What is marriage?

Marriage has been in the news so much lately. Many people have been blogging about it. I have my personal views on it as well. I was married for 20 years. When I got married, it was what was expected of me, it was what everybody did. I didn't particularly want to; I had very few examples of happy marriages. My Mom wasn't happy. I did a lot of babysitting when I was a teen and I didn't see any examples of marriages that I wanted to emulate. Disney didn't help matters; they showed princesses that were helpless and needed rescuing from horrid family lives and the prince came along and rescued her and that is where the story ended. There was no example of what came next....

This is what disney showed:  Disney Princess

This is the reality:  Disney Reality

What about the Mormon church? What do they teach about marriage? One has to only look to the proclamation to the family to know what is expected of a wife and husband. I want to take a look at marriage and break it down, look at the historical aspect and societal expectations.

1. Gender roles and expectations in marriage.
What is gender and how does it play out in marriage? Are the expectations different today than in times past? Are they changing for the future?  This is known for sure, science and the Mormon church disagree fundamentally on how gender is assigned and how gender determines what roles each sex will play in a marriage:

LDS Proclaims Marriage Roles, Gender Roles
*  Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.
*By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.      

  No distinct differences between sexes
*This is what science has to say about Gender
*There aren't real psychological differences between men and women
* there are linear gradations of variables associated with sex, such as masculinity or intimacy, all of which are continuous
*There are no real physical strength, personality traits, or other character trait differences between the sexes.
* individuals' differences often have little to do with gender

Are men more capable of working and bringing in income than women? Are women more nurturing and capable of cleaning a house than men? Not according to science.

I have yet to find a household chore that requires a vagina to do.

I am perplexed by the belief that women want to marry a man, have children by him, yet do not believe he is as nurturing and caring as she is. Do women really believe men are not as capable to love and nurture as she is? I find the idea to be demeaning to men.

It doesn't take a vagina to learn compassion and love. It doesn't take a penis to learn to manage people or earn money.

2. History of Marriage

Many people are claiming that marriage is historically between one man and one woman. I'm perplexed by this idea.  Today, in many African cultures, polygamy is currently practiced, as well as in the Muslim religion. Polygamy was practiced in the Mormon culture only 100 years ago; History of polygamy   Polygamy

So what about the Bible? Many people who are Christian claim to follow the tenets of the Bible and say the Bible purports the idea of one man to one wife. Let's look at some scriptural references:

1. Nothing prevents a man from taking on concubines in addition to the wife or wives he may already have (Gen 25:6, Judges 8:31, 2 Sam 5:13, 1 Kings 11:3, 1 Chron 3:9, 2 Chron 11:21, Dan 5:2-3).Biblical marriage references Here are all the references that allow a man to have concubines; now a concubine is not a legal wife; they are: 

   con·cu·bine

   1.
   

   a woman who cohabits with a man to whom she is not legally married, especially one regarded as socially or sexually subservient; mistress.
2. A man might chose any woman he wants for his wife (Gen 6:2, Deut 21:11), provided only that she is not already another man’s wife (Lev 18:14-16, Deut. 22:30) or his [half-]sister (Lev 18:11, 20:17), nor the mother (Lev 20:14) or the sister (Lev 18:18) of a woman who is already his wife. The concept of a woman giving her consent to being married is foreign to the Biblical mindset
3. If a woman cannot be proven to be a virgin at the time of marriage, she shall be stoned (Deut 22:13-21).
4. A rapist must marry his victim (Ex. 22:16, Deut. 22:28-29) - unless she was already a fiancé, in which case he should be put to death if he raped her in the country, but both of them killed if he raped her in town(Deut. 22:23-27).
5. Women marry the man of their father’s choosing (Gen. 24:4, Josh.15:16-17, Judges 1:12-13, 12:9, 21:1, 1 Sam 17:25, 18:19, 1 Kings 2:21, 1 Chron 2:35, Jer 29:6, Dan 11:17)
6. Women are the property of their father until married and their husband after that (Ex. 20:17, 22:17, Deut. 22:24, Mat 22:25).
7. Better to not get married at all - although marriage is not a sin (Matt 19:10, I Cor 7:1, 7:27-28, 7:32-34, 7:38).

There are more, but they don't get better. I don't want my marriage to look like that and I doubt many women today would want theirs to look like that, either. When people look to the Bible as the ideal, then they usually haven't read the Bible. The Bible is 2,000 years old, it represents the Bronze age, written by men who enslaved women, children and other people they conquered in war. Is that really what we want to represent us today?

3. Differing Cultures

The book, The Feminine Mystique was written in 1963 and it details the history of housewives. Women have worked always. Married women have worked along side their husbands as they owned shops, worked on the farms. Women have taught school children, they have done everything, there has never been a time when women haven't worked, until after World War II. It was a peculiar time. I donate money to an organization called KIVA.org. It gives money to women across the world who run their own businesses. Women all over the world work to support their families. When the Mormon church says that women should stay home to raise their families, this is a foreign idea to women in other countries, as they must work to support their children.  Kiva.org

The idea that women should stay home and not work is idealistic, foolish and imposing American ideals and values onto other cultures. It assumes there is only one way to live. Even in America, it assumes that all families can live on one income, that all families have two parents, that there is no such thing as domestic violence or abuse of any kind or that all men and women are equally responsible, or that there is no such thing as abandonment. It assumes there is only one way to raise children. There are so many different ways to raise children and they all work with varying degrees of success and have value.

4. Purposes of marriage and outcomes of marriage

What are the purposes of marriage? This to me is the most interesting. When I got married, I had no idea what the purpose of marriage was, other than controlling sexual relations. Since my divorce, I have learned many things that I never learned before that I wished I had.
*Marriage is controlled by the state, not the church
*People must get permission from the state to marry, it's called a marriage license, its obtained from the gov't not from a religious organization
*A marriage can only be undone by the state through a divorce
*The state decides who can have authority to marry; they may give that authority to religious organizations, judges, etc.
*In many foreign countries, only the state has authority to authorize marriages; religious organizations do not; therefore the Mormon church can only seal couples and not marry them. Therefore, a couple gets married by the state and gets sealed the next day in the temple, there is not year waiting period.
*Many people get married with no intent of having children
*There are over 1,000 benefits afforded people who marry not given to single people rights/privileges given to married
*There is a level of commitment that comes with marriage
*Marriage provides companionship and love
*Many people believe it is a sin to have sex outside of marriage
*Many people have children within marriage
*Even after having children, those children grow up, move out, yet many marriages remain in tact...so what is the purpose of the marriage after that?
*What is one of the best predictors of divorce? Being conservative Christian...yep. Getting married young and being uneducated leads to divorce Being Christian leads to divorce
*Marriage is hard; relationships are hard, but meeting someone who is raised in a different family system than you, a different social system than you, with different beliefs, different values, different ideas, a different view of how a family should be run, how holidays should go, how money should be handled. Then you are supposed to mesh these two systems together. If you have two people who are flexible, this can go smoothly, if you have two people who are arrogant, narcissistic, inflexible, then this is not going to go well. Oh, and nobody tells you about this. All people say is love is enough. Bull shit.
*Situations change over time, environments change over time, people change over time. Some people are better able to handle this, some people are not. Some people say, 'You are not the same person I married' (well, duh!) Some people say, 'I've changed, what did you expect?' And others change, but in opposite directions and become complete strangers to each other. Nobody tells you this is a possibility as the outset.
*The frontal lobe that controls personality, higher reasoning, and executive reasoning skills do not finish developing until the early twenties, sometimes not until around 25 years or so. Even the taste buds haven't fully formed yet. Yet, the mormon church and other religions encourage marriage before this age. The risks are the couple will likely realize the decision they made in a marriage partner is not the one they would have made later in life.
*When a couple gets married before they are done with their education, before they have some savings and are financially established; when they begin to have children before they have paid off student loans, they are only adding stress to an already stressful life. Stress leads people to emotionally distance themselves from each other, to yell more, to not be as calm and pleasant to those we love as we usually would. Add children on top of this, and research has shown that there is a higher divorce rate for these families.

Is it possible to have some of these things without the contract of marriage?
*If a person does not enter into a contract with the state to get married, a person never has to get a divorce
*A person cannot obtain the benefits of marriage, such as insurance, inheritance, etc, without marriage
*People can be just as committed to each other without entering into a legal contract. Every day, I choose to stay with the person that I love. Each day is a day of commitment. I choose to stay with him, rather than stay out of obligation or because it is easier to stay rather than get a divorce.
*Sin is religion imposing their values onto people. I'm okay with religious people believing what they want, but I also know that people have had sex without having been married since the beginning of time. People are biologically driven to it. Religion is a means to control people. I have no desire to be controlled by anyone.
*It is possible to find one or more people who you can live with to find companionship and love.
*It is possible to be committed to someone with the contract of marriage
*It is possible to have sex outside marriage
*It is possible to raise children outside marriage

 I do not need a contract with the government to tell me I am in a committed relationship. I do not need religion to define my relationship for me.

If marriage could change so much over the years, then it can continue to change and evolve.
There is nothing religious about it.

What is marriage? Marriage is love, commitment, conventional, practical and traditional, but
 History also tells us that marriage is patriarchy: How patriarchy harms families

Contradictions

Growing up, we were always told contradictory ideas:

1. All knowledge is good and of god vs. fear the internet because some knowledge will lead you away from the church.

2. Teach them correct principles and let them choose for themselves vs. never question church leaders/blindly follow them

3. Men do not carry the stain of Adam eating the apple vs. Eve is to submit to Adam for eating the apple   4. Women are to be equal to men vs. women are to submit to men

5. Man is not punished for Adam's sin vs. all of Cain's descendants and all of Laman and Lemual's descendants were punished for their sins

6. Individual members can seek inspiration from god vs. if church leaders receive inspiration that is contradictory inspiration it trumps whatever the the individual was told by god

7. The church is all about family vs. once you don't believe like us, we will shun you

Belief

I don't run into many of my former mormon friends in stores any more, but I used to.  It was uncomfortable because the only questions they would ask is what ward (congregation) I belong to; what church calling I hold (what volunteer work I do in within the church); how is my husband (whom I am divorced from).  I do have a few mormon friends on fb and no matter how many photos I post of me in tank tops (a big no no to show shoulders because for some odd reason, shoulders have become sexual or offensive or vulgar), or how many articles I post about alcohol ( mormons think drinking alcohol and tea and coffee is a sin), my mormon friends cannot grasp the concept that someone can leave the mormon church and so they continue to ask about what my life is like within the mormon church. Sigh.

I was taught my entire mormon life that people only leave because they are offended by something or someone or because they are sinners and do not repent.  I believed this and repeated this diatribe and now this is one of my greatest regrets as I have come to realize it is false.

I have attempted multiple times to explain to mormons that I left because I stopped believing that their leaders speak to a god that hates black people then changes his mind and loves them.  I stopped believing that their leaders should rule in fear and shame.  I stopped believing that people should receive church discipline for having a crisis of faith. I stopped believing in a church that punishes a woman who divorces a man for leaving an abusive husband. I stopped believing that women should be submissive to men. I stopped believing in the patriarchal order.  I stopped believing that god will punish people for not giving tithing to an organization that builds malls instead of water wells.  I stopped believing in a god that makes people gay and then punishes those same people and tells their family to shun them. I stopped believing in a god that helps people find their keys so they will be on time for church yet does not stop an earthquake from killing thousands.

I stopped telling mormons why I left because they believe that all people are supposed to be mormon, all people are supposed to conform to its beliefs, all people are supposed to accept it someday (that is why they do baptisms for the dead).  How do you rationalize with beliefs like that?

Not Good for Women VII

Progressive, forward thinking, working women, artists. The mormon ads portray the women in the mormon church as all of these things. Yet, is this really the belief of the leaders and doctrine in the church?

Try on this latest quote:

‎"The most important thing for a woman in this life is to be the wife of a worthy

 priesthood holder and the mother of his children."

"We know that every father can, or should be, an officer in the priesthood,

meaning that he holds the priesthood and presides over his family in 

righteousness."

Boyd K. Packer

Saturday, February 11, 2012http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/worldwide-leadership-training/2012/02/priesthood-power-in-the-home?lang=eng

Note the date.

The man presides OVER his family. Wow. Not the words that translate into equality.

Not the attitude of a progressive church that treats women as equals.

Not Good for Men

As I'm being told for the hundredth time, "Why are you so emotional, why can't you be less emotional?" When I ask him why he doesn't show any emotion, he tells me that I show enough for both of us.   I decide to try an experiment. Since I want the husband to be more emotional (why can't he express any love toward me? Why can't he show sadness, or excitement, or even happiness when he watches the kids have fun? Anything except anger at me for always being the wrong type person--like now for being too emotional?) I am going to show as little emotion as possible for a year to see if me being less emotional will make him be more emotional.

For a year, I don't get excited, I don't get angry, I don't get sad--nothing.  Literally nothing; not from me or from him. My experiment failed, it didn't make him more emotional by me being less emotional. Why?

The roles people are assigned:

I have written a number of blogs about why the church is not good for women.  The church is also not good for men. The church has assigned women the role of being nurturers.  The women are assigned the role of loving and caring for the family and society.  They are given permission to be emotional; they are allowed to love, to care, to be sad, happy, to cry. I can play with my children, hold them, cuddle with them. I can laugh with the husband, hug him, and love him with my whole being.

The husband has been assigned the role of provider.  He is allowed to work, provide shelter and be an authority figure. By being assigned this role and denied the role of caretaker, he is not allowed to love or show emotion. Why? This would be beneath him. He is not allowed to partake in this role as a man.

This is how it is in a patriarchal hierarchy.  God/church is above man. Man is above women.  Man is to preside over women just as God/church presides over man. Man is to preside and lead and provide.  Women are to submit and nurture.  If men nurture, they are not fulfilling their role, as that role has been assigned to women. It is beneath them.  Men are just as much devalued in this system as women are.

Men are not given permission to emotionally attach to women.  They are not given permission to emotionally attach to their children.  They are not allowed to love, to cry, to care, to show compassion.

When the marriage was in utter chaos, I insisted he see a counselor. He chose a mormon counselor.  After the first session with him, the counselor asked to meet with me. He said, "You women send your men to me to fix them. What is it you want me to fix?" I told him right then that the marriage would end in divorce.  He didn't get it because he was raised in the very system that messed up the husband.  The husband was doing exactly what he was assigned to do, after all; he was providing and presiding. What more did I expect out of him?

I expected him to love me, to care for me, at have an emotional connection with me.  The counselor didn't get this because that was not his role to do those things. I was unhappy not being loved and cared for. I needed  these in the marriage.

Men are repressed. They, too can break out of the mold.

Not Good for Females

I have repeatedly said that one of the main reasons I left the morg is because it is not a good place for women.

I have given my personal story of how I have been harmed by misogynistic leadership.  I have heard so many women who have shared similar storied to mine.  The pat answer I get back is that *the church is perfect, the leadership is not*. This is so completely lame, it doesn't deem a response. However, since I hear it so often, I will respond.

If the church were indeed receiving guidance from god, then it would not be making poor choices, repeatedly, that harm a large group of people over a long period of time.

If the church were indeed receiving guidance from god, then its leadership would be making choices that were god-like, not human-like.

If the church were indeed receiving guidance from god, then its choices would reflect equality, love and acceptance, not judgement, condemnation and subjugation.

People would not be leaving in droves due to pain and disillusion.

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/52448399-78/moon-church-abuse-report.html.csp

The trouble with Polygamy

As Warren Jeffs is in the news of late, I can't help but wonder the uncomfortable feelings that are being felt by so many of my former friends who are mormon.  I remember so many discussions we had, that often got heated and ended in arguments and hurt feelings as polygamy is still a difficult topic for most mormon people, especially the women.

As it ought to be.  Although the church has banned the practice, it is still written as doctrine in their approved scripture in

 D&C 321:  1 Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you my servant Joseph, that inasmuch as you have inquired of my hand to know and understand wherein I, the Lord, justified my servants Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, as also Moses, David and Solomon, my servants, as touching the principle and doctrine of their having many ^awivesand ^bconcubines—3 Therefore, ^aprepare thy heart to receive and ^bobey the instructions which I am about to give unto you; for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same. 4 For behold, I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting^acovenant; and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye ^bdamned; for no one can ^creject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory.

Even though the church claims to believe in marriage only between one man and one woman, it is written into their doctrine that no one can enter their version of the highest heaven, the celestial kingdom, unless they practice plural marriage.

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/52371806-78/smith-says-women-wives.html.csp?page=1

This article in the Salt Lake Tribune does an excellent job comparing Joseph Smith to Warren Jeffs.  I hope my mormon family and friends will have an open mind enough to read it.

As I have left the church, I am of course, no longer conflicted about polygamy, since I do not believe I will be forced to practice it.  We were always told we would accept it. But how could we, when our kind, loving hearts rejected the thoughts of our husbands having sex with multiple women now?  Leaving us and being emotionally tied to many other women? Physically and emotionally abandoning us to be with others?  If we can't accept it here and now, it isn't going to be possible to accept it in another realm.  This is reality, cognitive dissonance.


http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/52412444-78/polygamy-mormon-hudson-lds.html.csp?page=1

Boundaries

I was raised in a church where, at the age of 12  and every year after that until we were married, we were pulled into a room, alone, with a middle-age man who asked very personal, invasive, private  and even voyeuristic questions.  These questions, if asked by a stranger on the street (and these men were often strangers to us) would be considered sexual harassment.  If these questions were asked by a teacher at school, the teacher would likely be suspended from their job.
*Have you ever allowed a boy to touch your breasts?
*Have you ever allowed a boy to touch your vagina?
*Have you ever allowed a boy to touch your breasts on top of your clothes?
*Have you ever allowed a boy to touch you between your legs on top of your clothes?
*Have you ever french kissed?
*Have you ever masturbated?
*Have you ever allowed a boy to penetrate you?
*With his fingers?
*With his penis?
*Have you ever had anal sex?
*Have you ever had oral sex? Have you done it on your partner or been the recipient?

These are all questions I have been asked or my children have been asked.

There are other ways the church has assisted in breaking down boundaries.  It allows the visiting teachers to ask its members personal questions about their family life, their marriages and their children.  They allow the home teachers to ask personal questions about their church attendance, weather they are reading the scriptures, having prayer, doing their church callings properly, etc.  These are all a violation of privacy and personal automony.

Then there are the tithing settlement and the temple recommend interviews each year. In other christian churches, making tithing donations is anonymous and how much is paid is between the individual person and their god.  In the mormon church, they are held accountable to the bishop yearly.  If they are not paying 10% of their income, they are not allowed to enter the temple, and it is only by their doctrine, if you do not enter the temple, you cannot make it to the mormon heaven.  You are also asked by the bishop about your underwear, if you wear the mormon underwear both day and night and having sex with only your spouse.

There are no boundaries in this church.

A Wasted Life

I tried to be the Mormon that was expected of me. I just cleaned out a 4-drawer filing cabinet full of files from F.A.R.M.'s articles, lessons I taught from 20 years as a gospel doctrine teacher; ideas as an activities leader, and 100 family home evening lesson that I spent one year and several hundred dollars putting together.

I accepted every calling that was asked of me. I was a stay at home mother for 15 years despite the fact that it was against my personality and I resented being it. I was a square peg in a round hole. There was only one way to be a Mormon woman. It was okay for the husband to neglect me, to abuse me. It was not okay for me to walk away.  When I began to openly question if this was really God's plan for me, I realized that a loving God would not require me to suffer such abuse. That He would not require only one way to live. Why would a loving God make me have desires to serve people in the real world then say I can only serve by putting together an activity lesson? It was silly, trite, absurd to say that I could not do good in the world like I am now, working with children with disabilities. I feel fulfilled, content, happy. I never felt any of that serving in the church.

The church told women like me that we were selfish for desiring to work outside the home. I do not feel selfish. I could only clean my house so much. It was linear work- I never received pay, a promotion, or was told I had done a good job, let alone a pay raise. I never felt I was accomplishing anything. I could only change so many diapers, clean so much, do so many crafts. There are women who love it, enjoy it, are fulfilled by it--I just wasn't one of them.  Then, when the children were in school, I tried to have the talk with the husband about going back to work part time. No go. He would not even discuss it with me. He walked out of the room when I brought up the topic.

Each. And. Every. Time.             For five years.

I was only good for cooking his meals, cleaning his house, taking care of his needs. I had to beg for money. I had no access to the checking account balance, to the finances. I was a servant. I existed for his pleasure. He was having no change in his status.  This was going to be my future. This is Mormon heaven. Good for the men. Bad for the women.

A wasted life. That is what it is. I wasted my life trying to do what other's told me to do instead of what I wanted and desired. Sad.

Fear

I sit on the couch, surrounded by 4 men; the estranged husband and 3 church leaders. I thought that one of these men were on my side. Was I wrong. I had been struggling with what to believe about the Mormon Church.; I was having a crisis of faith. I had found out things. Terrible things and am struggling because of what I have learned. I had bishops admit to me that they do not make church callings based on being directed by the Holy Ghost as they tell everyone they do; but in fact what is easy, practical, logical, popular. I had told the estranged husband I wanted to attend some other Christian church. He told me he wouldn't follow me there. I had already decided that the Mormon Church could not be true but was keeping these thoughts to myself. I was not attending church. I was not raising my hand and sustaining these church men as my leaders. I had not renewed my temple recommend. I find out later that these men sitting in my house are not here to help me and support me through my crisis of faith, but to apply pressure. I found out later that the estranged husband has been in private communication with these men, turning them against me. Something he would continue to do with future bishops.

The one with the most power, the one who I thought was on my side, speaks. He tells me that I must submit to the husband and the bishop. I am shocked. He had previously told me that he was in my corner. I feel humiliated and horrified. I have been feeling lost and completely alone and have felt I have nowhere to turn and now the one man I thought would support me has turned on me. I tell him "No." I stand up and walk out. I am shattered. My sister once said that what others perceived as a breakdown was in fact a breakthrough. That is what this moment was for me. I got in my car and drove. I didn't know what I was going to do. My marriage was in a shambles. I didn't know where my faith was going to go from this point. I didn't have anyone to turn to; I felt I had no path to walk, I felt lost and all alone. This was the loneliest and lowest point in my life. In that car ride; I began to forge a new path. I turn around and drive back home.

Nobody likes to be forced into a corner with no options but to submit to another person's will. These men think they can use fear to get me to do what they want when love and acceptance would be the wiser choice. I decide from that moment on that I would not submit to fear; fear of losing my eternal reward (what god would have us follow him based on fear?); fear of losing my family; fear of losing everything unless I submitted to fallible men?

The definition of submit is:

sub·mit

  –verb (used with object)

1. to give over or yield to the power or authority of another.

2. to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.

3. to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit a  plan; to submit anapplication.

4. to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose (usuallyfol. by a clause): I submit  that full proof should be required.

Why is a man’s opinion, power or authority of any more value than mine? A man is as fallible as I am. Does being male make him more intelligent, his opinion, his power any better than mine?  I cannot understand submitting to another man who is as fallible as I am, who is as easily prone to mistakes as I am.  I cannot understand submitting to someone who is prone to controlling and manipulating.  We can teach each other and learn from each other, but we should not be required to submit to another.