We are Glorified by Love

After I was strangled a few years ago, it was the Christian thing to say to me, 'There is a purpose for everything".  I would bristle at this and say in return, 'There is no purpose for abuse." At this, there is a pause and without fail, they would have to admit I was correct and they could think of no purpose for abuse.

This is the main reason that when I left Mormonism behind, I also left Christianity behind. Yesterday I attended the UU service. Since it was Easter Sunday, the minster discussed Jesus and the atonement and the resurrection in detail.  My anxiety was building as she was talking because I do not feel comfortable with these topics, as I do not believe in them. As she talked about Jesus' death, she said the only way we can understand his death and ultimate resurrection is if we understand it as myth...when she said this, I breathed a sigh of relief.

Yes, I can accept Jesus as a man who spoke wise words and died a normal death, then his followers turned his death into a myth because it was too painful to accept his death.

What has happened with his death since then, I cannot accept, that his followers have turned suffering into a glorious thing. This; I cannot accept:

Then this, from the Mormon church:

“A good friend, who knows whereof he speaks, has observed of trials, ‘If it’s fair, it is not a true trial!’ That is, without the added presence of some inexplicableness and some irony and injustice, the experience may not stretch us or lift us sufficiently. The crucifixion of Christ was clearly the greatest injustice in human history, but the Savior bore up under it with majesty and indescribable valor.”

—Neal A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience (1980), 31
Or this:

“Sometimes … we find that even when we do our best to serve the Lord, we still suffer. You may know someone who faces these most challenging of circumstances: consider the parent whose child becomes ill, for whom everyone prays and fasts with all their heart and soul, but who ultimately dies. Or the missionary who sacrifices to go on a mission, then develops a terrible illness that leaves him or her severely disabled or in chronic pain. … The key is to remember that faith and obedience are still the answers—even when things go wrong, perhaps especially when things go wrong.”

—David E. Sorensen, "Faith Is the Answer," Ensign, May 2005, 73

Where does this idea come from, that there is glory in suffering? From this concept that Jesus was glorified in his suffering.  If he was glorified in his suffering, then we will be, also, right? 

I reject this notion. I reject the notion that a woman who is beaten by her husband should endure in silence because her endurance will bring her glory. I reject the notion that a child who starves to death will be glorified, I reject the notion that genocide will glorify a nation, I reject the notion that pain and suffering brings glory. 
Abuse of any kind does not glorify any of us; if all abuse was abolished from the earth today, this earth would be glorified. This, I believe. 

If we look at the death of Jesus as a myth, then see that the women who attended to him loved him, we see that his life was about loving the unlovable, we see that his life was about alleviating suffering and and bringing comfort. This changes the entire story of Jesus' life to one of love and not suffering and in this way it can change the way we see our lives and society.

We are glorified by love. 

How to Avoid DV

I am a survivor-- I have survived abuse from my childhood, marriage and the strangulation of a short term relationship. The number one question people ask is why women like me go back to the abuser. I had learned by the third man to walk away, but in my 20 year marriage, I separated from him seven times; yes, seven times before I learned to walk away for good. Instead of looking at this from the woman's point of view, I want to look at it from the man's point of view....how do they get the women to stay.

How do abusive men get the women to come back to them time and again when the women suffer such abuse?

From the time we are infants, we are programmed to attach to our caregivers...our very survival depends on it. Our food, shelter and even love are dependent on our caregivers providing that for us.

Abusers are able to capitalize on this basic survival need all humans have, to bond with those who provide for our every need, our shelter, our emotional needs, our physical needs, even our very lives. They slowly take away the ability for the person to independently take care of themselves or to think they can get their needs met through family or friends.

There are four elements or conditions the abuser must control in order to make his victim his domain:
1.  A perceived threat to the victim's existence, and the victim believes the the perpetrator will carry out the threats

2. The perpetrator gives small acts of kindness to the victim...these acts of kindness may be in the form of jewelry (known as apology jewelry) telling the victim they will not hit them tonight even though dinner is burned, or taking out to dinner for a rare night out on the town.  These acts of kindness are given in the context of terror (the victim knows the perpetrator may turn on them at any moment.)

3.  The perpetrator isolates the victim. This happens over time and by several means...the victim knows that if family or friends are part of their life, their lives are also in danger; that by telling family what is going on, the victim's life is in peril, and the victim comes to believe the perpetrator has complete control over life and death.

4.  The perpetrator is able to make the victim believe they do not have the capacity to escape.

When asked victims of abuse, 'Why did you stay so long?' Most will say something like, 'I know it doesn't make sense, I just loved him.'  Yet, it is in the perpetrator's behavior that we find the answer.  The perpetrator sets up the victim through a series of constant threats followed by acts of kindness. The perpetrator will then cycle through the threats (followed by actual violence or emotional abuse) then followed by more acts of kindness.

The victim goes through cycles of having their self-esteem shredded followed by feeling loved.  This causes an imbalance of power called Trauma Bonding. This causes a hostile environment emotionally, physically and mentally, or a constant state of survival mode known as cognitive dissonance is set up to help the victim to survive.

When a person is in a trauma situation they have three options, fight, flight or freeze. The victims in these situations have learned to freeze out of fear. Fear is the number one weapon of the perpetrators.  When we are faced with fear, we often regress and the perpetrator uses this regression to his advantage and the victim is often seen as infantile, she takes her perpetrator back, and is immobilized to inaction, and becomes powerless. The perpetrator is then in the position of parent and the victim in the role of child.

It is important to know the patterns of perpetrators, so that women can recognize them early on and escape and family and friends can better understand why it is so difficult for victims to escape.

Narcissist and Stockholm syndrome

The church is perfect, the people aren't.

How many times have I heard that? How I grew to hate that each time a leader gave terrible advice, told me to submit to their will over my own intuition, or the leaders just made very bad choices.

Then there are the leaders or church members who are worse; who abuse others.  How do the members justify that? How do they justify a church who claims to make decisions based on the will of god that allows men who are abusive to have access to children?

These are three articles that have been in the new recently:

Mormon bishop attempts to lure teen

Youth leader arrested

Change in statute of limitation

I wish these three examples were just that, but this is common, as this facebook page shows:

MormonChildAbuse

There is article after article of church members who abuse children and the leaders do nothing about it. Why? In most states, it is state law for church leaders to report suspected cases of abuse. So why isn't it happening in the case of the Mormon church?

Possibly for a number of reasons:

*The Mormons do not educate their bishops, the first line of defence and who the members seek out in seeking counsel. Bishops are not educated in social work practices. Bishops are farmers, accountants and other businessmen. They are not educated in therapy; yet, members of the Mormon church are taught they receive guidance from god and put more emphasis in that than they would in a professional therapist.

*The lay church leaders do not call the local authorities first when a victim of abuse comes to them, instead, they are instructed to call a hotline in Salt Lake City. Why? I'm a mandated reporter of abuse and I am not to call a  hot line first. I find this instruction confusing.

      in 1995 The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints established a 24-hour help line and instructed its ecclesiastical leaders to call it immediately when they learn of abuse.  Mormon churches policy on abuse reporting

*Could it also be that those committing the abuse are tithe payers and the abused are not; therefore by reporting the abuse to authorities, the church loses income and gains nothing?

For a church that claims to be ran by inspiration, it seems to receive very little.

Red Flags

I'm a nice person, a caretaker. I've learned that this makes me vulnerable to people to want to take advantage of me. I've learned over the years to set boundaries, especially with women friends who want to dump all their problems on me, to only use me as their psychologist. In high school I had a friend who would only call me up when she needed me to drive her around. In romantic relationships, it's been harder to set these boundaries. I will go along to get along. This has been my undoing.

I met this guy, James (name changed to protect me). He made me laugh. I also came to learn he is a sociopath. Do you know anything about sociopaths? They are the worst sort of people. They don't care about anyone except themselves. They are very good about faking love. They observe people and James has a lifetime of observing what love looks like. I think by the time he met me, he really did want love in his life, and he wanted what I have in my life; kindness, fun, frivolity, joy....so he set about to win me over. He asked around about me, what I liked and wanted in a man. He friended me on facebook and devoured all he read about me; and became what I wanted.

But it was fake, because at his core, he was who he was and he didn't change his core, he couldn't because sociopaths aren't capable of feeling love, only contempt and anger. He was able to fool me for a year, however. I fell in love. We moved in together. His true self came out when he wasn't able to hide it any longer. He began by making false accusations of infidelity against me (was he having an affair? Most likely). He began to try to cause problems between his daughter and me by accusing me of not being a good Mom to his daughter (I wasn't a Mom to his daughter, she had a Mom, I wasn't her Mom--something I kept pointing out to him). He began to chase me, to grab me, to prevent me from leaving.

Then, one night when he was drinking a lot, he strangled me. He pled down from a felony to a misdemeanor.

A good friend who has supported me through all this called me this week to offer to return a prized piece of ceramic that I gave her when James and I moved in together that I had given her. You see, James told me that I could not keep it, that it was a religious piece and since we were both non-religious, he was not going to have that in his house. What I didn't realize was that this is a red flag of an abuser; they do not value your possessions and they give them away...this was even worse, because he was insisting that I give my own things away.

My dear friend, giving me back something so dear to me, brought back memories. It reminded me of red flags that I had ignored in the relationship. I don't want other women to ignore these red flags. Why did I ignore them? Because I was raised to be that nice girl. I wanted to go along to get along, so I gave away something that was very special to me in order to get along. I was raised to be nice, to not rock the boat. I was taught to turn the other cheek. I was raised in a patriarchal society where I was taught the men have the last say, and to submit to men's authority. We are taught that boys will be boys, and, to tolerate men when they act like assholes. The book, How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before you Get Involved has helped me understand red flags, unfortunately after the fact.

James also gave away a mini-fridge, my lawn mower and many of my other possessions. When he came to get his possessions, he even stole things of mine, including some of my artwork as well as some original artwork that my daughter made for me. He drank too much and did illegal drugs. He rushed the relationship.

At one point, when we were buying this house, James had his friend, a realtor, come to me and ask me to hand over my bank information to James. I couldn't believe it! I said no way in hell was I going to do that! I knew right away that that was a red flag. In fact, I began at that moment to look for a house that I could buy on my own, without James. Why, then, did I stay? Why didn't I walk away? Because I'm a nice girl.  Nice girls forgive. Nice girls turn the other cheek and overlook men's asshole behavior.

I stayed, and for staying, I got strangled and am in the process of losing my home and all the money I invested in it. My credit is ruined.

STOP being nice girls, women. Walk away. Walk away as soon as you see red flags. Be your own advocate.

The Book of James

James was a lonely man. Oh, he had a good job. He wrote computer code, he had job security, benefits, a retirement fund. He also lived alone. He didn't want to be lonely. He tried on-line dating, but the women he tried to talk with would eventually tire of him and stop communicating with him. He rode the bus to work and nobody talked with him. When he got to work, nobody talked to him or went to lunch with him. He was getting desperate to make friends.

His manager at work encouraged him to use the counseling service provided through the company. It didn't cost any money, so James decided to try it. At his first session, he was a bit uncomfortable, but the therapist was nice enough, so he shared a little information about himself. At the second session, he decided to share more information. He told the therapist about his abusive childhood and how his dad would yell at him and hit him. The therapist was a good listener. At the next session, James shared how the bus driver snapped at him and nobody at the office talked with him.

He was looking forward to the next session to tell the therapist how the whole world was against him. He showed up to the next session and his therapist had made him cookies. He put them aside as he launched into his tales of how the whole world had treated him terrible all week. The therapist listened for a few minutes then asked him if there was any kind words or deeds done to him all week. He quickly said no as he went on to ruminate the terrible things done to him.  Again, the therapist stopped him to ask him if he was sure no kind thing was done to him all week. He didn't even think on it as he said no. She asked him about the cookies, ‘ Aren't they a kind thing? You didn't even say thank you for them.’

He stopped his thoughts as he contemplated what she said. This was a kind thing and it hadn't even occurred to him. He had to then wonder if any other kind things had happened to him that he had over looked. The therapist asked him to change his perspective during the week, and instead of focusing on the negative that happened, to instead focus on the positive. She encouraged him to write down one positive thing a day that someone said or did to him.

James learned that by changing his perspective, he could change his life.

Cycle of Abuse

Attention, then romance...
Commitment, then love....

Tension....then accusations....

Concern...then hitting...
Police....then nothing

Is there good in divorce?

I have been divorced a number of years. I am over the pain and anger. When I read articles like the one I just read, I do not get angry, but I worry about people who believe it and decide to stay rather than find sanctuary in divorce, like I did.

Leaving an abusive marriage is the single best decision I made.  I would occasionally tell a friend how unhappy I was in my marriage. I would not tell everything, just enough to let it be known my marriage was failing.  Inevitably the advice I received back then was that I needed to submit more, love more, sacrifice more for my man.

I would take this advice to heart, only to be more miserable, more unhappy, more unfulfilled.  I would forgive, I would love, I would turn the other cheek. None of the common advice works when the spouse is determined to abuse. This I have learned by sad experience: often the best choice is to leave; sooner than later.

This is some of the worst advice EVER! Please, people before you give lame advice, make sure you know all the circumstances.  Make sure you know if the person is being abused. Please avoid judging and condemning.

Sometimes, it is better to leave than to stay.

Worst ever:  http://lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng
 

Not Good for Females

I have repeatedly said that one of the main reasons I left the morg is because it is not a good place for women.

I have given my personal story of how I have been harmed by misogynistic leadership.  I have heard so many women who have shared similar storied to mine.  The pat answer I get back is that *the church is perfect, the leadership is not*. This is so completely lame, it doesn't deem a response. However, since I hear it so often, I will respond.

If the church were indeed receiving guidance from god, then it would not be making poor choices, repeatedly, that harm a large group of people over a long period of time.

If the church were indeed receiving guidance from god, then its leadership would be making choices that were god-like, not human-like.

If the church were indeed receiving guidance from god, then its choices would reflect equality, love and acceptance, not judgement, condemnation and subjugation.

People would not be leaving in droves due to pain and disillusion.

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/52448399-78/moon-church-abuse-report.html.csp

The trouble with Polygamy

As Warren Jeffs is in the news of late, I can't help but wonder the uncomfortable feelings that are being felt by so many of my former friends who are mormon.  I remember so many discussions we had, that often got heated and ended in arguments and hurt feelings as polygamy is still a difficult topic for most mormon people, especially the women.

As it ought to be.  Although the church has banned the practice, it is still written as doctrine in their approved scripture in

 D&C 321:  1 Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you my servant Joseph, that inasmuch as you have inquired of my hand to know and understand wherein I, the Lord, justified my servants Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, as also Moses, David and Solomon, my servants, as touching the principle and doctrine of their having many ^awivesand ^bconcubines—3 Therefore, ^aprepare thy heart to receive and ^bobey the instructions which I am about to give unto you; for all those who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same. 4 For behold, I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting^acovenant; and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye ^bdamned; for no one can ^creject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory.

Even though the church claims to believe in marriage only between one man and one woman, it is written into their doctrine that no one can enter their version of the highest heaven, the celestial kingdom, unless they practice plural marriage.

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/52371806-78/smith-says-women-wives.html.csp?page=1

This article in the Salt Lake Tribune does an excellent job comparing Joseph Smith to Warren Jeffs.  I hope my mormon family and friends will have an open mind enough to read it.

As I have left the church, I am of course, no longer conflicted about polygamy, since I do not believe I will be forced to practice it.  We were always told we would accept it. But how could we, when our kind, loving hearts rejected the thoughts of our husbands having sex with multiple women now?  Leaving us and being emotionally tied to many other women? Physically and emotionally abandoning us to be with others?  If we can't accept it here and now, it isn't going to be possible to accept it in another realm.  This is reality, cognitive dissonance.


http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/52412444-78/polygamy-mormon-hudson-lds.html.csp?page=1

A Wasted Life

I tried to be the Mormon that was expected of me. I just cleaned out a 4-drawer filing cabinet full of files from F.A.R.M.'s articles, lessons I taught from 20 years as a gospel doctrine teacher; ideas as an activities leader, and 100 family home evening lesson that I spent one year and several hundred dollars putting together.

I accepted every calling that was asked of me. I was a stay at home mother for 15 years despite the fact that it was against my personality and I resented being it. I was a square peg in a round hole. There was only one way to be a Mormon woman. It was okay for the husband to neglect me, to abuse me. It was not okay for me to walk away.  When I began to openly question if this was really God's plan for me, I realized that a loving God would not require me to suffer such abuse. That He would not require only one way to live. Why would a loving God make me have desires to serve people in the real world then say I can only serve by putting together an activity lesson? It was silly, trite, absurd to say that I could not do good in the world like I am now, working with children with disabilities. I feel fulfilled, content, happy. I never felt any of that serving in the church.

The church told women like me that we were selfish for desiring to work outside the home. I do not feel selfish. I could only clean my house so much. It was linear work- I never received pay, a promotion, or was told I had done a good job, let alone a pay raise. I never felt I was accomplishing anything. I could only change so many diapers, clean so much, do so many crafts. There are women who love it, enjoy it, are fulfilled by it--I just wasn't one of them.  Then, when the children were in school, I tried to have the talk with the husband about going back to work part time. No go. He would not even discuss it with me. He walked out of the room when I brought up the topic.

Each. And. Every. Time.             For five years.

I was only good for cooking his meals, cleaning his house, taking care of his needs. I had to beg for money. I had no access to the checking account balance, to the finances. I was a servant. I existed for his pleasure. He was having no change in his status.  This was going to be my future. This is Mormon heaven. Good for the men. Bad for the women.

A wasted life. That is what it is. I wasted my life trying to do what other's told me to do instead of what I wanted and desired. Sad.

Fear

I sit on the couch, surrounded by 4 men; the estranged husband and 3 church leaders. I thought that one of these men were on my side. Was I wrong. I had been struggling with what to believe about the Mormon Church.; I was having a crisis of faith. I had found out things. Terrible things and am struggling because of what I have learned. I had bishops admit to me that they do not make church callings based on being directed by the Holy Ghost as they tell everyone they do; but in fact what is easy, practical, logical, popular. I had told the estranged husband I wanted to attend some other Christian church. He told me he wouldn't follow me there. I had already decided that the Mormon Church could not be true but was keeping these thoughts to myself. I was not attending church. I was not raising my hand and sustaining these church men as my leaders. I had not renewed my temple recommend. I find out later that these men sitting in my house are not here to help me and support me through my crisis of faith, but to apply pressure. I found out later that the estranged husband has been in private communication with these men, turning them against me. Something he would continue to do with future bishops.

The one with the most power, the one who I thought was on my side, speaks. He tells me that I must submit to the husband and the bishop. I am shocked. He had previously told me that he was in my corner. I feel humiliated and horrified. I have been feeling lost and completely alone and have felt I have nowhere to turn and now the one man I thought would support me has turned on me. I tell him "No." I stand up and walk out. I am shattered. My sister once said that what others perceived as a breakdown was in fact a breakthrough. That is what this moment was for me. I got in my car and drove. I didn't know what I was going to do. My marriage was in a shambles. I didn't know where my faith was going to go from this point. I didn't have anyone to turn to; I felt I had no path to walk, I felt lost and all alone. This was the loneliest and lowest point in my life. In that car ride; I began to forge a new path. I turn around and drive back home.

Nobody likes to be forced into a corner with no options but to submit to another person's will. These men think they can use fear to get me to do what they want when love and acceptance would be the wiser choice. I decide from that moment on that I would not submit to fear; fear of losing my eternal reward (what god would have us follow him based on fear?); fear of losing my family; fear of losing everything unless I submitted to fallible men?

The definition of submit is:

sub·mit

  –verb (used with object)

1. to give over or yield to the power or authority of another.

2. to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.

3. to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit a  plan; to submit anapplication.

4. to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose (usuallyfol. by a clause): I submit  that full proof should be required.

Why is a man’s opinion, power or authority of any more value than mine? A man is as fallible as I am. Does being male make him more intelligent, his opinion, his power any better than mine?  I cannot understand submitting to another man who is as fallible as I am, who is as easily prone to mistakes as I am.  I cannot understand submitting to someone who is prone to controlling and manipulating.  We can teach each other and learn from each other, but we should not be required to submit to another.

Win-Lose

Everyone likes to win. In a bike race there can be only one winner. Even a second place winner is the loser. In relationships, however, there should not be winners and losers.  When two people do not see the problem the same, they argue, disagree, discuss, but hopefully they compromise, see the other  persons point of view, give and take, but there should not be winners and losers.

The best possible outcome is that both people win. Let’s say that the woman has been doing the dishes every night for a month and is tired and wants help. She sits down with the man and says she needs help, that it is one-sided. If he yells, says it is her problem, that he is NOT going to help, then they are in a win-lose situation. If they come to a settlement where she walks out and refuses to do dishes for the next month then they are in a lose-win situation. If they decide that the dishes will stack up for a week and then they will both do them they have come to a compromise. If they decide that they will both work together to do the dishes each night together and they will then get extra time to relax or have couple time then they are in a win-win situation.

Each time a situation like this came up in my marriage, I was put in a win-lose situation. The husband would yell at me, telling me it was my problem alone, I had to come up with the solution on my own and would then walk out on me.  He would not be part of any solution. He would not help with anything around the house, would not be part of a team effort, and would not help me with housework, with the children, with anything. I was always by myself in the marriage. He won by default.

I lost.

Push-me Pull-you

This is the one thing in my marriage I ruminated on the most that I could not deal with and begged the husband to change. I realize now that this is what he thrived on and kept him going since it kept the drama alive, reminding him of his childhood. Although children of dysfunctional homes will tell you they want to escape it; this is what feels comfortable to them, this is what they know, and unless they actively change what they know, they seek what is comfortable to them, they create patterns of familiarity.

 We would be going on; being happy, then he would begin to pull away from me emotionally. He would refuse to call me from work. Then he would be late coming home without a phone call. Then he would refuse to spend time with me and the kids after dinner. Then he would refuse to go to bed until after I was already asleep. This pattern would repeat itself until I would do something; try and talk to him, complain, write him a letter, cry. Then he would tell me I was too emotional, too needy, too something; I was the one expecting too much.

This was the game; the push-me pull-you game. Push-me away, pull you closer once you create some sort of drama about it. He would then do something to placate me, but only temporarily. There would be peace in our relationship for a time, and then the cycle would repeat itself. The cycle of him pushing away emotionally became longer and longer.

 It is a game a person plays who tries to manipulate the emotions of others. The game a person plays that is emotionally abusive. The game a person plays who doesn’t know how to take responsibility for their own behavior.

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/