Change

"You can't change what you don't acknowledge"-- Dr. Phil

As I often heard him say this and as I have thought on this over the last few weeks of my life; I have new found meaning for this.  I was dating someone, someone who lied to me; someone who cheated on me.  This person also cheated on his first wife, married the person he was having an affair with within 6 months of getting a divorce. Of course, that second marriage didn't last, as it was not built on trust or mutual respect.

This person has never acknowledged cheating on his first wife. He is not acknowledging that he cheated on me.  You can't change a behavior that you don't acknowledge. He will likely repeat this behavior in the future.

Can people change?  Are people bound to repeat past behaviors?  I believe people can change. I have changed many things about me, but it requires taking simple steps.

*Be insightful into your own behaviors and motives behind those behaviors
*Acknowledge that your behavior has harmed you and others
*Apologize to those you have harmed
*Put an action plan together to change your behavior (this may take seeking professional help)
*Put boundaries in place to never repeat the behavior

On another one of my blog posts, I put a link to an article about why men cheat.  The main conclusion of this article was that men cheat because they have low self esteem. They feel better about themselves when they have many women telling them they are great, or many women to have sex with.  This is a false sense of self, since it is external, and fades, diminishes as the women go away, get bored or disillusioned.

A true sense of self worth comes from within, or is internal.  When a person loves themself, accepts themself, then they stop looking for the false identity that comes from the external gratifications.  When a person can completely love themself, faults and all, then they will be content in a monogamous relationship.  They no longer need to feel gratified from having several women lusting after them.

Lies Men Say

What Asshole men say to pretend they want a relationship with you but they are really lying:
*I want to meet your parents
*Let's go to Europe together
*I want to take  you and your daughter to _______________
*I want you to meet my children
*I want to support you while you get your masters
*At sometime in the future, when we are _____________
*I want you to go to _____________ with me to spend time with my brother

Nothing like pretending there is a future there when they know there won't be.  Asshole.
Be honest. If all you want is sex, be honest. Give us the opportunity tell you to F@#k off!

The Bike in the Box

I went to a memorial service tonight for a woman who committed suicide.  It was one of the most beautiful services I have ever been to.  For one thing, the minister didn't try to avoid the fact that she killed herself. She acknowledged the fact that she did this out of courage and that she loved her family and friends and she felt she had no other alternative.  She acknowledged the fact that she considered the impact her actions would have on everyone left behind. I have had many people say that suicide is an act of selfishness or cowardly.

 I disagree.  People who get to that point know their actions will impact many lives.  Their pain is so deep and severe, they see no other way out, no other way to end the pain.  People who suffer from depression are often very sensitive, caring, and are very in tune with how other people feel, more so than the average person.  They are empathetic and deeply concerned with others.  They feel, not only their own pain deeply, but other's pain, as well. It is often knowing how much this action will impact others that keeps them from making this choice for a very long time.  They think about suicide, they wish for it, they ruminate on it, they long for it.  But the impact it will have on others keeps them from making the final decision for months or often years.

I know depression.  Depression and I are old friends.  We go way back.  Depression is an old family friend who comes to visit on occasion.  I have tried to break the bond depression and I have with each other with varying degrees of success.  It does take courage to face depression.  People who are intimate with depression are well aware how their friend-- depression, is impacting their lives and the lives of those around them.


At the memorial service, one of the family members told the story of a bicycle that she won.  It was unassembled in a box.  She had asked her brother for help putting it together.  He postponed his trip to help her.  The bike sat in the box for many, many months, waiting for him to come and help her.  He never made the trip.

After her death, the bike was found, still in the box, unassembled.

Are there bikes in your garage that are not assembled?
Are there people in your life that you have not reached out to but keep meaning to?
Are there words unspoken?
Is there someone you love but can't bring yourself to tell them?

What unfinished business do you have in your life?
Who do you need to apologize to?
Who needs to die before you realize it?
Is it going to be too late for you, too?

Alone

Anticipating
Hugging and kissing
Talking till the moon goes in
Understanding, longing for more

Dressed in white
Expectations being set
Learning to share a bed
Separating into loneliness

Children later
Cooking, cleaning
Waiting, longing for interaction
Going to bed alone, again and again

Alone again
Looking, anticipating
Kissing, hugging, flirting
Lies, deceit and manipulate

Alone again