No Change Will Happen...

After I walked away from my marriage, I went to therapy, I needed to know what I did wrong in my marriage and I needed to know how to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. In the last session, I told the counselor I was afraid to date, I didn't want to date the same type of man. He told me to ask the men what was their ownership in the failure of their relationship. If they could own part of the problem, then I could date them. If all they did was blame their ex's, they viewed themselves as victims, and when problems would arise in our relationship, they would blame me instead of being a companion in looking to coming up with a solution, compromising and looking for a win-win.

I have discovered that it has been very difficult in finding men who do not view themselves as victims. It is easy to blame the other person instead of taking ownership over problems.  As I have looked at the women who view themselves as feminists within the Mormon religion, I see much of the same victimization.

They want change, they blame the church for not embracing it, yet, all they do is complain and accept the situation they are in.  They take no ownership of their part of the problem.  They pay tithing to an organization that subjugates them, does not allow them equality or equal access to callings or money.

Why would an organization change when they are given tithing dollars each month as well as bodies in the pews that silently tell them by their presence they are going to continue to tolerate the abuse?

The women continue to serve the church through accepting the callings that allow the church to function.  What if all the women sent the men to church with children to keep quiet on their own? What if all the women stopped teaching Primary, nursery, Sunday School?  What if all the women stopped paying tithing?

Why does the church not change? Because it doesn't have a reason to.
As long as the women gripe and continue to support the church through serving and attending and paying, the church will continue as it always has.

Victims get out of it what they want; attention without any real effort to change.
If you want real change women, leave.
If you want to just complain, you are just a victim.

Cycle of Abuse

Attention, then romance...
Commitment, then love....

Tension....then accusations....

Concern...then hitting...
Police....then nothing

Communication Styles

How to communicate; lesson I
When they ask a question, give an answer or ask a question if unsure of what is asked.

lesson II
When they make a statement, listen.

lesson III
When they give an opinion, respect it.

lesson IV
When they cry, act upset, nervous, ask questions to discover why.

lesson V
When a problem arises, look for solutions.

How to create barriers, lesson I
When they ask a question, demand what they are asking or tell them they are wrong for asking a stupid question or call them names.

lesson II
When they make a statement, tell them they are wrong for making such a stupid or erroneous statement, roll your eyes.

lesson III
When they give an opinion, show contempt for their opinion and demean it, walk away, show disgust.

lesson IV
When they cry, act upset, nervous; fold your arms, turn your head away, cross your legs, walk out on them.

lesson V
When a problem arises, show anger for your partner and let them know that the problem is theirs alone to solve or blame them.

If you want to assure a divorce, the best way is negative communication styles: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-hughes/why-do-happy-newlyweds-ev_b_1269205.html?ref=divorce

Here is the best quote from the article:  "Although there were no differences in the degree of positive communication, there were notable differences in negative communication patterns. Couples who eventually divorced displayed more anger and contempt for their partners. When solving problems, they were more likely to disagree, and blame and invalidate the feelings of each other."

This was the single most defining moments in what led to my divorce.  I was tired of being marginalized, walked out on, being told that every problem was mine alone to be solved, and that my emotions didn't count.

Boundaries

I was raised in a church where, at the age of 12  and every year after that until we were married, we were pulled into a room, alone, with a middle-age man who asked very personal, invasive, private  and even voyeuristic questions.  These questions, if asked by a stranger on the street (and these men were often strangers to us) would be considered sexual harassment.  If these questions were asked by a teacher at school, the teacher would likely be suspended from their job.
*Have you ever allowed a boy to touch your breasts?
*Have you ever allowed a boy to touch your vagina?
*Have you ever allowed a boy to touch your breasts on top of your clothes?
*Have you ever allowed a boy to touch you between your legs on top of your clothes?
*Have you ever french kissed?
*Have you ever masturbated?
*Have you ever allowed a boy to penetrate you?
*With his fingers?
*With his penis?
*Have you ever had anal sex?
*Have you ever had oral sex? Have you done it on your partner or been the recipient?

These are all questions I have been asked or my children have been asked.

There are other ways the church has assisted in breaking down boundaries.  It allows the visiting teachers to ask its members personal questions about their family life, their marriages and their children.  They allow the home teachers to ask personal questions about their church attendance, weather they are reading the scriptures, having prayer, doing their church callings properly, etc.  These are all a violation of privacy and personal automony.

Then there are the tithing settlement and the temple recommend interviews each year. In other christian churches, making tithing donations is anonymous and how much is paid is between the individual person and their god.  In the mormon church, they are held accountable to the bishop yearly.  If they are not paying 10% of their income, they are not allowed to enter the temple, and it is only by their doctrine, if you do not enter the temple, you cannot make it to the mormon heaven.  You are also asked by the bishop about your underwear, if you wear the mormon underwear both day and night and having sex with only your spouse.

There are no boundaries in this church.

If I Were God

If I were God

If I were God would I...
Make one man suffer for all the wrongs and sins of others?
Create humans in my image then call them unnatural and an enemy to myself?
Create humans in a fallen state when I call them the pinnacle of my creations?
Give them emotions and then say half those emotions are evil?
Give them reason and logic and then tell them to blindly obey?
Kill my creations through floods, earthquakes and tsunami's?
Create disease, birth defects and life long pain and suffering?
Give commandments to only a portion of my people that
are a requirement to return to my presence
thus damming the rest of my creations
to hell for simply being born to the
wrong parents and wrong
country and wrong
century?