odd, since he knew about most the stuff I was telling him about).  I wanted him to know I had been thorough and introspective.

How do I feel? I feel odd.