Emotional Abuse and Autonomy

Emotional Abuse and Autonomy

“You need to have more kids, especially with how beautiful all your girls are.” My mother-in-law tells me for the hundredth time. Inside I’m seething, as I have to wonder why it is anybody’s business how many kids I have, especially my mother-in-laws when she knows how difficult my pregnancies are as well as the deliveries. She only has three kids, so who is she to tell me to have more kids, anyway? Why is it anybody’s business? I hate it when people tell me how many kids to have. I’m overwhelmed as it is, and this only makes me feel more overwhelmed.

“I’m going to take you to Africa and swing you from the trees.” Joe, an acquaintance tells me in a flirting manner.  I feel so uncomfortable, I don’t know what to say, what kind of come-on is that anyway? How completely inappropriate. I never know how to handle this, so I answer with a soft no, “I’ll just build a tree house and hide from you in its safety.” My soft no doesn’t work, as it often doesn’t, as he persists; “I’ll just build a ladder and come into your tree house.”  I walk away at this point because I’m so disgusted. My guy friends tell me it’s my fault for not giving him a strong no by just telling him to fuck off. I contend that a soft no would be respected by any person who respects boundaries.

“Your behavior is so juvenile, you need to stop acting so silly.”  I’m told this on the internet by someone who doesn’t like my sense of humor.  Why do I need to stop acting silly, I ask myself, I’m not hurting anyone, if it bothers them, why don’t they go somewhere else where it isn’t bothering them? If my behavior isn’t harming them, why do they feel compelled to tell me I must act according to what they want?

I’m tired, I want to go to bed.”  John then tells me it would offend him if I didn’t stay up and watch a movie with him.  The next day, I could hardly make it through my work day, I was so tired and then I resented him for making me too tired to make it through the day.

“I think this is funny!”

“That’s not funny, that’s stupid, and anyone who thinks that’s funny is stupid.” Says my friend.  Well, now I just feel ashamed.

“I’m so angry at Randy!”

 “How dare you…anger is of the devil, you need to repent.” 

“I’m sorry, was just expressing how upset I was that Randy raped me. Now what do I do with all these conflicting emotions?”

“Stop texting and listen to the speaker!”

 “But it’s boring.”

 “I don’t care.”

 Now I’m bored and frustrated.

As I left a controlling church, I realized how much I was told how to think:  your thoughts will condemn you, your bad thoughts lead to sinful actions, sexual thoughts are evil, etc.  I was told what to feel: anger is wrong, jealousy is wrong, sadness is wrong, be happy all the time. I was told how to behave: wear modest clothing, attend church every Sunday, do your church calling, listen to uplifting music, etc. As I look back on this, I realize that very little of these things had to do with harming others, but more with controlling me.

I began to learn to set clear boundaries and take control over my own emotions, thoughts and behavior. This has been a big learning curve for me. I have had to learn from others how to do a lot of this. I have been taught that my thoughts, feelings and behaviors aren’t really mine, but in the control of patriarchy as well as authority.  I have had to learn assertive communication skills in order to take back my personal power.

I remember listening to some women who were going through marriage counseling and how they were being told they could not control the behavior of their spouse, they could tell their spouse what bothered them, but their spouse was in complete control of their own behavior and could then choose to change their own behavior or choose to not change it. This was very difficult for me to understand at first. What if that behavior was damaging to the relationship? Wasn’t the spouse obligated to change? Could they be compelled to change? I have come to understand that we cannot compel others to change, not if we want a healthy relationship with them. We can assertively ask for what we need in a relationship, then after that, we have a choice; we can accept, compromise or walk away.  This has been the hardest lesson for me to learn.

Sulking, giving the silent treatment, yelling, or name calling are not healthy ways of communicating our wants and needs. We can ask for what we need, but the other person can choose to accept, reject or compromise. We become manipulative and lose ground if we use passive aggressive or aggressive tactics.

There are behaviors that are harmful, such as abuse, name calling, withholding money to control, etc. that should not be tolerated and if the person does not change, walking away is the best option. But I’ve often wondered about lots of other behaviors that are annoying but not harmful. How do we deal with the annoying behaviors of others?  I have learned we do the same. We can ask people to change, but they are still in charge of themselves and if they choose to not change, we choose to ignore or walk away.

Walking away can look like a lot of things. We can go into the another room, we can leave a party where someone is being obnoxious, put on head phones so we don’t have to listen to annoying sounds, etc.

As the years wane, I began to ponder why people think it is their right to tell other people how to act when it isn’t harming them. I wonder why people think they must tell others how to dress (mostly modestly) how to think (it isn’t okay to think about sex) or how to feel (it isn’t okay to feel anger, jealousy or sadness). 

I run a support group and this is always a point of contention within the group, as people attempt to control others by telling them what behavior and feelings are acceptable and which ones are not. This causes the most contention within the group than anything else. I have learned a lot over the years as I had to moderate the group. I have learned this; that people have a right to their own self-determination over their own thoughts, feelings and behavior as long as they are not harming others.

It is when others attempt to control our thoughts, behavior or emotions that causes the greatest amount of friction in relationships.  We seek autonomy.  I see other’s attempt to control us through passive words, behavior, ideas as well as through aggressive words, behavior and ideas. People are not separate from their behavior, and to say their behavior is bad, wrong or in error, but they are not is the same as calling them bad, wrong or in error.

Such things as sulking, the silent treatment, yelling, or name calling are just a few ways people use to attempt to control other people’s behavior, emotions or thoughts.  Why is it so difficult to allow other people the autonomy to self-determination?

The definition of emotional abuse includes this: verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth."

So, when a person attempts to assert control over others, it is a form of emotional abuse. Each person needs to be able to determine for themselves, from the very small things, to the very large things. We can choose our sexual partners, when we are tired and need to rest. We get to choose how many children we are capable of having (or none at all), as well as which emotions we are feeling, from sadness to frustration to anxiety to anger to happiness. We get to choose our clothes, and even our laugh and sense of humor.  We choose our thoughts and ideas as well.

The Happiness Myth

 This is what I grew up believing, that if I wasn't happy, I should pretend I was. If I was in a miserable marriage, I should pretend the marriage was perfect. If I was having difficulty parenting, pretend everything is perfect. If I was unhappy being a stay at home Mom, fake being happy.

I should NOT, under any circumstances, get a divorce. I should endure the misery and then find my happiness in the next life. This made no sense to me. God really wanted me unhappy? Was happiness that elusive?

The Mormons believe that living the gospel is the one and only way to happiness. Yet, living the gospel is a very elusive thing, as I would learn. To live the gospel, a person must:
* read their scriptures, oh, but you must read them every day, but not only everyday, but with a meditative mind, seeking understanding and insight, open to the holy ghost, with the understanding that they are true and from god and any other answer simple isn't possible
*pray, oh, but not just pray, but in the morning, in the evening, say family prayers, couples prayers, with a mind that is focused and open to the promptings of the holy ghost
*have family home evenings, every Monday, have some fun activities, but teach your children the teachings of the church
*be modest, in thought, in word, in deed. Wear the temple garments day and night
*attend church, not just at Christmas time and Easter, like other religions, or once a month, but every Sunday. Be reverent, don't eat snacks, attend all 3 hours, don't be distracted by electronic devices, pay attention, listen, be reverent, set a good example for the children
*do your church calling, do it with excellence. Lengthen your stride. Never turn down a church calling. Never question whether a church calling is meant for you
* Never question your church leaders, from the general authorities, down to the bishop. When the bishop asks your teenage daughter if she has anal sex, do not question his motives.
*attend the temple, even if it is bat shit crazy, attend anyway. Even if it seems cult-like to dress up in bakers hats and robes and do secret handshakes and mimic cutting your throat, attend anyway.
*visit teach the women and home teach the families, then tattle tale on them to the leaders. Visit families that ask to not be visited, ignore boundaries and the families wishes to not be visited

The list goes on...and a person is to find happiness within all this and more. If a person isn't happy, then they are doing something wrong. Maybe they visited their family on the end of the month instead of on the first of the month. Maybe they turned down that nursery assignment. Maybe they just couldn't attend the temple that month because doing secret handshakes was just too much that month.

When I left the church, I found that happiness is not so elusive and I didn't have to fake it. If I was unhappy, that is okay. If I was angry, that is okay, too. None of my emotions are bad or good, they just are, they just exist. I don't have to fake any of them. By embracing each one as they come, I deal with them, I figure out why I'm angry, I face the reason why, I deal with it, find a solution, and life is that simple.

I have found that happiness is also not so elusive or difficult to attain.Happiness is quite simple. Sitting quietly with my kids watching TV or having a discussion about feminism; having my lover's arm around me after sex; looking at the beautiful colors of a sunset; having a good day at work; all these things make me happy. I have found that each day, I find happiness in something, and it is often something small that brings happiness.

Happiness isn't a mystery or a goal, it is product of living life.

Menace to Society

I'm sitting at a coffee shop at the Treefort music festival with my family and a friend, listening to emerging musical artists.  The music is grand. I marvel at the talent these artists have, at how many hours they have practiced, and how much support they have received from their parents and family and friends. I know a lot of money has been spent on equipment and lessons. They have come from all over, from San Francisco and Arkansas and Portland.

I watch the crowd of people listen to the music and wonder at how times have changed since I was in my 20's.  We didn't have disposable time to spend at such venues, for one thing. I'm glad at the change. It's a wonderful thing to enjoy the arts and appreciate the great music. How great to fill your life with joy and splendor and not always work and drudgery.

I watch these young men as they are enmeshed in the music. They feel the rhythm.  They move to the beat. They have changed since the youth I grew up with. There isn't this stiffness about them. They aren't afraid to express the emotion they feel when the music moves them. In my youth, the men would stand there, stoic and cool acting, as though the music had no effect on them whatsoever.  The change in this generation is good and I hope it only gets better.

There a meme going around facebook that says something to the effect that there's an entire generation growing up that wasn't spanked and they worry about this generation becoming the world's leaders. I worry about today's leaders that have learned that fear is the ultimate power and they lead by instilling in fear. I do not fear a generation that has learned love.

George Q. Cannon made the statement that a lot of unmarried 25 year old men are a menace to society. I see no menace here. Only appreciation and fun and happiness.

Young men who are able to express their emotions can only be a good thing...may it continue and make our society a safer and more peaceable place.

Spectrums

A spectrum is any entity that has common elements, but vary in their features.  Light waves exist on a spectrum, as do sound waves.

Some social features also exist on spectrums.  Autism is one of these. People with Autism have similar characteristics, but vary in how these features present themselves. For example, they all have difficulty communicating, but one person can have verbal skills that look like any other person's verbal skills, but they have difficulty expressing themselves when they are frustrated, angry or confused. Another person may have no verbal skills at all.

Many skills or social issues present themselves along spectrums. Sexuality for many people is thought of as a black and white issue, but for scientists, it is along a spectrum. People may fantasize about the opposite sex, or be bi-sexual, gay, androgynous, or an Aphrodite. Healthy spectrums include a variety of sexual origins and not just two.

Attachment is another issue along the spectrum.  When we are children, we are very attached to our parents and family of origin, but a healthy child will grow up and detach from them. If a healthy detachment is made, there will still be a connection there (provided that the family of origin is not too dysfunctional) but the adult will be able to forge their own way in life without the family of origin continuing to control finances, relationships, emotions or other similar issues.

The adult child should make decisions on their own, free of interference. If advice is needed, the adult child should feel comfortable seeking advice, but if the advice is rejected a healthy family of origin will not feel rejected.  If an adult child is too detached,  it is often due being shunned because they chose a different religion, a different career or other choices the family of origin didn't agree with or because the family of origin was dysfunctional and the adult child is distancing themselves in order to make healthier choices. If the family of origin attempts to control the adult child through money, emotions or relationships, then a healthy detachment is more difficult to make.

When in relationships, spending time together is also along a spectrum.  Before being in a relationship, people have their own friends. Many couples are able to maintain those friendships, but some couples enmesh so completely, they lose the connection they have with their former friends. Having separate activities and friendships outside of being a couple is also along a continuum. It is often healthier for the relationship to maintain other interests and friendships. It gives the couple something to talk about when they are together, it helps build trust when they trust each other to spend time with others. Too much time with others may lead to neglecting the relationship and the one or both of the couple may feel neglected.

People will often learn throughout their lifetimes. Some people are not open to new ideas. Some people put up defenses to new experiences, new ideas. Some people are open to change, others are rigid and resist change.

Emotions are neutral, they are neither good or bad. Emotions tell help us interpret experiences and aid us in bonding with people and animals. The emotions of guilt and shame help us to know when we have done something to hurt another person or animal, for instance. When we have brought harm to someone, we feel guilt or shame.  These emotions can be manipulated by others, however, and taken to the extreme where we feel guilty or shame for minor things, such as kissing, holding hands, or saying silly things. On the other end of the spectrum, someone who doesn't feel any guilt or shame when they hurt someone is known as a sociopath.


How about you? Where are you along the spectrums?

Gas lighting

I have been told recently that I must be full of anger and not a happy person because I write this blog. I write this blog, not because I live in the past and dwell on past hurts, but because I want to reach out to other women who may be in the same situation I was in. If I can help them find a way out and find the happiness I have found, I feel a duty to reach out to them.

I had been writing this blog for a while when I was sent a private message by someone who told me how much my blog had helped them.  If there is even one person I can reach, it is enough motivation to keep writing.

When I was married, I wanted the husband to call me once a day. He refused; when I tried to talk to him about it, he marginalized me, saying I was too emotional, too sensitive, too demanding of him.  When I asked him why he was an hour late coming home and hadn't called, he told me I was too emotional to discuss it with me.

It was always me being crazy and not his poor behavior that needed to change. I love, love, love this article; mostly because it is written by a man calling men on their bad behavior; Gas lighting.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-women-arent-crazy/

It is time that women be treated the same and fairly with men. When I write, I do not write because I am emotional or angry or unhappy. I write to educate and help people evolve into better human beings.

Buck it up, people.

If I Were God

If I were God

If I were God would I...
Make one man suffer for all the wrongs and sins of others?
Create humans in my image then call them unnatural and an enemy to myself?
Create humans in a fallen state when I call them the pinnacle of my creations?
Give them emotions and then say half those emotions are evil?
Give them reason and logic and then tell them to blindly obey?
Kill my creations through floods, earthquakes and tsunami's?
Create disease, birth defects and life long pain and suffering?
Give commandments to only a portion of my people that
are a requirement to return to my presence
thus damming the rest of my creations
to hell for simply being born to the
wrong parents and wrong
country and wrong
century?

Win-Lose

Everyone likes to win. In a bike race there can be only one winner. Even a second place winner is the loser. In relationships, however, there should not be winners and losers.  When two people do not see the problem the same, they argue, disagree, discuss, but hopefully they compromise, see the other  persons point of view, give and take, but there should not be winners and losers.

The best possible outcome is that both people win. Let’s say that the woman has been doing the dishes every night for a month and is tired and wants help. She sits down with the man and says she needs help, that it is one-sided. If he yells, says it is her problem, that he is NOT going to help, then they are in a win-lose situation. If they come to a settlement where she walks out and refuses to do dishes for the next month then they are in a lose-win situation. If they decide that the dishes will stack up for a week and then they will both do them they have come to a compromise. If they decide that they will both work together to do the dishes each night together and they will then get extra time to relax or have couple time then they are in a win-win situation.

Each time a situation like this came up in my marriage, I was put in a win-lose situation. The husband would yell at me, telling me it was my problem alone, I had to come up with the solution on my own and would then walk out on me.  He would not be part of any solution. He would not help with anything around the house, would not be part of a team effort, and would not help me with housework, with the children, with anything. I was always by myself in the marriage. He won by default.

I lost.