Healing

Loving
Wishing
Reaching
Hoping
Being Rejected.

Submitting
Doormat
Crying
Lonely
Awaiting Attention.

Trying
Forgiving
Turning
Caring
Being Ignored.

Refused
Disregarded
Neglected
Frustrated
Awaiting Acceptance.

Despair
Saddened
Discouraged
Disheartened
Being Dispensed.

Turning
Walking
Leaving
Praying
Feeling Sorrow.

Forgiving
Heartening
Expecting
Awaiting
Looking Forward.

Loving
Wishing
Reaching
Hoping
Moving Forward.

Satire

I love satire, I always have:
https://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0B9wZEnY-SHW-ZjQ4ZDI4ODktM2M4ZS00YjZlLWFjMTYtYmViYjgxZmNjNjQ2&hl=en

Marriage and Chess

I always had odd ideas about marriage.  Growing up; I didn’t see too many marriages that I wanted to emulate; certainly not my own parent’s or grandparent’s.  I would look at my friend’s marriages and didn’t see too much there that I liked. One of those marriages, the woman would say all the time that if she died, she didn’t want her husband to remarry. That disturbed me- why not? She was dead; he should be free to go on with his life- how controlling and jealous was she about other things- I had to wonder.    Then I would find out about men who were having long-term affairs with their secretaries for 13 years and I would wonder about the pain that must be causing for the entire family.

The marriages that seemed to work did so because compromises were made, they had each other’s backs, they backed each other up; they were on the same team no matter what.  They learned to see the other’s point of view, they learned to have empathy and that some things are more important than other things- like spending time together is more important than having a clean garage.

No, I didn’t want to get married. Then I met D*** and got married. It soon felt like a football game or chess match. I felt like we were on opposing teams. I had to out think him to survive; like I was always being outflanked; like he didn’t have my back even though I had his. Like if I scored a point then he lost (yet I wasn’t playing the game that he was, which really made for an unequal playing field).  This was confusing to me as I didn’t want our marriage to be this way.

Once, my friends were having a Christmas party. I dressed up, did my make-up extra nice.  The husband’s were invited. When we showed up and were doing the small talk thing, one of the women didn’t have her husband with her. I asked where he was. She explained he was away on business. I told her how nice it was that she felt comfortable coming without him. My passive-aggressive husband said,”Yeah, Alecia even complains when I travel.” I called him on it, since it wasn’t even true, I liked it when he was away, and my life was easier.  But the damage was done; he had called me a complaining bitch of a wife in front of my friends. 

Play. Match. Win.

I lose.

Is marriage just a chess game, like Men from Mars and Women from Venus, always on opposing teams, never the twain shall meet? Can the two sexes be team mates? Or are we destined to always be opposing each other?

I am an Adult

There was a surprise feeling I had when I went through my last separation and ultimately the divorce. I felt like a grown-up for the first time since the first few years of the marriage. It took me until this week to figure out why. I used to feel like a grown-up. What happened to make me feel like a child in my marriage and why did it take a divorce to make me feel like an adult again?

My Mom was a drill sergeant when it came to cleaning. I knew how to clean a house from when I was 6 years old. I began working when I was 11 years old. I bought all my clothes and school supplies. I put myself through college.  I had my own credit card that I paid off and did not carry a balance on since I was 20 years old.  I got college grants and paid rent and utility bills all on my own for years. (I do want to give credit to my brothers and sisters who did give me help on buying me car tires and groceries and giving me a job.)  I cleaned my own apartments and got along with roommates.  Even when I was married, I had a child, worked a job, finished college, pulled a 4.0, fixed dinner, cleaned the house and took care of my child with little help from the husband. I was a very responsible adult. Yet increasingly I began to feel like a child.

As I was left to be solely responsible for raising the children and keeping the house clean, there were other things that I could not have any responsibility for that I had grown up taking care of since I was a child. I had earned my own money and been responsible for how I spent that money since a young girl. Yet now, in marriage, I was suddenly not being allowed to be responsible to work. Eventually the husband would not allow me any insight into the finances. 

When I cleaned, the husband refused to help with the house work, but would follow me around and tell me how to clean. When I was left on my own to clean, he would show his displeasure with dirty kitchen counters or dusting not being done in a week, or the vacuuming wasn’t done to his liking. Although I refused to do any of this to his unusual standards and I would insist that if he didn’t like it, he could do it himself (he never did); the result was that I felt like a child that had to be micro-managed. I was even told I could not hold an opinion without it being wrong. His mother would tell me how to parent and how to be a good wife. I never felt good enough for anyone.

I felt like I could do nothing on my own. That I could not succeed on my own; despite evidence to the contrary.

When I got out on my own, I was paying my own bills, working my own job, getting myself to work. I am feeling like an adult again. I learned what I knew about myself all long—I am an adult, not a child. I always was. It was the husband who didn’t believe in me. It is a wonderful feeling to believe in me and have others who trust me to act as an adult.

Being an adult does not mean you are perfect, it means you can be trusted to make responsible decisions. This is me.

Child Support

What is child support supposed to cover? It is supposed to cover the expenses associated with raising a child, such as food, clothing, housing, household bills such as electrical, water, gas bill, etc. This is how most states write their laws, including the state that I live in. It requires a lot of trust for a man to just sign over the money to the ex-wife to trust that the money he is paying is going to be spent on his children as there is no mandate in the law that he gets any accountability as to how the money is spent.

In most cases, however, the child support money doesn't even come close to covering the expenses associated with raising the children. If I were to rely on only the money sent to me, I would end up homeless and declaring bankruptcy because I cannot even afford to buy a decent amount of clothes for them. I rarely treat me and the kids to dinner (what a luxury)  I take my kids out to a movie about every 3 months, and that is usually the dollar movie as that is all I can afford.

the ex, on the other hand, complains bitterly about how much money he pays in child support. He tells me and others that it is close to half his income (it isn't even close), that it is breaking him, (he is even how investing in 2 rental homes). He goes out to a movie and dinner every weekend and drives a new Toyota SVU. He has been to Hawaii, California, Utah and Africa in the last 3 years on vacations. He has also spent well over $30,000 in legal fees suing me over the last 3 years. Hardly sounds like someone who is suffering financially. I don't care how much money he has or how he spends it, except that he keeps suing me and tells my children that I am NOT spending the child support money on them.

This makes me angry like nobodies business! In the first place, how would he know? I do not make an accounting to him on how I spend the money as I do not communicate with him. In the second place, I live below the poverty line: http://aspe.hhs.gov/poverty/09computations.shtml
I could in no way support my children on what I make at my job. I must, in fact, send the ex a copy of my tax return each year. He knows how little I make in my job. I cannot pay my regular, everyday bills without child support! For him to then go and tell my children I am not spending any of the child support money on them makes me angry all over again! My children have a roof over their heads. They have food, clothes, their electrical bill has never been turned off. They have running water. When their cars break down I pay for repairs. I pay car insurance and a cell phone bill. What the hell have I NOT provided for my children???!!!

It makes me angry that I must spend part of my precious, hard-earned money each and every year defending myself from his frivolous lawsuits, and that I have had to continue to do so for the last 3 years. I would have more money to spend on him if he would stop suing me. His children are thriving. They are secure. That ought to be enough for him. It is time to get over the anger, to accept that I am a responsible adult. I manage money well- Hell I always have, I do very well on the little that I have. The kids are fine. Get over yourself. Move On!

Taking Responsibility for Me

During my marriage, I was very unhappy and frustrated. The husband was emotionally distant, refused to discuss any issues and then they became huge problems.  The Mormon Church’s response was to suggest that it was my entire fault, since the man is superior to women and women are to submit to the man. 

So this is what I did. I submitted to him. For the first 10 years I kept our finances in order. I had money in savings and had all our credit cards paid off. When I begged and begged for his help around the house, the only thing he would take over was the finances. His idea was to put secret passwords on the checking account, shut me out completely, not consult me, not have a budget, exhaust our savings, over-extend our checking account and run up our credit cards. Many of or accounts were not paid on time.  When I confronted him with the terrible shape our finances were in, he blamed me by asking where all the money that had been in savings had gone (like it was my fault-what?).

 I was told by the Mormon Church to lower my expectations. He already wasn’t helping with any household chores except the yard work and taking out the garbage.  I had been asking him to call me once a day from work to make an emotional connection. I asked him to call me once a week. He wouldn’t even do that.

I was told by the Mormon Church that I needed to love him more, that I must not be loving him enough. So I would open my heart more. I suggested we travel together. We traveled as a couple, we traveled as a family, and we traveled with friends. I suggested date night. He participated in all this, but it did not bring us closer. I did not get credit for it, either.  Once, before one of these trips I told him I felt like we didn’t know each other. His response was to get to know him- not once did he suggest that he get to know me.

The Moron Church asked me to stay home. I did, for 15 years. Even though I had a college degree. Even though I wished to work. I did all that was asked of me. Yet, my marriage did not improve.

Why? This is the question the Mormon counselor never asked in counseling. I have been brave enough to ask. The answer: because I was not allowed to be my authentic self. I was asked to play a role that was not true to me. Because one role does not fit all; because I was unhappy and frustrated and this core problem was never addressed in the marriage Mormon counseling. Why? Because I was expected to fit one roll in the Mormon Church and a Mormon marriage and it didn’t fit me; because none of my issues were addressed in the marriage Mormon counseling.

Being submissive doesn’t work. Lowering expectations doesn’t work. Giving up your authentic self doesn’t work. Giving up your dreams and hopes doesn’t work. Loving someone who doesn’t love you in return doesn’t work (you can’t love them into loving you back). I lived in a marriage that was a lie. I was in denial. It doesn’t work. I must own that.

Win-Lose

Everyone likes to win. In a bike race there can be only one winner. Even a second place winner is the loser. In relationships, however, there should not be winners and losers.  When two people do not see the problem the same, they argue, disagree, discuss, but hopefully they compromise, see the other  persons point of view, give and take, but there should not be winners and losers.

The best possible outcome is that both people win. Let’s say that the woman has been doing the dishes every night for a month and is tired and wants help. She sits down with the man and says she needs help, that it is one-sided. If he yells, says it is her problem, that he is NOT going to help, then they are in a win-lose situation. If they come to a settlement where she walks out and refuses to do dishes for the next month then they are in a lose-win situation. If they decide that the dishes will stack up for a week and then they will both do them they have come to a compromise. If they decide that they will both work together to do the dishes each night together and they will then get extra time to relax or have couple time then they are in a win-win situation.

Each time a situation like this came up in my marriage, I was put in a win-lose situation. The husband would yell at me, telling me it was my problem alone, I had to come up with the solution on my own and would then walk out on me.  He would not be part of any solution. He would not help with anything around the house, would not be part of a team effort, and would not help me with housework, with the children, with anything. I was always by myself in the marriage. He won by default.

I lost.

Happiness

Sitting

Watching a sunset

Looking at my love

Being held tenderly

Arms around me

Falling asleep

Quiet.

Walking

Holding hands

Telling silly secrets

Giving a warm hug

Having hope

Listening

Kiss.

Talking

Sharing pasts

Learning new quirks

Accepting their pain

Hurting feelings

Thinking

Pain.

Sorrow

Forgiveness

Accepting grief

Embracing sorrow

Letting go

Be still

Peace.

I see no logic where I once saw it

Christianity: The belief that a perfect man/god made a sacrifice to save imperfect people.

Mormonism: The belief that a perfect man/god made a sacrifice to save imperfect people; then adds the level where imperfect men are necessary to bring salvation to women.

Push-me Pull-you

This is the one thing in my marriage I ruminated on the most that I could not deal with and begged the husband to change. I realize now that this is what he thrived on and kept him going since it kept the drama alive, reminding him of his childhood. Although children of dysfunctional homes will tell you they want to escape it; this is what feels comfortable to them, this is what they know, and unless they actively change what they know, they seek what is comfortable to them, they create patterns of familiarity.

 We would be going on; being happy, then he would begin to pull away from me emotionally. He would refuse to call me from work. Then he would be late coming home without a phone call. Then he would refuse to spend time with me and the kids after dinner. Then he would refuse to go to bed until after I was already asleep. This pattern would repeat itself until I would do something; try and talk to him, complain, write him a letter, cry. Then he would tell me I was too emotional, too needy, too something; I was the one expecting too much.

This was the game; the push-me pull-you game. Push-me away, pull you closer once you create some sort of drama about it. He would then do something to placate me, but only temporarily. There would be peace in our relationship for a time, and then the cycle would repeat itself. The cycle of him pushing away emotionally became longer and longer.

 It is a game a person plays who tries to manipulate the emotions of others. The game a person plays that is emotionally abusive. The game a person plays who doesn’t know how to take responsibility for their own behavior.

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

Empathy

The dictionaries definition of em·pa·thy [em-puh-thee] –noun the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.

 

When the estranged husband received the divorce papers, he was very angry. I was surprised by his reaction. He did tell me he could not be with me. What else did he expect? The month before, he had let me know he had hired a divorce attorney. I only hired one in reaction to his getting one; to protect myself.  I fully expected to be served by his attorney first.

We talked about it. He said he had written a letter detailing his faults in the marriage (I never received such a letter; I doubt he ever wrote such a thing). I had repeatedly told him what I needed from him to make the marriage work. He was unwilling to give this to me. He told me now what he expected from me to make the marriage work. He said (and I quote exactly), “I have no empathy for you. I have never had empathy for you. I will never have any empathy for you. That is the condition that you accept us staying together.” I could not believe he was saying this. I told him this was unacceptable. He was angry that I was saying no to his ultimatum. 

When people have asked me what he meant by this ultimatum, my interpretation has been that even though he told me in the marriage that he loved me, he truly did not. How could he love me and not identify with my feelings? How could he love me and not understand my thoughts? Here he was telling me he never would put any effort into it, either.

Whenever he files another lawsuit against me, his words come ringing back into my ears. I believe that was the only time he was ever truly honest with me.

The Set-up/Pull-down Cycle

Recently I received a letter from my ex with this sticky note on it, ‘The IRS requires this form to formalize my claiming #####’s (one of my children) exemption from 2009 onward. Please sign Part 1 and Part II, make a copy and mail it back to me in the envelope provided. Thanks in advance, ####

Ok.  So I contacted my lawyer to make sure I was signing something I should be signing. My lawyer told me it was ok. Two weeks later, I get a text from the ex threatening to file a contempt charge against me if I didn’t send him the paper in 2 days (note, the sticky note did not give me a date to have the paper returned to him). This was funny since there is nothing in the divorce decree saying I have to sign this paper so he can’t file contempt charges against me. Why doesn’t he just ask me in a nice way? Why does he have to threaten me? I respond quite well to kindness.  Ask anyone.

I have talked to several divorced people and some of the advice I have received is to take the high road. Be better than the ex. Do not stoop to their level. No matter how much you want to retaliate, do not. Let them get the last word in. Do not respond to their anger. Do not respond in kind.  Be better than them.  I did so now. Instead of waiting to return the letter out of spite, I returned the letter exactly when he demanded that I return it.

Then the burn. I receive two text messages from him, a few minutes apart. The first text is the Set-up:  ‘Thank you for returning the letter.’  The second text is the pull-down:  ‘Unfortunately it was too late for me to apply for my tax return’.  I laughed and laughed. First of all, this is a lie. This all happened in July, well past April, so he had already filed an extension, and a person can file multiple extensions. Second, this was so indicative of our marriage. He would set me up, only to pull me down.

He would give me a compliment, ‘You look beautiful’ only to pull me down, ‘unfortunately the house is a mess.’ Or this one, ‘I need dinner ready at 6:00 so we have lots of time to spend together’ only to not show up till 7:00 with no phone call or explanation as to why he was late. This was the rollercoaster of our marriage. I’m so glad I do not have to put up with that behavior anymore.

Promises

When we got engaged, we had endless conversations about what we wanted in the marriage. At least that is what I thought at the time. I went on and one about how I wanted a marriage of equals. I wanted a husband who would vacuum, do the laundry, help with the dishes and when we had children he would get up with the child at night. To me, this was a marriage of equals. If we had girls then he would hug them, talk to them, and let them know they were loved. He would help them with their homework, teach them how to be treated by a man, comfort them, and change diapers. He agreed to all of this. At least I thought he did. After years of marriage, what I would come to find out is that when he wants me to think he is agreeing with me but in reality doesn’t agree with me at all, he just shakes his head at me and does his own thing anyway.

When I got pregnant he was so excited he was jumping up and down. He had sympathy morning sickness.  When the baby girl was born, he did not hold her except for rarely, refused to let her stay in our room for fear that she would interfere with our sex life, and he refused to get up at night when she cried. He would not take turns taking her at church. I had such a difficult delivery that I couldn’t even walk out of the hospital. He refused to even take one day off work to stay home with me to help me.  I couldn’t even walk from the bedroom to the bathroom by myself, but he couldn’t stay home to help me.  Each of the following child births would be similar. He never took one single day off work to help me.

I was sick in bed for 5 months with each pregnancy. He wouldn’t help with the laundry, the cooking or cleaning. I couldn’t get out of bed to take care of the kids, but he wouldn’t help with them or the house.

After the 3^rd and last child was born, I was so discouraged by his lack of support and care; I moved out of our bed and bedroom and moved into the nursery. I stayed there for well over a two months.

Promises broken.

Bridges and Walls

When I was a child

I lived in a meadow

I built bridges to others

Who also lived in meadows.

We lived so open and free

The meadows were very beautiful

The sky above was endless

The flowers bloomed all year



We crossed unimpaired to each other’s meadows

Over the bridges that connected us

To each others’ meadows

Sharing in each other’s fun

Sharing in each other’s pain

We rolled together in the flowers

Watching the clouds go by

Never counting the hours

Never thinking of tomorrow



Then against our wishes

We grew into adulthood

We took on adult responsibilities

We worked to build our lives

But instead of building

Bridges—

We build castle walls instead

These are lovely castle walls

With tall walls made of brick

Furnished with the best of things



We build motes round about

And some built a bridge over the mote

With a draw bridge

Which we pull up at night

To make us feel safe and snug.

Our neighbors—but not too close

Also build a fence, because

Fences make good neighbors,

You know

We prune the hedges

To give the appearance of pleasantness

Gone are the days of Bridges

And meadows crossed freely

And open hearts and open minds

Shared freely

Replaced by closed walls

And closed hearts and

Suspicious minds expecting

Pain and ulterior motives

Oh! To be that child again!

Loving, feeling, and openly being!

Trusting and being trusted just for being me

Open meadows and building bridges

Leading to open hearts and fulfilled lives.

Passive-Aggressive

There were signs. I just didn’t see them. I thought that since we didn’t fight when we dated or when we were engaged that was a good thing; that we got along beautifully. Little did I know. When we were talking about getting married I told him I wanted to pick out my ring, after all, I was the one who would be wearing it so I wanted something I would like for the rest of my life. He didn’t object; at least, not openly. This would be how things would play out the rest of our marriage. Little did I know.

We went together to pick the ring out. I found one I liked. The Salesman wrote down the number identifying the ring. The time came to propose in Arizona. He was going to propose so my family could be a part of the experience. He refused to propose at that time. Instead he placed the ring in his insulin bag and without my knowledge asked me to carry it around for days. For years to come, when people would ask how we got engaged, this is the only part of the story that he would tell; how he made me carry around my own ring without proposing to me. He thought it was funny—humiliating me like that.

We drove to Utah. He told me he was going to reserve a horse-drawn carriage and propose to me there. He built up my hopes. He drove me downtown. We walked around. He then told me he didn’t reserve the carriage. He drove me up a hill and proposed to me in his car. I was very disappointed. When I saw the ring I was even more disappointed; it wasn’t the ring I had chosen.

It took me years of marriage to figure out that all this was intentional. It was designed to control me; to allow him to be in control in a passive-aggressive way. He would repeat these behaviors in the marriage. He was not being ignorant or thoughtless. He set me up in Arizona and again in Utah, telling me his big plans of how he was going to propose to me, and then knocking me down by making it uneventful. He set me up by making me think I was getting the ring of my choice then knocked me down by substituting one of his choice that I didn’t choose or like.

Twenty years later when I was finally contemplating whether the marriage could be saved or not, we were separated and he called me on Valentine’s Day and told me there was a gift for me at the house. I went to see what it was. There on the table was a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Very expensive. My hopes were raised. He didn’t buy me a Christmas gift, after all- so maybe this meant there was hope. There was a card. I opened it. The card read, ‘A****, I love you but I honestly can’t be with you.’ Who tells someone with flowers that they can’t be with them?!

What the f**?! Is he really setting me up only to pull me down again? I couldn’t believe he is still playing this game with me, after 3 years of marriage counseling, after me telling him I couldn’t do this roller coaster in the marriage anymore! The next day I told my attorney to file the divorce papers.

Secrecy

We all have secrets, right? We don’t tell everything to everyone in our lives. We don’t tell our best friend that we went out with another friend the night before without her because she just wouldn’t fit in, yet we didn’t want to not go and miss out on a boat load of fun. We don’t tell our spouse about our entire past before we met them. It’s in the past, after all.

There are some secrets that should not be kept in a marriage, however, and do cause irreparable damage. The last ten years of our marriage, the husband began keeping secrets, and they grew and grew, to the point that I could not get past them, and they destroyed our marriage.

The husband took over the finances all on his own. He put secret passwords on the checking account. All though I had a debit card and a checkbook, I did not have access to how much money was in the checking account and if we were being overdrawn or not. I did not know how much money was coming in and how much money was going out. I did not know how much money he was making. I did not have access to our investments. I begged and begged. He would sit down with me when I would get on him and go over the budget, but he did tricky things making it impossible for anyone to understand the budget. He had taken every bill such as the utilities and separated out the taxes so that I could not even understand how much money was being paid on household expenses. He was sabotaging me so that I would give up.

Then more secrets. I found out about at least 15 secret e-mail accounts. Then he put secret passwords on his cell phone. Then when he traveled he stopped telling me his room number so that I could not call his room directly and could only reach him on his cell phone. Then he began receiving phone calls at midnight. He would take his cell phone into the other room and then come back to bed stating that it was a wrong number. Did he think I believed him? Who goes into the other room to answer a wrong number? Then I found out about his 5 secret post office boxes.

When I would confront him he would tell me I was insecure. It was my issue. He had a right to his privacy. I was over reacting. It was all me. He was doing nothing wrong.

In marriage counseling he refused to discuss these secrets. The marriage counselor was too much of a wimp to hold him accountable. To this day I do not even know what he was keeping secret. With some objectivity, I believe it was one of two things; he was either having an affair or multiple affairs or he was just trying to manipulate me into thinking he was having an affair to make me insecure and look like an out-of-control idiot. Either way, I am glad I am out. What kind of marriage is that? An emotionally abusive kind.

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/

Responsibility

Five years into my marriage, our checking account was continually overdrawn. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get a handle on it. For months, this went on. I finally did an in-depth analysis of our checking account. It turned out that there were consistent withdrawals from my husband’s ATM card every few days. These withdrawals were for $20, $40, $60. It was throwing our balance off, and since it wasn’t in the budget or accounted for, it was overdrawing our account.

I waited for the dinner to be done, the dishes to be cleaned, my child to be in bed to talk to him about it and find a solution. I approached the subject like it was our problem and our solution. When it became apparent to him that he was the one causing the problem, however, he became irritated and yelled at me and told me that it was my problem and I alone was to find a solution and he stormed out of the room. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe he wouldn’t sit down and discuss this as an adult with me; that he would put the entire burden and blame on me! I cried. It took a few weeks, but I did come up with a solution on my own. I came up with the idea of a slush fund. I gave him a cash fund for him to spend each month and I got a slush fund each month. We were not accountable to each other for this money—we could spend it on anything we wanted. Then we had a mutual slush fund we would spend on eating out/movies, etc.

This worked well; until I discovered he was cheating the system. Each time he filled his car up with gas; he would not pay at the pump, but go inside and pay and get extra cash. This became the norm for the marriage. He would never discuss any issue in the marriage. He blamed me for everything. Every issue was mine to solve on my own. He cheated the system at every chance he got.

Recently he took our daughter on vacation. While on vacation, he took her to the water park. He did not put sunscreen on her. She came home with a terrible sunburn. I was horrified and sent him a text asking him how he could be so irresponsible. He texted me back, blaming me. How was it possibly my fault? I had bought her the season pass to the water park for her birthday! He will never change; no matter how far he has to stretch his imagination, he will find some way to blame me for his mistakes and his failures.

Truth?

“A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.”

- Oscar Wilde

There are two kinds of happiness

There is the short-term, the pleasure seeking that we get from a compliment, a vacation. Then there is the long-term, the deep contentment that we seek; the peace, joy. How do we maintain that through sorrow?

This podcast has helped me stop chasing happiness and sit still and let it find me.

http://zencast.org/zencast_260_two_kinds_of_happiness

Mormons are that they will talk about joy, while being utterly bloody miserable.

Daryl

I Have No Voice

I Have No Voice

I Speak

I am not heard

I whisper softly

I am not listened to

I speak Louder

Nobody hears a word I say

I YELL, I hope louder will help

He turns his back and walks away

I am not listened to.

I express an opinion

He tells me how my opinion is wrong

I back up my opinion with logic

He degrades me with sarcasm

I back my opinion up with facts

He belittles me by being passive-aggressive

I tell him how we can integrate our two opinions

He can only see his opinion is right and mine is wrong

I have no opinion.

I say words

My words are not listened to

I give opinions

My opinions are thrown aside

I have tried in every way possible

To be heard

To whisper

To yell

To talk

To listen first

To express with deep feeling

I am left with NOTHING

I HAVE NO VOICE

I am nothing.

What does it feel like to be in a marriage where you are not allowed to work, to speak you mind, to be an equal? This is what it feels like. Thank god I am out.

Divorce Sucks, Move On

I didn’t want a divorce. I avoided it. I went to marriage counseling for 3 years to save a hopeless marriage just to avoid divorce. It was inevitable, the divorce. Once it was obvious that there was no hope, I accepted it. I grieved for the loss of the marriage, for the loss of hope, for failure.

He did not get over it. From appearances it looked as if he had- he got married 5 months after we divorced. Yet for the last three years he has sued me to lower child support, to not pay a portion of child support, has attempted to take my house away from me; has refused to sell the house that he and I owned together that the divorce decree stated must be sold; is attempting to take my car away from me. This is not the actions of someone who is moving on but the actions of someone who is bitter and angry and bent on making me pay for leaving a very unhappy marriage.

We just weren’t compatible with each other. I wanted a marriage of equals and an emotionally connected partner; he wanted a wife of submission and a caretaker of his needs. There was no way of compromising between our two viewpoints. I could not see that when we were married. I can see that now.

The silly marriage counselor thought our marriage could be saved. Why? Because the husband showed up on time to appointments. What? What does that have to do with anything? There was no saving that marriage. I am at peace with not being able to save it. The ex is not. He is still obsessing over minor details such as to how much money was spent on a bed frame when we were married. The sad part is, the more energy he puts into seeking revenge against me, the less energy he is putting into his current marriage. I hope he finds his peace some day.

Ten Simple Things We Can Do To Change the World Today

1. 1. Donate $25 to Kiva.org to help women and families in third world nations support their families.

2. 2, Grow a garden for your own family.

3. 3. Donate your surplus from your garden to http://ampleharvest.org/ other’s may have fresh produce and your surplus zucchini won’t go to waste.

4. 4. Tell your children and family each opportunity that you love them and something positive about them. Focus on the positive and not on how they can improve/are disappointing you.

5. 5. Look behind you. When going through doors at stores, look behind you and see if there is someone you can keep the door open for.

6. 6. Call someone up and tell them you were thinking about them.

7. 7. Let go of an old grievance. Forgive a past mistake. Stop ruminating an old hurt. Look to the future. Live for today. Forgive yourself.

8. 8. Walk a mile instead of driving your car.

9. 9. Donate your surplus clothing and household items to your local non-profit.

10.10. If you see an injustice, don’t remain silent. Speak up.