I have been introspective a lot lately. I have had to be. I have had to critically wonder if I did anything to attract this last man into my life. Was I emotionally unhealthy? What did I do to attract such a toxic person to me in the first place? I feel emotionally healthy. I don't feel desperate. I love myself and don't feel any voids in my life. This is why it has been especially perplexing to me that this person came into my life. I wasn't even looking for anyone to date at the time. I wasn't on any dating websites, when I attended social events, I went with my guy friends so that men wouldn't hit on me.
I tend to be kind, generous, giving, and give people the benefit of the doubt and this is all enticing to people who like to press the boundaries. They are drawn to people like me, they see someone they can take advantage of, someone they can take from with little regard to giving equally in return.
It has taken several failed relationships for me to realize that there is nothing wrong with me as to why people are attracted to me...as I attract givers as well as takers to me.
That said, I do have some ownership with how a relationship progresses to the point that I feel abused, used, and taken advantage of. When a person pushes my boundaries, my belief system has said that it is better for the relationship to allow them to do this to me (it's better to get along and not make waves). I have let people push me, to take from me, and I give when the other receives to the point that the relationship ends up where there is no more compromise, but instead a taker and a giver; a winner and a loser.
At this point, I want to back up the relationship and take back my space, my rights and demand my boundaries be returned. The problem that now exists is that the other person is used to stepping all over me, and have come to expect this and has no motivation to give back all the boundaries they have taken.
I need have an electric fence at the property line instead of when they break into my house....this is what I'm learning about myself...I let people slowly step on me, until they get too far, then when I say, 'hey, back up, that is uncomfortable' they say, 'but you let me into your yard and onto your patio, now I'm coming in the front door!'
I now understand that my ownership is at the very beginning of the relationship...I cannot allow the other person to cross that very first line or boundary that makes me feel uncomfortable. I must hold them accountable and responsible and demand they respect my boundary instead of letting them trample my grass.I cannot expect the other person to be like me, to respect people as I respect them.
When a person is telling me about their history and are vague on the details or the details don't add up, I will not remain silent. When a person says they are committed to me, yet they don't call when they say they will, or don't come over when say they will, I will hold them accountable instead of remain silent. When a person is caught in a lie, I will hold them to the truth rather than allow them to tell me they love me and wiggle out. When a person's habits, such as drinking becomes a concern and I want to have a serious discussion with them, but they minimize it or blame or refuse help, I will choose to leave the relationship rather than hope they will change in the future.
I will not allow my first line of defense or my boundary to be crossed. This is for their benefit, also. When a person crosses the boundaries of another person, they have learned to disrespect another person. It isn't in their best interest to treat other people with disrespect.
Boundary Bill of Rights
*I will not allow others to knowingly lie to me.
*When a person's words and behavior do not match up, I will believe their behavior over their words.
*I will no longer give people the benefit of the doubt.
*If people want to be in my life, they must earn it through respect.
*When someone's behavior steps over my boundary and they are told, they will have the choice to step back or get out of my life.
Keep off the grass!