Sunday, July 18, 2010


Everyone likes to win. In a bike race there can be only one winner. Even a second place winner is the loser. In relationships, however, there should not be winners and losers.  When two people do not see the problem the same, they argue, disagree, discuss, but hopefully they compromise, see the other  persons point of view, give and take, but there should not be winners and losers.

The best possible outcome is that both people win. Let’s say that the woman has been doing the dishes every night for a month and is tired and wants help. She sits down with the man and says she needs help, that it is one-sided. If he yells, says it is her problem, that he is NOT going to help, then they are in a win-lose situation. If they come to a settlement where she walks out and refuses to do dishes for the next month then they are in a lose-win situation. If they decide that the dishes will stack up for a week and then they will both do them they have come to a compromise. If they decide that they will both work together to do the dishes each night together and they will then get extra time to relax or have couple time then they are in a win-win situation.

Each time a situation like this came up in my marriage, I was put in a win-lose situation. The husband would yell at me, telling me it was my problem alone, I had to come up with the solution on my own and would then walk out on me.  He would not be part of any solution. He would not help with anything around the house, would not be part of a team effort, and would not help me with housework, with the children, with anything. I was always by myself in the marriage. He won by default.

I lost.

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