Escaping

Only those who have escaped an abusive relationship know how difficult it is getting out. Those who have never experienced it don't understand why those who stay defend the abuser. Partly why is because they are defending their own life choices. I left 2 abusive situations. My marriage and the church:

Defining Abuse

Using Isolation

- Controlling what she or he does, who she/he sees and talks to, what she/he reads, where she/he goes
- Limiting her/his outside involvement
- Using jealousy/guilt to justify actions

Minimizing Denying and Blaming

- Making light of the abuse and not taking her/his concerns about it seriously
- Saying the abuse didn't happen
- Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior
- Saying she/he caused it

Using Male/Female Privilege

- Treating her/him like a servant
- Making all the big decisions
- Acting like the "master of the castle"
- Being the one to define men's and women's roles

Using Economic Abuse

- Preventing her/him from getting or keeping a job
- Making her/him ask for money
- Giving her/him an allowance
- Taking her/his money
- Not letting her/him know about or have access to family income

 Using Intimidation

- Making her/him afraid by using looks, actions, gestures

Using Emotional Abuse

- Putting her/him down
- Making her/him feel bad about her- or himself
- Calling her/him names
- Making her/him think she's crazy
- Playing mind games
- Humiliating her/him
- Making her/him feel guilty

http://www.domesticabuseshelter.org/images/wpe6.jpg

The words of leaders in the church condemn themselves:

Abuse in Mormonism

Using Isolation

- Controlling what she or he does, who she/he sees and talks to, what she/he reads, where she/he goes

o "Teaching some things that are true, prematurely or at the wrong time, can invite sorrow and heartbreak instead of the joy intended to accompany learning.... The scriptures teach emphatically that we must give milk before meat. The Lord made it very clear that some things are to be taught selectively and some things are to be given only to those who are worthy." Boyd K. Packer

 o "Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints." Temple Recommend Question

  

 - Making all the big decisions

- Acting like the "master of the castle"

o Doctrine and Covenants 132: 52 "And let mine handmaid, Emma Smith, receive all those that have been given unto my servant Joseph, and who are virtuous and pure before me; and those who are not pure, and have said they were pure, shall be destroyed, saith the Lord God."

Using Economic Abuse

- Preventing her/him from getting or keeping a job

o "The Lord clearly defined the roles of mothers and fathers in providing for and rearing a righteous posterity. In the beginning, Adam--not Eve--was instructed to earn the bread by the sweat of his brow. Contrary to conventional wisdom, a mother's calling is in the home, not in the market place.

In a home where there is an able-bodied husband, he is expected to be the breadwinner. Sometimes we hear of husbands who, because of economic conditions, have lost their jobs and expect their wives to go out of the home and work even though the husband is still capable of providing for his family. In these cases, we urge the husband to do all in his power to allow his wife to remain in the home caring for the children while he continues to provide for his family the best he can, even though the job be is able secure may not be ideal and family budgeting will have to be tighter." Ezra Taft Benson

o "Women are to take care of the family--the Lord has so stated--to be an assistant to the husband, to work with him, but not to earn the living, except in unusual circumstances. Men ought to be men indeed and earn the living under normal circumstances" Spencer W. Kimball

- Giving her/him an allowance

- Taking her/his money

  

o "You and each of you covenant and promise before God, angels, and these witnesses at this altar, that you do accept the law of consecration as contained in this, the book of Doctrine and Covenants [he displays the book], in that you do consecrate yourselves, your time, talents, and everything with which the Lord has blessed you, or with which he may bless you, to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, for the building up of the kingdom of God on the earth and for the establishment of Zion." Endowment Ceremony

Using Emotional Abuse

- Putting her/him down

- Making her/him feel bad about her- or himself

- Calling her/him names

- Making her/him think she's crazy

- Playing mind games

- Humiliating her/him

- Making her/him feel guilty

o 2 Nephi 9: 46 "...that ye may not shrink with awful fear; that ye may not remember your awful guilt in perfectness, and be constrained to exclaim: Holy, holy are thy judgments, O Lord God Almighty-but I know my guilt; I transgressed thy law, and my transgressions are mine; and the devil hath obtained me, that I am a prey to his awful misery."

Why is it NOT ok for a spouse to act this way, but it is ok for a church to act this way?

I escaped, but I still suffer. Not often, but sometimes. Healing takes time.