Generalization

I work with children with disabilities and one of the skills we teach them is how to generalize. Most children learn this concept naturally, but not all people, on all skills in all areas, over all environments. For example, we can teach a child in a controlled setting how to identify his colors, but that doesn't mean they can identify their colors out of that controlled environment. They need to then be taken out of that controlled environment and taught their colors in other ways. They need to be taught to match color cards to objects of the same color. They need to be taken around the room and in the real world and asked what color certain objects are. They need to be asked what color their clothes are, the walls are, etc. In this way, they are able to generalize the concept of learning colors.

When I was on my mission, we tracted out a young man who was so excited to show us what he had found in the back of a magazine.  He had found a handkerchief that was personally blessed by a popular televangelist and if you paid $49.99, you could be the proud owner of the handkerchief and untold blessings would come to you.

My companion and I walked away and were confounded how people could be taken in by half truths and lies by something that was so obviously a religious charlatan. Today, I watched this video:
Inside Edition on Televangelists

As I watched it, I was reminded of Jim Jones and how he was able to fool so many people and they couldn't see through his half truths and lies at the cost of their lives, not just at the cost of their money. When the story of Jim Jones broke on the news, I remember hearing about the points that make up a cult. As I read them in the news, I remember thinking that they were just like the Mormon church. Yet, with nobody to discuss my concerns with, I quickly dismissed them.

Today, as I watched the video, I am once again taken back in time and marvel how I was not able to generalize the knowledge I had of cults or of charlatans to my own experience within the Mormon church. I could see it in other churches and other church leaders, but not my own. I could see how other church leaders used their charisma  to get their members to hand over money, but I could not see it within the Mormon church leaders. I could see where the Mormon leaders would say, 'trust me', without actual facts or data to show trustworthiness, yet I could not see how handing over 10% of my income, without transparency within the Mormon church would be considered criminal in any other corporation. If I was told by any other organization to not compare what they told me about their history to what was available about their history from other sources, I would be suspicious and sceptical of that organization. Yet, when the Mormon church said to do that very thing, I just blindly accepted it.

As I speak to others who continue within the Mormon church who also have knowledge of how the leaders hide their history, are not transparent with their finances, who have knowledge of the leaders purchasing billion dollar malls, yet they cannot generalize this knowledge to other religious leaders who own million dollar jets or homes.

City Creek Mall

 city creek

This week, several members who have been able to generalize, filed a criminal fraud suit against the Mormon church for similar practices that are so often seen in other churches and other corporations, yet so hard for Mormon members to see within its own ranks.

 It will take Mormon members to get out of their controlled environment, and compare what is happening within the top leadership to see what is happening before they can generalize.
An Open Letter to Mormon Leadership

I learned to generalize once I stepped out of the controlled environment the church set up and stepped out into the real world. What a beautiful world it is.

Bait and Switch no more?

JOINT STATEMENT concerning summonses served on Thomas Spencer Monson:

This present case is Tom Phillips’ initiative. However, we were invited by him last December to submit to the District Judge letters outlining our own situations. Perhaps, in view of the many ideas which have been flying about since the news of the summonses broke, we could first state what this legal action, in our view, is NOT about:

It is NOT an attack on ordinary faithful Mormons. We have been long enough in those ranks to understand their outlook, and their need to believe in something to which they are committing their lives, and we also know only too well the pain of discovering, before we were ready to, the harsh realities of Mormon history.

It is NOT per se an attack on Mormonism as a belief system. We believe that as long as people are first made aware of all of the relevant historical facts which ought to inform their decision making, it becomes solely their choice and their business if they wish to hand over their money, time and efforts to the LDS church. When comprehensive disclosure becomes the normal practice, we will find no fault. We accept that some will choose to believe whatever they will, despite mountains of contrary evidence, and that is their inalienable right.

NOR, as far as we are concerned, is this a personal vendetta against Thomas Monson. We do not know him, and he has never met us. Unfortunately, he happens to be the man at this point who occupies the Church President’s office, and so the summonses have been served upon him. On a personal basis we feel compassion for a man of his advanced years, allegedly not in the best of health, who has recently lost his wife. He has been part of our Mormon culture. We always enjoyed seeing him wiggle his ears to entertain the children. It is a rare gift. We feel no personal animosity towards him.

This is NOT being done out of anger, but out of concern for the many who otherwise, will perhaps one day feel hurt and betrayed, as we presently do.

This action is being taken over what we consider to be unethical and fraudulent practices. Our view is based upon our own experiences, and also those of others within the Mormon community. These practices are approved and implemented by the church hierarchy. Our argument is therefore with that system and whoever is ultimately responsible for implementing such practices.

When members of the church are formally taught from childhood that they will only be with their families in the next life if they pay a minimum of 10% of their income to the church, (tithing being a requirement of entering the temple, where the eternal sealing of families occurs), a pattern of lifelong financial sacrifice is established. We have been taught that all hope of remaining with our loved ones in the next life, is contingent upon a lifelong monetary commitment to the church, and we have been led to believe that the keys to this eternal sealing are vested in the President of the church, currently Thomas Monson, who has authority to grant or dissolve such unions. We have been repeatedly instructed by those in church authority that God requires us to pay tithing before attending to any other household expenditure, such as rent, food, fuel or clothing.

It follows that those who default on payments, start to fear that they will lose their loved ones in the eternities. In certain cases known to us, defaulting tithe-payers descend into a state of despondency, feeling utterly worthless, sometimes losing the respect and confidence of their family members who depend upon them to be obedient to the law of tithing. In many cases obedience is accomplished only through fear and coercion, and the fear is induced by constant reference to and emphasis upon the LDS scriptures. Yet those scriptures themselves fail the tests of historical authenticity. A growing body of evidence, (not disclosed at present to the average tithe-payer), clearly points to them as being the work of Joseph Smith, and his contemporaries, rather than texts of ancient origin. 

We contend that anyone faced with making a demanding financial commitment to the LDS church, deserves first to be presented with the full evidence concerning LDS truth claims, so that they may make up their minds without being misled. In the UK, such onerous financial commitments are usually undertaken with appropriate warnings and additional information, otherwise they are deemed “mis-sold”. We believe that any person seeking to join the LDS church in Britain, and all British members wishing to place their trust in the family sealing powers claimed for the LDS temple, first ought to be told, at the very least, why The Book of Abraham is not accepted by the rest of the world as an authentic translation, and why The Book of Mormon has much more in common with a 19th century novel than it has with 1600 year old Native American artefacts; they should also be informed of the real reasons which led to the murder of Joseph and Hyrum Smith, including the shocking details of Joseph Smith’s polygamous and polyandrous extra-marital unions, in the name of God, with women and girls, some as young as 14.

If, knowing these details, candidates choose to proceed with their baptisms or temple ordinances, none will later be able to claim, as we now do, that they have been deceived. At present however, that is very much not the situation, for most tithe-paying temple-attending members have little or no idea about the true history of their religion, or the profound lack of evidence supporting many of their tenets.

We would like to see the church admit that it has erred grossly for many years in neglecting to address these matters openly and honestly as a matter of routine. We feel it should repent of its failings, apologising for misleading its members in the past, encouraging them in turn to mislead others in their missionary and teaching assignments. We would like to see the church taking steps to educate its members and prospective members fully in accordance with the historical record. We would also like to see full openness and accountability in terms of financial accounting and LDS archival holdings. We would like it to provide sensitive counselling and care for those who lose their faith when they discover the uncomfortable realities. There should be no more labelling of such members as “faithless”, “dissidents” or “apostates” - as though there was something wrong with people having a desire to seek out the truth. Possibly the church leaders could work in combination with those of us who have already trodden this difficult path, so that rehabilitation into the wider world of belief choices would become smoother and less traumatic for spiritual victims of the system.

We are also anxious to see the church offer assurances about the position with Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs of members and former members who now feel, as we do, that our tithing and other offerings were obtained by the church under false pretenses. For every pound paid to the church by LDS members in the UK who, (following leadership counsel), have availed themselves of Deeds of Covenant and Gift Aid, £0.20 has been added by the British Taxpayer to the church’s bank accounts. The sum paid out by HMRC in this connection must now amount to tens of millions of pounds. It is understood that in most cases the resulting tax rebates made to individuals, were handed over to the church at its request. We seek an assurance from the church therefore, that in the event that at some future time these payments made by HMRC will be deemed to have been fraudulently obtained, the LDS church will offer immunity to those individuals, and ensure that such sums as were rebated will be returned with the due interest to HMRC.

Finally we hope one day to see a more compassionate church, in which those of us who still retain through habit something of a Mormon identity, may find acceptance within the LDS community, no matter what our perceived deficiencies or peculiarities or orientations might be, being valued simply because we place a high value on objective truth.

Steve Bloor
Chris Ralph
7th February 2014

Keep Your Word

Your word is your bond.

If you say you're going to call; call.

If you say you're going to come over; come over.

Integrity

About 2 years ago I discovered the book, 'The Four Agreements'. It changed my life. It had such a profound impact on me, I even wrote the second agreement on my mirror so that I would be reminded of it each morning.

According to the author, Don Miguel Ruiz, the information contained in the book is based on ancient Toltec wisdom which he learned growing up in Mexico from his faith healing mother and his Shaman father. Here is a link to an overview of Don Miguel Ruiz and his seminars and his books, The Four Agreements

These are the four agreements we should make with ourselves:

1.  Be impeccable with your word:
Say what you mean and speak with integrity.  Use the power of your words to speak with love and understanding and empathy.

2. Don't take anything personally:
Nothing that others do is because of you. Others project their own dreams and their own reality. When you are immune from the actions and opinions of others, you save yourself from needless suffering. When someone criticizes you, it is because of their own perceived views.  When someone complements you, it is also because of their own projections of beauty.

3.  Don't make assumptions:
Ask questions and express what you want. This takes courage and makes you vulnerable, take the leap, as this avoids misunderstanding and drama. You can transform your life.

4. Always do your best:
Your best may change from moment to moment, day to day.  Your best may change depending on whether you are healthy or sick. By always doing your best, you avoid self-judgement and regret.

I have learned to stop putting so much emphasis on what other people say to me or how people treat me. I have learned that when a driver flips me off, they must be having a hard day and it doesn't have anything to do with me. I have learned that when the waitress is rude to me, the customer before me was likely rude to her and she is now taking it out on me. I have learned that when I say I will be somewhere, I need to be there or call instead of just not show up, because my word is my bond.

I have learned to ask questions when I don't understand. I have learned that it is okay to not feel as though I am supposed to know how people think or feel or behave, but it is better ask than assume I know. I have learned that when my day has gone very badly, my best is very different than when my day is going well, and it is okay to go home, drink a cup of tea and put my feet up, because my best for that day has been spent and I am done. It is okay to acknowledge that. When I am having a good day, I expect more out of myself.

Emotional Honesty

Is it just men, or are women just as bad? I need to know.

The past few months have been excruciating, exhausting, numbing, life changing. Yet, I am attempting to move beyond the events that have forever changed me. I am listening to my girlfriend's advice and taking each day slow. I am listening to my soul. I am healing. Very, very slowly, I am healing.

One of the most important decisions I have made is to not date. I am going out with my guy friends, but I am making it clear that there are boundaries around this. This is for their own good, as well as mine, since they deserve a mentally and emotionally well person and I need to make sure I am making decisions based on sound principles and not on infatuation.

What I just don't get is why my guy friends cannot be honest with me when I am being honest with them.

One man who showed interest in dating me just lied to me completely when I told him I wasn't ready to date. He just completely stopped all the text messages, the phone calls and emails--cold turkey. When I called him out on this, instead of being honest, he denied it. When I said we could hang out as friends and take things slow, he agreed to this, but the event we had previously set up, he canceled on me and I haven't heard from him since. Why couldn't he just be honest with me, especially when I called him on it, asked him for honesty? Why couldn't he just come out and say he was only interested in fucking me and not interested in anything else?

Another friend said he was also getting over a relationship and wasn't ready to date and wanted to pick up a friendship where we had left off over a year ago, so the two of us hanging out and keeping things platonic for  now meshed very well.

What happened? Who the hell knows.  I haven't heard from him in over a week. I've sent him an email and a text message. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero.

Do these men seriously think they are doing us women a favor by lying to us this way? By not communicating with us? We know it's them with the problem.  By this time in our lives, we don't take it personal. They are the one's not in touch with their feelings. Yet, it still leaves us out in the dark, with no good explanation. Cold, unfeeling, drained, alone, blank.

A few years ago, I was dating a man. It was serious. Then, over a weekend, his mood changed. I could tell he was pulling away from me, but I didn't know why. Then two days later he calls me and says he considers me his best friend but doesn't want a romantic relationship. I was devastated. I knew there was more to the story, but he wouldn't communicate with me. A week later, I run into him in a bar with his arm around a woman that I knew he had a crush on but she had been in a relationship with someone else but had recently come back on the market.  Why couldn't he just tell me the truth? That he had started dating her? Didn't he know the truth would have been easier on me? It was easier on him to lie to me.

Maybe the men my age have been taught their entire lives to be so disconnected from their feelings that I am asking too much for them to now connect with their feelings.

I love this article on Sex and Men

There is a wonderful book called Iron John

In this book the author tells us that there are five steps of becoming a man.

1. Connection with then clean break with your mother
2. Connection with then clean break with your father
3. Being mentored by another older man
4. Apprenticeship to some hurricane energy
5. Marriage with the holy woman over the queen
Discussion on book, Iron John

Here is an article on how to maintain friendships: Friendships

I have to wonder, 'Have the men between the ages 30 and 60 been so damaged with the way they were raised, not capable of making emotional connections with women? Are they incapable of emotional honesty?

I have to wonder.

Honesty

After the horrid end of the last relationship, I had a knee jerk reaction and signed up for a dating service. It didn't take me long to cancel it, because I didn't want to date, I couldn't date, it was even traumatizing to go through the experience, but the most interesting thing about it was looking at the men's profiles.

The dating site had people answer questions. One of the questions was, 'How honest are you?
 a. Always honest
 b. Mostly honest
 c. Sometimes honest

 d. Rarely honest.

I answered mostly honest because that was the honest answer, as no one is always honest (I don't tell my friends they look fat, I don't tell someone they have bad breath, etc. I don't want to unnecessarily hurt someone's feelings). These are small things, however, not the big, important things.

What I found so intriguing is that 100% of the men that looked at my profile answered they are always honest. Their answer showed they are dishonest.  How about with holding information? That is also dishonest.  There are lies of omission and commission.

I have a girlfriend whose husband used her silverware to pick up the dog poop...when she was upset and insisted he buy her a new set, he just said he wouldn't tell her next time. He wonders why she is upset with him twice.

I'm okay with not being told a certain outfit is unflattering.  I'm not okay with with big lies that hurt.
With all the shit I have been through, I don't need one more lie in my life.

It's about...time

There will be a BBC interview of Jeffery Holland that will be presented in the USA sometime before November, 2012.  Here is a link to a summary of it:
http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/blog-24-7707-bbc-interview-with-lds-leader-earns-controversy.html

Some of the highlights:
*Holland is asked if Joseph Smith was arrested and convicted. At first Holland says, "I have no idea. When the interviewer says there is an actual court record, Holland backs down and says it is incidental to his character.  By the way, here is the link to that document supporting his arrest and conviction:
http://byulaw.blogspot.com/2005/09/joseph-smiths-arrest-records-found.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzKm7rBhTBQ

*Holland is asked if Romney had covenanted in the temple to slit his throat rather than tell what he learned in the temple.  This did in fact existed in the temple up until 1990 and was then taken out.  Since Romney had in fact gone through the temple before 1990, he would have made these oaths.  When pressed, he attempts to back down.

*The church spokesman, when at first asked about the Strengthening the members committee, at first denied any knowledge about it.  When pressed, said he knew about it, but couldn't give any information about it.  When Holland was asked about it, he said its primary purpose was to protect against polygamy.  Do you know what its primary purpose is?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strengthening_Church_Members_Committee
http://www.mormoncurtain.com/topic_scmc.html
http://peace-in-paradise.blogspot.com/2012/05/strengthening-church-members-committee.html

*Holland was asked if the church practices shunning. He said he would not shun a child.  All I can say to that is I have several family members who will not speak to me because I am no longer a member of the church.  I am estranged from the rest of them.  My  now ex-husband told me he would not support me when I told him I could no longer attend the mormon church. Seems like shunning to me.

Can the church stand up to scrutiny? Its about time the media asked these hard questions.

Magic?

Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. 

That said, if you were god and you were going to trust bringing back your church, would you trust such an important job to someone who believes in magic? Would you trust that important job to someone who had been convicted of treasure seeking?  Would you trust someone who had been convicted of conning people out of money by telling them treasure can be found on their property through seer stones? Then, those same seer stones are put in a hat and used to translate a magical book?  Even according to the church records, this is what happened:  http://byulaw.blogspot.com/2005/09/joseph-smiths-arrest-records-found.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzKm7rBhTBQ

Now, the modern day church shows photos of Joseph looking at golden plates and then translating them. However, all first hand reports say he actually put those same seer stones he used for treasure hunting into a hat and that is how we have the BofM today: (church friendly sources)

http://latterdaycommentary.blogspot.com/2008/04/seer-stone-in-hat-book-of-mormon.html

http://mormonstories.org/top10toughissues/peepstones.html

http://www.exmormon.org/mormon/mormon266.htm

http://www.mrm.org/translation

The question remains, then, why does the modern day church go out of its way do deceive its members? It depicts Joseph as using gold plates to translate the BofM through photos and stories when in fact there is no documentation to support this.

Joseph was convicted of treasure seeking.

Joseph believed in magic stones long before the advent of the mormon church.

It is time the believing member were made aware of these facts. 

What is the fact?

The entire time I was a mormon, the leaders would warn us to not listen to opponents of the church. They warned us that they were evil, they were sinners, they were tools of the devil.

We were warned that although people who opposed the church would say things such as, 'there are significant changes to the BoM' the leaders in the church would tell us that only minor spelling errors had been made.

You have to see this, then decide for yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1foCKuxjTA&feature=share

How can you still believe in your leaders, who are not honest with you?

Fear

I sit on the couch, surrounded by 4 men; the estranged husband and 3 church leaders. I thought that one of these men were on my side. Was I wrong. I had been struggling with what to believe about the Mormon Church.; I was having a crisis of faith. I had found out things. Terrible things and am struggling because of what I have learned. I had bishops admit to me that they do not make church callings based on being directed by the Holy Ghost as they tell everyone they do; but in fact what is easy, practical, logical, popular. I had told the estranged husband I wanted to attend some other Christian church. He told me he wouldn't follow me there. I had already decided that the Mormon Church could not be true but was keeping these thoughts to myself. I was not attending church. I was not raising my hand and sustaining these church men as my leaders. I had not renewed my temple recommend. I find out later that these men sitting in my house are not here to help me and support me through my crisis of faith, but to apply pressure. I found out later that the estranged husband has been in private communication with these men, turning them against me. Something he would continue to do with future bishops.

The one with the most power, the one who I thought was on my side, speaks. He tells me that I must submit to the husband and the bishop. I am shocked. He had previously told me that he was in my corner. I feel humiliated and horrified. I have been feeling lost and completely alone and have felt I have nowhere to turn and now the one man I thought would support me has turned on me. I tell him "No." I stand up and walk out. I am shattered. My sister once said that what others perceived as a breakdown was in fact a breakthrough. That is what this moment was for me. I got in my car and drove. I didn't know what I was going to do. My marriage was in a shambles. I didn't know where my faith was going to go from this point. I didn't have anyone to turn to; I felt I had no path to walk, I felt lost and all alone. This was the loneliest and lowest point in my life. In that car ride; I began to forge a new path. I turn around and drive back home.

Nobody likes to be forced into a corner with no options but to submit to another person's will. These men think they can use fear to get me to do what they want when love and acceptance would be the wiser choice. I decide from that moment on that I would not submit to fear; fear of losing my eternal reward (what god would have us follow him based on fear?); fear of losing my family; fear of losing everything unless I submitted to fallible men?

The definition of submit is:

sub·mit

  –verb (used with object)

1. to give over or yield to the power or authority of another.

2. to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.

3. to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit a  plan; to submit anapplication.

4. to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose (usuallyfol. by a clause): I submit  that full proof should be required.

Why is a man’s opinion, power or authority of any more value than mine? A man is as fallible as I am. Does being male make him more intelligent, his opinion, his power any better than mine?  I cannot understand submitting to another man who is as fallible as I am, who is as easily prone to mistakes as I am.  I cannot understand submitting to someone who is prone to controlling and manipulating.  We can teach each other and learn from each other, but we should not be required to submit to another.

Secrecy

We all have secrets, right? We don’t tell everything to everyone in our lives. We don’t tell our best friend that we went out with another friend the night before without her because she just wouldn’t fit in, yet we didn’t want to not go and miss out on a boat load of fun. We don’t tell our spouse about our entire past before we met them. It’s in the past, after all.

There are some secrets that should not be kept in a marriage, however, and do cause irreparable damage. The last ten years of our marriage, the husband began keeping secrets, and they grew and grew, to the point that I could not get past them, and they destroyed our marriage.

The husband took over the finances all on his own. He put secret passwords on the checking account. All though I had a debit card and a checkbook, I did not have access to how much money was in the checking account and if we were being overdrawn or not. I did not know how much money was coming in and how much money was going out. I did not know how much money he was making. I did not have access to our investments. I begged and begged. He would sit down with me when I would get on him and go over the budget, but he did tricky things making it impossible for anyone to understand the budget. He had taken every bill such as the utilities and separated out the taxes so that I could not even understand how much money was being paid on household expenses. He was sabotaging me so that I would give up.

Then more secrets. I found out about at least 15 secret e-mail accounts. Then he put secret passwords on his cell phone. Then when he traveled he stopped telling me his room number so that I could not call his room directly and could only reach him on his cell phone. Then he began receiving phone calls at midnight. He would take his cell phone into the other room and then come back to bed stating that it was a wrong number. Did he think I believed him? Who goes into the other room to answer a wrong number? Then I found out about his 5 secret post office boxes.

When I would confront him he would tell me I was insecure. It was my issue. He had a right to his privacy. I was over reacting. It was all me. He was doing nothing wrong.

In marriage counseling he refused to discuss these secrets. The marriage counselor was too much of a wimp to hold him accountable. To this day I do not even know what he was keeping secret. With some objectivity, I believe it was one of two things; he was either having an affair or multiple affairs or he was just trying to manipulate me into thinking he was having an affair to make me insecure and look like an out-of-control idiot. Either way, I am glad I am out. What kind of marriage is that? An emotionally abusive kind.

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

Responsibility

Five years into my marriage, our checking account was continually overdrawn. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get a handle on it. For months, this went on. I finally did an in-depth analysis of our checking account. It turned out that there were consistent withdrawals from my husband’s ATM card every few days. These withdrawals were for $20, $40, $60. It was throwing our balance off, and since it wasn’t in the budget or accounted for, it was overdrawing our account.

I waited for the dinner to be done, the dishes to be cleaned, my child to be in bed to talk to him about it and find a solution. I approached the subject like it was our problem and our solution. When it became apparent to him that he was the one causing the problem, however, he became irritated and yelled at me and told me that it was my problem and I alone was to find a solution and he stormed out of the room. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe he wouldn’t sit down and discuss this as an adult with me; that he would put the entire burden and blame on me! I cried. It took a few weeks, but I did come up with a solution on my own. I came up with the idea of a slush fund. I gave him a cash fund for him to spend each month and I got a slush fund each month. We were not accountable to each other for this money—we could spend it on anything we wanted. Then we had a mutual slush fund we would spend on eating out/movies, etc.

This worked well; until I discovered he was cheating the system. Each time he filled his car up with gas; he would not pay at the pump, but go inside and pay and get extra cash. This became the norm for the marriage. He would never discuss any issue in the marriage. He blamed me for everything. Every issue was mine to solve on my own. He cheated the system at every chance he got.

Recently he took our daughter on vacation. While on vacation, he took her to the water park. He did not put sunscreen on her. She came home with a terrible sunburn. I was horrified and sent him a text asking him how he could be so irresponsible. He texted me back, blaming me. How was it possibly my fault? I had bought her the season pass to the water park for her birthday! He will never change; no matter how far he has to stretch his imagination, he will find some way to blame me for his mistakes and his failures.