We are Glorified by Love

After I was strangled a few years ago, it was the Christian thing to say to me, 'There is a purpose for everything".  I would bristle at this and say in return, 'There is no purpose for abuse." At this, there is a pause and without fail, they would have to admit I was correct and they could think of no purpose for abuse.

This is the main reason that when I left Mormonism behind, I also left Christianity behind. Yesterday I attended the UU service. Since it was Easter Sunday, the minster discussed Jesus and the atonement and the resurrection in detail.  My anxiety was building as she was talking because I do not feel comfortable with these topics, as I do not believe in them. As she talked about Jesus' death, she said the only way we can understand his death and ultimate resurrection is if we understand it as myth...when she said this, I breathed a sigh of relief.

Yes, I can accept Jesus as a man who spoke wise words and died a normal death, then his followers turned his death into a myth because it was too painful to accept his death.

What has happened with his death since then, I cannot accept, that his followers have turned suffering into a glorious thing. This; I cannot accept:

Then this, from the Mormon church:

“A good friend, who knows whereof he speaks, has observed of trials, ‘If it’s fair, it is not a true trial!’ That is, without the added presence of some inexplicableness and some irony and injustice, the experience may not stretch us or lift us sufficiently. The crucifixion of Christ was clearly the greatest injustice in human history, but the Savior bore up under it with majesty and indescribable valor.”

—Neal A. Maxwell, All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience (1980), 31
Or this:

“Sometimes … we find that even when we do our best to serve the Lord, we still suffer. You may know someone who faces these most challenging of circumstances: consider the parent whose child becomes ill, for whom everyone prays and fasts with all their heart and soul, but who ultimately dies. Or the missionary who sacrifices to go on a mission, then develops a terrible illness that leaves him or her severely disabled or in chronic pain. … The key is to remember that faith and obedience are still the answers—even when things go wrong, perhaps especially when things go wrong.”

—David E. Sorensen, "Faith Is the Answer," Ensign, May 2005, 73

Where does this idea come from, that there is glory in suffering? From this concept that Jesus was glorified in his suffering.  If he was glorified in his suffering, then we will be, also, right? 

I reject this notion. I reject the notion that a woman who is beaten by her husband should endure in silence because her endurance will bring her glory. I reject the notion that a child who starves to death will be glorified, I reject the notion that genocide will glorify a nation, I reject the notion that pain and suffering brings glory. 
Abuse of any kind does not glorify any of us; if all abuse was abolished from the earth today, this earth would be glorified. This, I believe. 

If we look at the death of Jesus as a myth, then see that the women who attended to him loved him, we see that his life was about loving the unlovable, we see that his life was about alleviating suffering and and bringing comfort. This changes the entire story of Jesus' life to one of love and not suffering and in this way it can change the way we see our lives and society.

We are glorified by love. 

Judged for Character

I've been reading and commenting on several of my friend's posts lately. There is the, 'Wear Pants to Church' thread where men and women think that God is better served in dresses and suits rather than pants or casual dress. There's the man who posted he was off to the temple so he could reap blessings from heaven.

I am reminded of the requirements to get into the temple. People are required to attend church regularly, pay their tithing, sustain church leaders...all outward obedience, very Pharisaical. The Mormons believe that in order to gain enterance into heaven, they must first gain enterance into the temple. There are no questions asking them if they serve their fellow humans, if they have love in their heart for their family, if they serve with sacrifice and love, if they are kind, if they practice patience and forgiveness.

As I read so many similar posts, I am reminded of my own family, who could not allow themselves to stay at my home when they came in from out of town for my Mom's funeral because they consider me a sinner because I drink coffee and drink alcohol and evidently sin is contagious. We wouldn't want my sin to rub off on them, now, would we? I wonder what Jesus would do?

I am reminded of the many years I read the New Testament,

     Mathew23 Then spake Jesus to the multitude, and to his disciples,

2 Saying The scribes and the Pharisees sit in Moses' seat:

3 All therefore whatsoever they bid you observe, that observe and do; but do not ye after their works: for they say, and do not.

The Pharisees were expert at looking like they were experts in righteousness, in following god, but they only wanted to their works to gain them glory, power, to be seen of men and praised of men.

11 But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.

12 And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.

I think of my wonderful children. I have one daughter who just accepted a job working for a non-profit organization that will assist the United States voters in making better informed decisions about  the voting process. I think about my other daughter who is an advocate for rape victims and for women rights, how she wants to open safe houses one day for runaways and teens in trouble. My daughters also have tattoos and piercings. 

23 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone.

27 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness.

I think of the Mormons that feel they must dress up for church, to look good for their god, to attend the temple to get blessings from god, but avoid real service in soup kitchens to the homeless, avoid their family members who have left the mormon church because they consider them sinners, won't go with their co-workers out to bars, to avoid the appearance of evil, yet they are missing out on loving and learning opportunities.

I have to wonder why it is more important what I drink rather than if I am a kind person.
I have to wonder why it is more important what I wear to church rather than how I treat people.
I have to wonder why it is more important what i put on my body rather than if I love my fellow beings.
I have to wonder...

I wish I could be judged for my character rather than artificial standards of worthiness.

I love this lady's blog: Love and Character

As the Pharisees

I remember so many lessons in church about the Pharisees. They were the leaders in Jesus' time and were very concerned about the outward display of propriety.  They would help the poor, but only when their charitable works were seen of others. They made sure their Sunday piety was seen by others when they fasted, they made sure others saw their drawn out faces and the hunger pains on their faces. They made sure others saw them attend to the strict Sunday observances.

I have to wonder how little things have changed. People in the mormon church are still judged by their outward appearance rather than by the content of their heart. I know many people who have chosen to stop believing in the mormon church, yet they are still wonderful fathers and mothers, wives and husbands. Yet they are accused of not being good people simply because they do not believe in a particular religion. This is very perplexing to me.

They are judged by an outward show of behavior, of whether they drink coffee or alcohol, or if they stop wearing garments, if they choose to have sex outside of marriage.  These behaviors do not define them as a person or determine whether they are a good parent, how much they love their kids, how well they provide for their family, how kind they are to others, how compassionate they are. Yet, these outward displays are easy for others to see and judge them.

It is as the pharisees, an outward display of piety, yet it does not define a person's goodness or moral character. A person can be very good at wearing garments, of attending church, of paying tithing and not drinking coffee and tea; yet they can also cheat their neighbors in business and neglect their children and verbally abuse their spouse in private. Does this make the person a good person; just because they have the outward appearance of piety?

I purpose that a person's moral character is defined not by the outward displays of whether a person wears garments or drinks coffee or alcohol or even attends church, but by the content of their heart. I purpose that a person's moral character is defined by their kindness, their love, their acceptance of people who disagree with them and are different than them.

Just the musings of someone who is rejected by pharisees.

The Human Condition

It's late, I'm tired, but my heart can't let me sleep.

Behavior.

 There is some behavior that is unacceptable. When someone harms or abuses another person, we have the right to say *no*, that is not okay to treat people that way and that person is not welcome in our lives.

Then there is behavior that alienates us, isolates us, is rude, or impolite, but is short of abuse. We also have the right to set boundaries around this behavior. We have the right to be assertive and say we want the behavior to change. The other person can then choose to change the behavior or not, it is their choice. It they choose to not change the behavior, we can choose to tolerate it or ignore it or we can choose to not have that person in our life at all or on a diminished capacity.

I have been having discussions about two topics lately. One has been on ending discrimination of marriage equality to gays and the other one is accepting people who disagree with us.

I have learned that who we have sex with does not harm or abuse another person. As long as it is between consenting adults, it also does not fall into the category of being rude or impolite to others. Why, then, are so many people so vehemently opposed to it? Yet, many believe it is their business and feel as though they can judge and condemn and shame.

I believe the answer is also closely tied to the second topic. I have been working within a support group to heal wounded feelings between two people. It has been difficult to help one person understand that he has been holding a grudge over a small slight, and he needs to let it go and seek forgiveness. He holds tight to Christian beliefs, yet he cannot see he is not being forgiving or understanding, instead he is being judgmental, hypocritical and hateful.

When a person holds strongly held beliefs and they feel those beliefs are being threatened, they feel they personally are being threatened, or rejected, when if fact, it is their beliefs that are being criticized. They are not able to distinguish between their belief system and themselves. In their view, they are one and the same. When someone is critical of their beliefs, they perceive they are personally being criticized. Here is a video that explains it better than I can:         Emotional reaction to rejection

With my first experience of reaching out to my family and friends who reject the idea of ending discrimination of allowing equality to gays, I had some success with at least one family member over this facebook post:       Love and Acceptance

With my Christian friend, I have been working with him to understand that no matter how much he truly feels he was offended, he must forgive and move beyond his hurt feelings. After weeks of working with him, he messaged me tonight and said he was ready to forgive and move on.

I have believed in the capacity to change, because I have changed, yet I see it so infrequently in others.

Tonight, my heart is full of love. Love for human kind for not failing me in a time that I need to believe in love and the human condition to change for the better.

Love the Person, Hate the Discrimination

With the Supreme Court hearing two cases on marriage and rights for gays, many of us who support ending discrimination chose to show our support by posting a red equality sign as our avatar on facebook. What I didn't expect was the back lash from family who are opposed to ending discrimination.

I was surprised by this, as I expected silence at most, some support at best, not outright opposition. Many of the opposition is couched in, 'love the sinner, hate the sin' or 'being gay is a lifestyle choice, therefore I oppose the lifestyle but love the person'. It is all the same to me, it is discrimination. Any time any privileges, power or money is with held from a group of people, it is discrimination. I have to ask, 'how does being gay harm anyone? If it is so wrong, why is it so prevalent in the animal kingdom? Is it possible to look at sexuality as more than procreation in both humans and animals?

First, the scientific evidence that sexual orientation is not a lifestyle, if it was then heterosexuals would also be making a choice.  BYU professor Bill Bradshaw of the Department of Microbiology and Molecular Biology has done extensive research in this area and this is what he has to say: sexual orientation is not a lifestyle choice

Hormones and steroids that an embryo is exposed to inutero; genes, play a role in sexual orientation. Target cells, molecules, cortisone, all play a role in sexual orientation. The processes are complicated and different for males and females. There are continuums as well, from hetro-to intersex to homosexual behavior in people as well as animals: intersex

Second, what about the animal kingdom? Homosexual and bisexual behavior is widespread within the animal kingdom.  Here is a link to some of the animals that engage in homosexual behavior: animals

Third, if sexual behavior is only for reproduction, then why would animals engage in non-reproductive sexual behavior of  a heterosexual,  homosexual, or bisexual nature? (I am going to assume that non-reproductive sexual activity is accepted in humans) Could the answer be the same in the animal kingdom as it is in the human kingdom?  Many studies suggest that such behavior enhances their social standing, sexual behavior is enjoyable, to resolve conflicts, to establish life long bonds, for sexual gratification, or for domination.
nationalgeographic             wide spread in animal kindgom          livescience      nbcnews

over 1,500 animal species observed

I understand confirmation bias, that people have been told their entire religious life that god says it has to be only one way and people look for information to support their beliefs.

When I was in college taking social work classes, one of my professors had several students talk to us about their personal experiences of being gay. It was profound. They spoke of their families shunning them, of people discriminating against them. Of people saying such things to them as, 'you are a sinner' or 'you chose to be that way, you can choose different'.  I was experiencing cognitive dissonance and after class I asked the teacher for her time and said that I was confused because I had never questioned my sexual orientation. She looked at me and all she said was, 'exactly'.

Does being gay harm people? The answer to this is no. It does challenge people's belief systems. This is the

core of the problem, is it not? That people's belief system that they have been taught through their families and religions are being challenged.

If a person's behavior is abusive to others, then that behavior should be expected to be changed or that person can not be allowed in my life. If a person's behavior just annoys me, I can ask them to change that behavior or ignore it if they choose to not change it.

Someone's sexual orientation does not fit into either of these categories, anymore than being heterosexual. It is nobody's business. Currently, there are laws that discriminate against them. I support ending this discrimination because sexual orientation does not harm people.

Love does not harm.







 

Mantras to Live By

Here are some mantas that I can live by:

*What you do speaks so loud I cannot hear what you say. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The more life experiences I have, the more I realize that it is people's behaviors that speak for them, and not their words.

*There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting isn't with you, it is with themselves. ~ Anonymous

I have also learned that people's emotions are also about themselves, not me. There are people who always drive with road rage. (I'm not talking about those of us who get upset with the guy who cuts us off, or drives 20 miles under the speed limit when we are late, it is normal for us to upset by these things. I'm talking about the person who flips off every driver, who roles down his window to yell at any driver, who gets out of his car at red lights to scream at drivers, and even bumps other cars and chases other drivers on a regular bases.) There are people who keep their rage just under their skin; who wait until they are drunk and then yell at the wait staff, or bring up petty arguments with family members, or complain about spilled food on counters and other minor things. They are always pointing out small imperfections of those around them. The never see their own minor imperfections but always those in others and create drama and conflict by pointing them out.

*It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

This is what growing up is all about... plus taking responsibility for yourself. For many women, they are looking for others to save them. This isn't a disney movie. Women need to save themselves. For many men, they are looking for someone to blame. They need to take ownership of their problems. When people have the courage to grow up, they can become who they were meant to be.

*You are not powerless.

Even when the entire universe conspires against you; you still have the choice to think freely. That is the greatest power of all.

*Is fat really the worst thing a human being can be? Is fat worse than vindictive, shallow, jealous, vain, boring, evil, or cruel? ~J.K. Rowling

And might I add, violence, war, poverty?

*People don't always need advice. Sometimes all they really need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand them.

*If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten we belong to each other. ~Mother Theresa

*Do no harm, but take no shit.

*Never ruin an apology with an excuse. ~Abraham Lincoln

*Most relationships fail because we spend too much time pointing out each other's mistakes and not enough time enjoying each other's company. ~

True dat~

*Girls don't dress for boys. They dress for themselves, and of course, each other. If girls dressed for boys, they'd just walk around naked at all times. ~Betty Johnson

No other explanation necessary...

And of course, communication styles:

Just Be

I ask the universe, "What do you want of me?'
It remains silent.

I ask my career, 'What do you want of me?'
It answers back, 'to do your best for the least amount of return.'

I ask my children, 'What do you want of me?'
They answer back, 'To be loved to the end of the universe and back.'

I ask myself, 'What do you want of me?'
I answer back, 'To just be.'

Respect vs Love

In a relationship, is it more important to have respect or love?

Respect: esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability.

Love:a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.  sexual passion or desire.

Do men seek out respect over love in a relationship? Do women seek out love over respect in a relationship?

Love

Alone
thinking

Warm inside
Wind blowing

Sunset

Comforting colors                                     

Chilly
Blanket closer

Music
Softly playing

Soft
Feel safe

Love
Just me

Not Good for Men

As I'm being told for the hundredth time, "Why are you so emotional, why can't you be less emotional?" When I ask him why he doesn't show any emotion, he tells me that I show enough for both of us.   I decide to try an experiment. Since I want the husband to be more emotional (why can't he express any love toward me? Why can't he show sadness, or excitement, or even happiness when he watches the kids have fun? Anything except anger at me for always being the wrong type person--like now for being too emotional?) I am going to show as little emotion as possible for a year to see if me being less emotional will make him be more emotional.

For a year, I don't get excited, I don't get angry, I don't get sad--nothing.  Literally nothing; not from me or from him. My experiment failed, it didn't make him more emotional by me being less emotional. Why?

The roles people are assigned:

I have written a number of blogs about why the church is not good for women.  The church is also not good for men. The church has assigned women the role of being nurturers.  The women are assigned the role of loving and caring for the family and society.  They are given permission to be emotional; they are allowed to love, to care, to be sad, happy, to cry. I can play with my children, hold them, cuddle with them. I can laugh with the husband, hug him, and love him with my whole being.

The husband has been assigned the role of provider.  He is allowed to work, provide shelter and be an authority figure. By being assigned this role and denied the role of caretaker, he is not allowed to love or show emotion. Why? This would be beneath him. He is not allowed to partake in this role as a man.

This is how it is in a patriarchal hierarchy.  God/church is above man. Man is above women.  Man is to preside over women just as God/church presides over man. Man is to preside and lead and provide.  Women are to submit and nurture.  If men nurture, they are not fulfilling their role, as that role has been assigned to women. It is beneath them.  Men are just as much devalued in this system as women are.

Men are not given permission to emotionally attach to women.  They are not given permission to emotionally attach to their children.  They are not allowed to love, to cry, to care, to show compassion.

When the marriage was in utter chaos, I insisted he see a counselor. He chose a mormon counselor.  After the first session with him, the counselor asked to meet with me. He said, "You women send your men to me to fix them. What is it you want me to fix?" I told him right then that the marriage would end in divorce.  He didn't get it because he was raised in the very system that messed up the husband.  The husband was doing exactly what he was assigned to do, after all; he was providing and presiding. What more did I expect out of him?

I expected him to love me, to care for me, at have an emotional connection with me.  The counselor didn't get this because that was not his role to do those things. I was unhappy not being loved and cared for. I needed  these in the marriage.

Men are repressed. They, too can break out of the mold.

Worth

I am worthy of love.

Not Good for Females

I have repeatedly said that one of the main reasons I left the morg is because it is not a good place for women.

I have given my personal story of how I have been harmed by misogynistic leadership.  I have heard so many women who have shared similar storied to mine.  The pat answer I get back is that *the church is perfect, the leadership is not*. This is so completely lame, it doesn't deem a response. However, since I hear it so often, I will respond.

If the church were indeed receiving guidance from god, then it would not be making poor choices, repeatedly, that harm a large group of people over a long period of time.

If the church were indeed receiving guidance from god, then its leadership would be making choices that were god-like, not human-like.

If the church were indeed receiving guidance from god, then its choices would reflect equality, love and acceptance, not judgement, condemnation and subjugation.

People would not be leaving in droves due to pain and disillusion.

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/52448399-78/moon-church-abuse-report.html.csp