Perfection?

In the mormon church, we were told, 'be ye therefore perfect, even as your father in heaven is perfect.'

Even though we were told this was not to be something to be  achieved in this life, everyone still expected everyone else to pretend to be perfect.

The definition of what it meant to be perfect was also very narrowly defined.

A young man named Henry who lived in California tried so desperately to be perfect.  But you see, he was also gay.  You can't be gay and perfect in the mormon church.  He tried so hard to change being gay.  He couldn't, so he did what so many other gay youth in the mormon church are doing-- he committed suicide.  http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1975981914/a-stranger-at-the-table-why-god-hates-gay-mormons

Although I cannot completely understand his struggle, since I have never questioned my sexual orientation, I do understand his struggle with the concept of trying to be perfect, and especially such a narrow view of what perfection is; and if you can't be perfect, pretend to be something that you are not.

Not being your authentic self, leads to frustration, disappointment in yourself, a life of sadness and unhappiness. Like so many people discover, it leads to suicide or attempts at suicide.

I know how it feels to strive for perfection and always failing; never being good enough for the church or your family; always trying to be someone you are not and feeling as though your authentic self is not good enough for the church, your family or god.

The mantra to be perfect is at odds with loving yourself and others.

Not good for Women ~ Part III

Not Good Enough

Have you ever had someone in your life, that no matter how hard you tried, you were never good enough  for them?  You clean the kitchen, but they will find that one crumb you left behind.  You pay the bills, but they will notice that you didn't balance the last week's worth of bills.  You mow the lawn, but they point out you forgot to weed the flower bed. No matter how good you are, they will always point out the one thing you miss, the one error you made. You always feel like a failure around them.

This is how many people, including myself, always felt in the mormon church.  We felt like we could never measure up.  If we did our visiting teaching, we weren't doing it good enough because we waited till the last day to do it.  If we did our church calling, we didn't put enough time into it.  We didn't wear the right dress to church, we let our kids cry in church. We complained when our husbands were gone all day on Sunday instead of spending time with us. It was always something we were failing at. Square peg in a round hole.

How would it be, then to be a gay teenager in the mormon church?  To be told that the feelings you are having are wrong, sinful, going to keep you out of heaven?  Always trying to suppress, but never really being able to?

How would it be, to be molested by a priesthood holder and then be told by the bishop that you need to forgive him because he is the man-priesthood and not seek legal redress?  Always trying to suppress, but never really being able to?

How would it be, to feel you want to not have children or get married, but feeling the need to, because you are told that the only way to be happy is to have children and be married?  Always trying to suppress, buy never really being able to?

How would it be, to feel your only way out, is to commit suicide?
I don't think I can take any more of my friends trying to kill themselves because they are rejected, because they have been told their entire lives they are not good enough just the way they are.

Can we please just love each other the way we are?

The Bike in the Box

I went to a memorial service tonight for a woman who committed suicide.  It was one of the most beautiful services I have ever been to.  For one thing, the minister didn't try to avoid the fact that she killed herself. She acknowledged the fact that she did this out of courage and that she loved her family and friends and she felt she had no other alternative.  She acknowledged the fact that she considered the impact her actions would have on everyone left behind. I have had many people say that suicide is an act of selfishness or cowardly.

 I disagree.  People who get to that point know their actions will impact many lives.  Their pain is so deep and severe, they see no other way out, no other way to end the pain.  People who suffer from depression are often very sensitive, caring, and are very in tune with how other people feel, more so than the average person.  They are empathetic and deeply concerned with others.  They feel, not only their own pain deeply, but other's pain, as well. It is often knowing how much this action will impact others that keeps them from making this choice for a very long time.  They think about suicide, they wish for it, they ruminate on it, they long for it.  But the impact it will have on others keeps them from making the final decision for months or often years.

I know depression.  Depression and I are old friends.  We go way back.  Depression is an old family friend who comes to visit on occasion.  I have tried to break the bond depression and I have with each other with varying degrees of success.  It does take courage to face depression.  People who are intimate with depression are well aware how their friend-- depression, is impacting their lives and the lives of those around them.


At the memorial service, one of the family members told the story of a bicycle that she won.  It was unassembled in a box.  She had asked her brother for help putting it together.  He postponed his trip to help her.  The bike sat in the box for many, many months, waiting for him to come and help her.  He never made the trip.

After her death, the bike was found, still in the box, unassembled.

Are there bikes in your garage that are not assembled?
Are there people in your life that you have not reached out to but keep meaning to?
Are there words unspoken?
Is there someone you love but can't bring yourself to tell them?

What unfinished business do you have in your life?
Who do you need to apologize to?
Who needs to die before you realize it?
Is it going to be too late for you, too?