Saturday, February 23, 2013


A spectrum is any entity that has common elements, but vary in their features.  Light waves exist on a spectrum, as do sound waves.

Some social features also exist on spectrums.  Autism is one of these. People with Autism have similar characteristics, but vary in how these features present themselves. For example, they all have difficulty communicating, but one person can have verbal skills that look like any other person's verbal skills, but they have difficulty expressing themselves when they are frustrated, angry or confused. Another person may have no verbal skills at all.

Many skills or social issues present themselves along spectrums. Sexuality for many people is thought of as a black and white issue, but for scientists, it is along a spectrum. People may fantasize about the opposite sex, or be bi-sexual, gay, androgynous, or an Aphrodite. Healthy spectrums include a variety of sexual origins and not just two.

Attachment is another issue along the spectrum.  When we are children, we are very attached to our parents and family of origin, but a healthy child will grow up and detach from them. If a healthy detachment is made, there will still be a connection there (provided that the family of origin is not too dysfunctional) but the adult will be able to forge their own way in life without the family of origin continuing to control finances, relationships, emotions or other similar issues.

The adult child should make decisions on their own, free of interference. If advice is needed, the adult child should feel comfortable seeking advice, but if the advice is rejected a healthy family of origin will not feel rejected.  If an adult child is too detached,  it is often due being shunned because they chose a different religion, a different career or other choices the family of origin didn't agree with or because the family of origin was dysfunctional and the adult child is distancing themselves in order to make healthier choices. If the family of origin attempts to control the adult child through money, emotions or relationships, then a healthy detachment is more difficult to make.

When in relationships, spending time together is also along a spectrum.  Before being in a relationship, people have their own friends. Many couples are able to maintain those friendships, but some couples enmesh so completely, they lose the connection they have with their former friends. Having separate activities and friendships outside of being a couple is also along a continuum. It is often healthier for the relationship to maintain other interests and friendships. It gives the couple something to talk about when they are together, it helps build trust when they trust each other to spend time with others. Too much time with others may lead to neglecting the relationship and the one or both of the couple may feel neglected.

People will often learn throughout their lifetimes. Some people are not open to new ideas. Some people put up defenses to new experiences, new ideas. Some people are open to change, others are rigid and resist change.

Emotions are neutral, they are neither good or bad. Emotions tell help us interpret experiences and aid us in bonding with people and animals. The emotions of guilt and shame help us to know when we have done something to hurt another person or animal, for instance. When we have brought harm to someone, we feel guilt or shame.  These emotions can be manipulated by others, however, and taken to the extreme where we feel guilty or shame for minor things, such as kissing, holding hands, or saying silly things. On the other end of the spectrum, someone who doesn't feel any guilt or shame when they hurt someone is known as a sociopath.

How about you? Where are you along the spectrums?

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Just Be

I ask the universe, "What do you want of me?'
It remains silent.

I ask my career, 'What do you want of me?'
It answers back, 'to do your best for the least amount of return.'

I ask my children, 'What do you want of me?'
They answer back, 'To be loved to the end of the universe and back.'

I ask myself, 'What do you want of me?'
I answer back, 'To just be.'

Saturday, February 16, 2013


About 2 years ago I discovered the book, 'The Four Agreements'. It changed my life. It had such a profound impact on me, I even wrote the second agreement on my mirror so that I would be reminded of it each morning.

According to the author, Don Miguel Ruiz, the information contained in the book is based on ancient Toltec wisdom which he learned growing up in Mexico from his faith healing mother and his Shaman father. Here is a link to an overview of Don Miguel Ruiz and his seminars and his books, The Four Agreements

These are the four agreements we should make with ourselves:

1.  Be impeccable with your word:
Say what you mean and speak with integrity.  Use the power of your words to speak with love and understanding and empathy.

2. Don't take anything personally:
Nothing that others do is because of you. Others project their own dreams and their own reality. When you are immune from the actions and opinions of others, you save yourself from needless suffering. When someone criticizes you, it is because of their own perceived views.  When someone complements you, it is also because of their own projections of beauty.

3.  Don't make assumptions:
Ask questions and express what you want. This takes courage and makes you vulnerable, take the leap, as this avoids misunderstanding and drama. You can transform your life.

4. Always do your best:
Your best may change from moment to moment, day to day.  Your best may change depending on whether you are healthy or sick. By always doing your best, you avoid self-judgement and regret.

I have learned to stop putting so much emphasis on what other people say to me or how people treat me. I have learned that when a driver flips me off, they must be having a hard day and it doesn't have anything to do with me. I have learned that when the waitress is rude to me, the customer before me was likely rude to her and she is now taking it out on me. I have learned that when I say I will be somewhere, I need to be there or call instead of just not show up, because my word is my bond.

I have learned to ask questions when I don't understand. I have learned that it is okay to not feel as though I am supposed to know how people think or feel or behave, but it is better ask than assume I know. I have learned that when my day has gone very badly, my best is very different than when my day is going well, and it is okay to go home, drink a cup of tea and put my feet up, because my best for that day has been spent and I am done. It is okay to acknowledge that. When I am having a good day, I expect more out of myself.

Emotional Honesty

Is it just men, or are women just as bad? I need to know.

The past few months have been excruciating, exhausting, numbing, life changing. Yet, I am attempting to move beyond the events that have forever changed me. I am listening to my girlfriend's advice and taking each day slow. I am listening to my soul. I am healing. Very, very slowly, I am healing.

One of the most important decisions I have made is to not date. I am going out with my guy friends, but I am making it clear that there are boundaries around this. This is for their own good, as well as mine, since they deserve a mentally and emotionally well person and I need to make sure I am making decisions based on sound principles and not on infatuation.

What I just don't get is why my guy friends cannot be honest with me when I am being honest with them.

One man who showed interest in dating me just lied to me completely when I told him I wasn't ready to date. He just completely stopped all the text messages, the phone calls and emails--cold turkey. When I called him out on this, instead of being honest, he denied it. When I said we could hang out as friends and take things slow, he agreed to this, but the event we had previously set up, he canceled on me and I haven't heard from him since. Why couldn't he just be honest with me, especially when I called him on it, asked him for honesty? Why couldn't he just come out and say he was only interested in fucking me and not interested in anything else?

Another friend said he was also getting over a relationship and wasn't ready to date and wanted to pick up a friendship where we had left off over a year ago, so the two of us hanging out and keeping things platonic for  now meshed very well.

What happened? Who the hell knows.  I haven't heard from him in over a week. I've sent him an email and a text message. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero.

Do these men seriously think they are doing us women a favor by lying to us this way? By not communicating with us? We know it's them with the problem.  By this time in our lives, we don't take it personal. They are the one's not in touch with their feelings. Yet, it still leaves us out in the dark, with no good explanation. Cold, unfeeling, drained, alone, blank.

A few years ago, I was dating a man. It was serious. Then, over a weekend, his mood changed. I could tell he was pulling away from me, but I didn't know why. Then two days later he calls me and says he considers me his best friend but doesn't want a romantic relationship. I was devastated. I knew there was more to the story, but he wouldn't communicate with me. A week later, I run into him in a bar with his arm around a woman that I knew he had a crush on but she had been in a relationship with someone else but had recently come back on the market.  Why couldn't he just tell me the truth? That he had started dating her? Didn't he know the truth would have been easier on me? It was easier on him to lie to me.

Maybe the men my age have been taught their entire lives to be so disconnected from their feelings that I am asking too much for them to now connect with their feelings.

I love this article on Sex and Men

There is a wonderful book called Iron John

In this book the author tells us that there are five steps of becoming a man.

1. Connection with then clean break with your mother
2. Connection with then clean break with your father
3. Being mentored by another older man
4. Apprenticeship to some hurricane energy
5. Marriage with the holy woman over the queen
Discussion on book, Iron John

Here is an article on how to maintain friendships: Friendships

I have to wonder, 'Have the men between the ages 30 and 60 been so damaged with the way they were raised, not capable of making emotional connections with women? Are they incapable of emotional honesty?

I have to wonder.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Respect vs Love

In a relationship, is it more important to have respect or love?

Respect: esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability.

Love:a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.  sexual passion or desire.

Do men seek out respect over love in a relationship? Do women seek out love over respect in a relationship?

Friday, February 8, 2013



Warm inside
Wind blowing

Comforting colors                                     

Blanket closer

Softly playing

Feel safe

Just me

Saturday, February 2, 2013


I have been introspective a lot lately.  I have had to be. I have had to critically wonder if I did anything to attract this last man into my life. Was I emotionally unhealthy? What did I do to attract such a toxic person to me in the first place?  I feel emotionally healthy. I don't feel desperate. I love myself and don't feel any voids in my life. This is why it has been especially perplexing to me that this person came into my life. I wasn't even looking for anyone to date at the time. I wasn't on any dating websites, when I attended social events, I went with my guy friends so that men wouldn't hit on me.

 I tend to be kind, generous, giving, and give people the benefit of the doubt and this is all enticing to people who like to press the boundaries.  They are drawn to people like me, they see someone they can take advantage of, someone they can take from with little regard to giving equally in return.

It has taken several failed relationships for me to realize that there is nothing wrong with me as to why people are attracted to I attract givers as well as takers to me.

That said, I do have some ownership with how a relationship progresses to the point that I feel abused, used, and taken advantage of.  When a person pushes my boundaries, my belief system has said that it is better for the relationship to allow them to do this to me (it's better to get along and not make waves). I have let people push me, to take from me, and I give when the other receives to the point that the relationship ends up where there is no more compromise, but instead a taker and a giver; a winner and a loser.

At this point, I want to back up the relationship and take back my space, my rights and demand my boundaries be returned.  The problem that now exists is that the other person is used to stepping all over me, and have come to expect this and has no motivation to give back all the boundaries they have taken.

I need have an electric fence at the property line instead of when they break into my house....this is what I'm learning about myself...I let people slowly step on me, until they get too far, then when I say, 'hey, back up, that is uncomfortable' they say, 'but you let me into your yard and onto your patio, now I'm coming in the front door!'

 I now understand that my ownership is at the very beginning of the relationship...I cannot allow the other person to cross that very first line or boundary that makes me feel uncomfortable. I must hold them accountable and responsible and demand they respect my boundary instead of letting them trample my grass.I cannot expect the other person to be like me, to respect people as I respect them.

When a person is telling me about their history and are vague on the details or the details don't add up, I will not remain silent.  When a person says they are committed to me, yet they don't call when they say they will, or don't come over when say they will, I will hold them accountable instead of remain silent.  When a person is caught in a lie, I will hold them to the truth rather than allow them to tell me they love me and wiggle out.  When a person's habits, such as drinking becomes a concern and I want to have a serious discussion with them, but they minimize it or blame or refuse help, I will choose to leave the relationship rather than hope they will change in the future.

I will not allow my first line of defense or my boundary to be crossed. This is for their benefit, also. When a person crosses the boundaries of another person, they have learned to disrespect another person. It isn't in their best interest to treat other people with disrespect.

Boundary Bill of Rights
*I will not allow others to knowingly lie to me.
*When a person's words and behavior do not match up, I will believe their behavior over their words.
*I will no longer give people the benefit of the doubt.
*If people want to be in my life, they must earn it through respect.
*When someone's behavior steps over my boundary and they are told, they will have the choice to step back or get out of my life.

Keep off the grass!