Emotional Constipation

Fear. What a driving emotion. People have a difficult time making the simplest commitments to dating, marriage, to a meaningful future based on fear of being emotionally intimate.  My ex and I were married for 20 years and in all those years he could not, would not be emotionally intimate with me on the shallowest level. I dated a man/boy for 2 years who went emotionally deeper, but even when I took marriage off the table, he could not, would not discuss the possibility of our having more than a dating relationship in our future.

What are some signs of emotional constipation? From my own experience as well as those of many of my friends, I have come up with this list. It comprises a spectrum of relationships; from a few dates, to dating for a few years to living together, to marriage. Just because a man commits to marriage does not mean he has made an emotional commitment. Sadly, I have learned this from experience. (Some women can also be susceptible to this disease):
*They do not call you when they say they will
*They say what a great time they had, but do not follow up with more dates, phone calls, etc.
*They are perpetually late or do not show up and have silly excuses
*They take from your well/reserves but do not fill your well up
*They will not stay the night
*Even though their words say one thing, you feel that they aren't that into you (trust the feeling) they are just keeping you on the hook until something else comes along; and something else always comes along; they are either ruminating on the one that got away or keeping the door open for someone else to come along. Living in the moment with you is not an option.
*They are hyper-critical of the smallest things
*They wait until you are asleep until they come to bed
*They insist you engage in their activities but will not engage in yours with you
*They talk endlessly about themselves but do not ask about you
*They will keep at least some aspect of their life from you- either a secret or will not allow you to participate in it
*They complain that they are low on money to spend on you while they spend money on frivolous things

Learn from me. Get a clue early in the relationship. Let them go. They will never change. They are not worth the value that you can give them. Find someone who will appreciate the fun and excitement and joy that you can bring into their life. There is a man out there who gets giddy when he sees you, can't wait to hear your voice, is not afraid to express his deep feelings for you.  I have seen it. I have experienced it. I know it exists. Embrace it when it happens to you.

Fear

I sit on the couch, surrounded by 4 men; the estranged husband and 3 church leaders. I thought that one of these men were on my side. Was I wrong. I had been struggling with what to believe about the Mormon Church.; I was having a crisis of faith. I had found out things. Terrible things and am struggling because of what I have learned. I had bishops admit to me that they do not make church callings based on being directed by the Holy Ghost as they tell everyone they do; but in fact what is easy, practical, logical, popular. I had told the estranged husband I wanted to attend some other Christian church. He told me he wouldn't follow me there. I had already decided that the Mormon Church could not be true but was keeping these thoughts to myself. I was not attending church. I was not raising my hand and sustaining these church men as my leaders. I had not renewed my temple recommend. I find out later that these men sitting in my house are not here to help me and support me through my crisis of faith, but to apply pressure. I found out later that the estranged husband has been in private communication with these men, turning them against me. Something he would continue to do with future bishops.

The one with the most power, the one who I thought was on my side, speaks. He tells me that I must submit to the husband and the bishop. I am shocked. He had previously told me that he was in my corner. I feel humiliated and horrified. I have been feeling lost and completely alone and have felt I have nowhere to turn and now the one man I thought would support me has turned on me. I tell him "No." I stand up and walk out. I am shattered. My sister once said that what others perceived as a breakdown was in fact a breakthrough. That is what this moment was for me. I got in my car and drove. I didn't know what I was going to do. My marriage was in a shambles. I didn't know where my faith was going to go from this point. I didn't have anyone to turn to; I felt I had no path to walk, I felt lost and all alone. This was the loneliest and lowest point in my life. In that car ride; I began to forge a new path. I turn around and drive back home.

Nobody likes to be forced into a corner with no options but to submit to another person's will. These men think they can use fear to get me to do what they want when love and acceptance would be the wiser choice. I decide from that moment on that I would not submit to fear; fear of losing my eternal reward (what god would have us follow him based on fear?); fear of losing my family; fear of losing everything unless I submitted to fallible men?

The definition of submit is:

sub·mit

  –verb (used with object)

1. to give over or yield to the power or authority of another.

2. to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.

3. to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit a  plan; to submit anapplication.

4. to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose (usuallyfol. by a clause): I submit  that full proof should be required.

Why is a man’s opinion, power or authority of any more value than mine? A man is as fallible as I am. Does being male make him more intelligent, his opinion, his power any better than mine?  I cannot understand submitting to another man who is as fallible as I am, who is as easily prone to mistakes as I am.  I cannot understand submitting to someone who is prone to controlling and manipulating.  We can teach each other and learn from each other, but we should not be required to submit to another.