Saturday, December 18, 2010


I have known since childhood many of the secrets of the mormon church.  Many of these truths they try and hide from their current membership by telling them to avoid the internet, they suggest that if they avoid the internet they will avoid such evils as pornography, but  what the church is really afraid of is their members finding out its true history and leaving, just as the members are leaving in droves.  Yet, I have often wondered why, since knowing so many of these awful things about the mormon church, why did I stay so long?  I have pondered this question countless times and trying to find the answer to this is one of the reasons I maintain this blog.
I have known about its teaching of Kolob:
I knew about Joseph practicing polygamy and that Emma was not always on board with it, and in fact was in conflict with it and therefore in conflict with D&C 132 which states that she must give her constent:
I knew about  the racist teaching of the leaders of the mormon church: Mark of Cain
I knew that they taught a blood atonement:
I have asked myself, ‘Why did I stay?” I have addressed this in other blog posts. Yet, I have not been satisfied with my conclusions.  I was so unhappy in the mormon church. I questioned what I was taught. I taught gospel doctrine class and taught many things that were in contradiction to the official church stance.  I was even told at one point to stop teaching because I had strayed from the lesson material.  I had been in a state of cognitive dissonance for many years.
I had stopped attending church on a regular basis.  I openly questioned the leaders as to their ‘inspiration’ they received. Yet, I did not fully walk away.  Why? I had an epiphany this morning.  I was only able to fully walk away when everything I hold dear was threatened to be taken away from me.  My marriage was falling apart, I was losing my home, living out of a suitcase, sleeping on a mattress on a floor, my children were sleeping on the floor living out of their suitcases, we had no furniture, I hadn’t worked in 15 years.  I didn’t know how I was going to financially support myself and them.
Only when I was losing everything which I  valued; my marriage, my family, my spirituality, was I able to face the one thing I feared that I was not able to face before; that I could be wrong.
I could be wrong about everything that I was ever taught. I was taught that if women will only love their men enough that they will be loved back.  I was taught that If you submit in marriage you will be happy.  I was taught that the only place to find happiness was within the mormon church.  I was taught that the only place to have an eternal family was within the mormon church.  I was taught that the only place to find truth was within the mormon church. 
When I was able to face an opposing view, I could toss out my old belief system and learn many truths that contradicted what I had been taught my entire life that was not true.  Truth is not found in a small, insignificant church that makes up only .01% of the world’s population, that is diminishing with each year.

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