The Happiness Myth

 This is what I grew up believing, that if I wasn't happy, I should pretend I was. If I was in a miserable marriage, I should pretend the marriage was perfect. If I was having difficulty parenting, pretend everything is perfect. If I was unhappy being a stay at home Mom, fake being happy.

I should NOT, under any circumstances, get a divorce. I should endure the misery and then find my happiness in the next life. This made no sense to me. God really wanted me unhappy? Was happiness that elusive?

The Mormons believe that living the gospel is the one and only way to happiness. Yet, living the gospel is a very elusive thing, as I would learn. To live the gospel, a person must:
* read their scriptures, oh, but you must read them every day, but not only everyday, but with a meditative mind, seeking understanding and insight, open to the holy ghost, with the understanding that they are true and from god and any other answer simple isn't possible
*pray, oh, but not just pray, but in the morning, in the evening, say family prayers, couples prayers, with a mind that is focused and open to the promptings of the holy ghost
*have family home evenings, every Monday, have some fun activities, but teach your children the teachings of the church
*be modest, in thought, in word, in deed. Wear the temple garments day and night
*attend church, not just at Christmas time and Easter, like other religions, or once a month, but every Sunday. Be reverent, don't eat snacks, attend all 3 hours, don't be distracted by electronic devices, pay attention, listen, be reverent, set a good example for the children
*do your church calling, do it with excellence. Lengthen your stride. Never turn down a church calling. Never question whether a church calling is meant for you
* Never question your church leaders, from the general authorities, down to the bishop. When the bishop asks your teenage daughter if she has anal sex, do not question his motives.
*attend the temple, even if it is bat shit crazy, attend anyway. Even if it seems cult-like to dress up in bakers hats and robes and do secret handshakes and mimic cutting your throat, attend anyway.
*visit teach the women and home teach the families, then tattle tale on them to the leaders. Visit families that ask to not be visited, ignore boundaries and the families wishes to not be visited

The list goes on...and a person is to find happiness within all this and more. If a person isn't happy, then they are doing something wrong. Maybe they visited their family on the end of the month instead of on the first of the month. Maybe they turned down that nursery assignment. Maybe they just couldn't attend the temple that month because doing secret handshakes was just too much that month.

When I left the church, I found that happiness is not so elusive and I didn't have to fake it. If I was unhappy, that is okay. If I was angry, that is okay, too. None of my emotions are bad or good, they just are, they just exist. I don't have to fake any of them. By embracing each one as they come, I deal with them, I figure out why I'm angry, I face the reason why, I deal with it, find a solution, and life is that simple.

I have found that happiness is also not so elusive or difficult to attain.Happiness is quite simple. Sitting quietly with my kids watching TV or having a discussion about feminism; having my lover's arm around me after sex; looking at the beautiful colors of a sunset; having a good day at work; all these things make me happy. I have found that each day, I find happiness in something, and it is often something small that brings happiness.

Happiness isn't a mystery or a goal, it is product of living life.

Mantras to Live By

Here are some mantas that I can live by:

*What you do speaks so loud I cannot hear what you say. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The more life experiences I have, the more I realize that it is people's behaviors that speak for them, and not their words.

*There are some people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting isn't with you, it is with themselves. ~ Anonymous

I have also learned that people's emotions are also about themselves, not me. There are people who always drive with road rage. (I'm not talking about those of us who get upset with the guy who cuts us off, or drives 20 miles under the speed limit when we are late, it is normal for us to upset by these things. I'm talking about the person who flips off every driver, who roles down his window to yell at any driver, who gets out of his car at red lights to scream at drivers, and even bumps other cars and chases other drivers on a regular bases.) There are people who keep their rage just under their skin; who wait until they are drunk and then yell at the wait staff, or bring up petty arguments with family members, or complain about spilled food on counters and other minor things. They are always pointing out small imperfections of those around them. The never see their own minor imperfections but always those in others and create drama and conflict by pointing them out.

*It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

This is what growing up is all about... plus taking responsibility for yourself. For many women, they are looking for others to save them. This isn't a disney movie. Women need to save themselves. For many men, they are looking for someone to blame. They need to take ownership of their problems. When people have the courage to grow up, they can become who they were meant to be.

*You are not powerless.

Even when the entire universe conspires against you; you still have the choice to think freely. That is the greatest power of all.

*Is fat really the worst thing a human being can be? Is fat worse than vindictive, shallow, jealous, vain, boring, evil, or cruel? ~J.K. Rowling

And might I add, violence, war, poverty?

*People don't always need advice. Sometimes all they really need is a hand to hold, an ear to listen, and a heart to understand them.

*If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten we belong to each other. ~Mother Theresa

*Do no harm, but take no shit.

*Never ruin an apology with an excuse. ~Abraham Lincoln

*Most relationships fail because we spend too much time pointing out each other's mistakes and not enough time enjoying each other's company. ~

True dat~

*Girls don't dress for boys. They dress for themselves, and of course, each other. If girls dressed for boys, they'd just walk around naked at all times. ~Betty Johnson

No other explanation necessary...

And of course, communication styles:

More

More obedience
More sacrifice
More devotion
More perfection
More kids

Less money
Less time
Less patience
Less happiness
Less sex

More anxiety
More depression
More migraines
More suffering
More conflict

Less quality
Less commitment
Less tithing
Less attendance
Less devotion

More conformity
More dissonance
More denial
More contradictions
More abuse

Less acceptance
Less authenticity
Less reality
Less voice
Less boundaries

More anger
More blinders
More walls
More delusion
More submitting

Less collaboration
Less equality
Less passion
Less power
Less respect

More meditation
More pondering
More truth
More thinking
More searching

Less subjugating
Less blame
Less controlling
Less conditioning
Less pressure

More peace
More time
More money
More love
More happiness

Less Fear
Less guilt
Less pressure
Less repression
Less shame

More color
More voice
More communication
More wisdom
More....Me

Box of Crayons

I have come to define what morality is very differently over the last several years.

I have come to view the world like a box of crayons, full of colors instead of just a black and white crayon.

I was raised to believe that every decision was simple; yes/no, right/wrong, black/white, following rules set by religion.

I do not believe this any more.  Making a moral decision any more, is based on treating people with kindness, being happy, making decisions that do not harm others. For example, it is more important that I spend time with my family than serving in a church calling where I am not with my family.

I have made some important life decisions lately that make me very happy. Yet, I am not able to share these decisions with my family.  Why? Because my family will not be happy for me.  If these decisions make me happy, then why won't my family be happy for me?  Because my family makes decisions based on an absolute moral judgement of black/white and right/wrong.  They will judge me, criticize me, condemn me.  

I hope that one day my happiness will be placed above a set of outdated religious rules.  Until then, I will continue to be estranged from those people who are supposed to love me unconditionally.

Belief

I don't run into many of my former mormon friends in stores any more, but I used to.  It was uncomfortable because the only questions they would ask is what ward (congregation) I belong to; what church calling I hold (what volunteer work I do in within the church); how is my husband (whom I am divorced from).  I do have a few mormon friends on fb and no matter how many photos I post of me in tank tops (a big no no to show shoulders because for some odd reason, shoulders have become sexual or offensive or vulgar), or how many articles I post about alcohol ( mormons think drinking alcohol and tea and coffee is a sin), my mormon friends cannot grasp the concept that someone can leave the mormon church and so they continue to ask about what my life is like within the mormon church. Sigh.

I was taught my entire mormon life that people only leave because they are offended by something or someone or because they are sinners and do not repent.  I believed this and repeated this diatribe and now this is one of my greatest regrets as I have come to realize it is false.

I have attempted multiple times to explain to mormons that I left because I stopped believing that their leaders speak to a god that hates black people then changes his mind and loves them.  I stopped believing that their leaders should rule in fear and shame.  I stopped believing that people should receive church discipline for having a crisis of faith. I stopped believing in a church that punishes a woman who divorces a man for leaving an abusive husband. I stopped believing that women should be submissive to men. I stopped believing in the patriarchal order.  I stopped believing that god will punish people for not giving tithing to an organization that builds malls instead of water wells.  I stopped believing in a god that makes people gay and then punishes those same people and tells their family to shun them. I stopped believing in a god that helps people find their keys so they will be on time for church yet does not stop an earthquake from killing thousands.

I stopped telling mormons why I left because they believe that all people are supposed to be mormon, all people are supposed to conform to its beliefs, all people are supposed to accept it someday (that is why they do baptisms for the dead).  How do you rationalize with beliefs like that?

Perfection?

In the mormon church, we were told, 'be ye therefore perfect, even as your father in heaven is perfect.'

Even though we were told this was not to be something to be  achieved in this life, everyone still expected everyone else to pretend to be perfect.

The definition of what it meant to be perfect was also very narrowly defined.

A young man named Henry who lived in California tried so desperately to be perfect.  But you see, he was also gay.  You can't be gay and perfect in the mormon church.  He tried so hard to change being gay.  He couldn't, so he did what so many other gay youth in the mormon church are doing-- he committed suicide.  http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1975981914/a-stranger-at-the-table-why-god-hates-gay-mormons

Although I cannot completely understand his struggle, since I have never questioned my sexual orientation, I do understand his struggle with the concept of trying to be perfect, and especially such a narrow view of what perfection is; and if you can't be perfect, pretend to be something that you are not.

Not being your authentic self, leads to frustration, disappointment in yourself, a life of sadness and unhappiness. Like so many people discover, it leads to suicide or attempts at suicide.

I know how it feels to strive for perfection and always failing; never being good enough for the church or your family; always trying to be someone you are not and feeling as though your authentic self is not good enough for the church, your family or god.

The mantra to be perfect is at odds with loving yourself and others.